PAIN

"...this grief overwhelms me, it burns in my stomach and I can't stop bumping into things..." I am trying to speak out loud, trying to scream but something is covering my mouth (lucky to have fingers). This thing is not material, I can not see it, I can not deal with it, I can not stop it. How to fight against something you can not even define?
Do I have to go deep inside and start to investigate and turn around everything. It is a kinda of weird cause I am not a depressive person ( I am negative OK I know that very well), but not depressive, and If you look me now, I bet you throw me to the garbage ( please recicle right now YOU ARE GOING TO CONTAMINATE GARBAGE WITH ME!!!) And we don't want contaminated garbage.....
Yes, yes I feel worse than garbage. There are so many things to fix it but I have 2 things in my life that I can't and wont forget. They both breathe into my soul and make me real, they keep me on my feet fighting, they are the most amazing thing in this world.
But even with them how to fight? I know I have to but I dont know how.......
I wish I can lay down and close my eyes and stop feeling. Am I loosing this fight? "....this loss is numbing me, it pierces my chest and I can't stop dropping everything..." .
I want to run away from pain, but pain is everywhere I go, surrendering me, hurting me, following me, killing me....