This is the last time that I will show my face... one last tender lie and then I'm out of this place !!!!

Chaos and confusion in my head...How can I feel happiness and pride instead of hearing "the warning voices" that advice me to not believe and ask me again and again how can you go on with such conviction? In spite of the old "ghosts" who insists and persists figthing without any chances *I swear* against me, not this time.
I've been running, and travelling and singing and being loved and pleased... I've been planning and constructing instead of destructing as I use to do. Experiencing, admiring infinite landscapes in Italy last month, tasting, touching, listening to the words that always I have wanted to listen (in Italian of course) spending money and making everything you can imagine (less sex as usual) but mainly loving compulsively and frenetically...
In one hand I am very disappointed with myself to be so trusted, my fault... I can't imagine myself lying, hiding, changing myself to please others, I find it really stupid and childish, as the song says "I am what I am, I am my own special creation" very proud of it and if you don't like it be my guest and get oughta here! Why people think they have to fix into the so-called perfect fucking social stereotype to be accepted? I use to say that I am un-polite, non-polite, anti-politeness. I use to laugh because others perception of me, the best thing is I don't give a shit about it, thank God!!! What is the problem? the colour of your skin? your religion? your weight? your height?...I can't imagine how someone has to be so ashamed of itself to lie ...terribly sad..
At the other hand I am very proud of showing myself as I am,to being honest, doesn't matter if I've been fucked hundred times. I've updated in some of the two hundred social network I belong my "describe yourself" which is sort of ridiculous yet I try to do it, basically explaining what I like and dislike in that stage of my life considering that the bases are always the same. I deeply dislike arguing, yelling, annoying people, Latin music or music in Spanish language **funny anecdote in Italy about, it my cousins asking me to translate them a horrible song, with such a deep lyrics "Me gusta la gasolina, quiero más gasolina, me encanta la gasolina" called perreo or something like this, and they were amazed by the song so you can laugh out load imagine me singing
"Mi piace la benzina, voglio di più benzina, quanto mi piace la benzina"**, drugs legal and illegal ones (I've consumed for more than 13 years the legal ones), smokers (I am a truly violent non-smoker) sex-obsessed the kind of people who see sex everywhere in everything, they just can talk about sex and they want to have sex the whole day (as if they could...) they should masturbate their minds, I mean sex is great and good but as everything being extremist is a bad sign. Well well what can I say or stop saying about fanatic religious people, they have made me feel the closest feeling to hatred..very bad sign too...
I am quite extroverted but if you know me better you'll realise I am rather contemplative.I spend a lot of time trying to be helpful without knowing quite how, and it hurts me a lot.

"I am what I am
I don't want praise I don't want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it's noise I think it's pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not see things from a different angle
Your life is a shame
Till you can shout out I am what I am " *

Next month I will be in Canada visiting a hum erm " friend?" Peter, by the way tomorrow is his birthday so Happy Birthday Sweetheart! So many reasons to return every year to Canada, I think we have a love & hate relationship ... lack of relationship starts to notice :-). Anyway I am excited and happy about it even when I have a huge panic to flight it is the only way I have to go there, I won't swim Atlantic Ocean, so deep breath some pills and a few whiskys ...huh apology of crime !!!

TRUST "It takes years to build trust, and a few seconds to destroy it"

From my shelter
* I am what I am performed by Gloria Gaynor