Anxiety

BeTwEeN a BrOkEn NoSe AnD a FaKe SmIlE... BeTwEeN "FUCK YOU!" tO yOuR fAcE aNd "IT's AlL rIgHt"... BeTwEeN mUrDeR aNd DiPlOmAcY...

Do you want to know what I choose? A broken nose, a fuck you to your face and diplomacy. He he, I am not so predictable, I bet you have thought that I would choose murder as third option but no ... sometimes,and only sometimes I can be surprisingly "human" (yeah yeah I can try it at least). Weird as it looks I can break your nose and scream out load fuck you to your face with an incredible subtlety and diplomacy. I was trying to discover a little something to make me sweeter-smoother-nicer, I've been rude and hostile in such a high limits that so many times I could not recognise me in my own words, but when loads of circumstances and people push you tireless you just explode without measuring the consequences.
I deeply dislike distrustful people, shouting people, people who invades my living and mental space. If you can't trust on me, talk to me or respect my space I highly recommend you to stay away from me.
"...How to keep people at arms length and never get to close
How to mistrust the ones you supposedly love the most...
How to play all highest when you’re really a hypocrite
How to hate God when you’re a prayer and a spiritualist...
How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else
How to keep smiling when you’re thinking of killing yourself..."*
Such a perfect reflection as 99.99% of my spiritual guide ^AM^ (a.k.a. Alanis Morissette). By the way as a part of my intensive program to fall apart in much more than 8 easy steps of the highest level of stress of my history, I am going to London to hear her alive and feel the heap of emotions, strength,love, peace... what can I say? I am just drooling (and proud of it!!!!).
A few days ago I've exploited "literally". Since I have 19 years old I suffer anxiety and panic disorders. Since then I've swallowed million pills, since then my life has been lots of times a sort of hell. Unexpectedly panic for no apparent reasons? I feel surrounded with risk factors, and some motherfucker pushed me so far that could blocked me for 2 days, interminable 2 days unable to say a word considering that 2 seconds without saying a word is interminable for me was a terrible experience and I wont allow any other person in the whole word to make me feel this way, I promise you will see a lot of broken nose and.... Everybody's changing and I don't feel right ....
"...What am I to do with all this fire?
(I'd like to hit you, but I could never hit you.)
Would you stay with me in this red space?
(I'd like to slap you, but I could never slap you)
What am I to do with all this burning?
(I'd like to hurt you, but I could never hurt you.)
Do I overwhelm you in this place?
(I'd like to kill you, but I could never kill you)..." **

SO UNLUCKY

Yesterday I litaraly explode... Too much love can kill you, too much pain too? NO!!! I feel so unsexy, so unlucky that I bet you that if I jump right now from my fifth floor I ll remain alive, all destroyed, probably on a wheelchair for the rest of my life but with my mind CLEAR , so piece of shit (bad example why a piece of shit is something awfull, how many people got orgasms with shit- no commentaries-). I fell so unloved, and this weird feel of loneliness which is like beeing in the middle of WOODSTOCK CONCERT surrendered by 2 million people and still feeling alone.
As I wrote a few lines up, yesterday I cried like an hour, feeling such a pain, and thinking only I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE, I CANT FIGHT ANYMORE!!!!
How long can a person resist pain, my soul hurts , but my body also hurts. Dont want to think in people who is feeling worse than me or living worse than me like I am SO lucky cause their children are beeing killed by one of the so-fashioned "created wars" or geeee they are dying because they dont have anything to eat and I have more than a few extra pounds.... I think is not the way to stop feeling bad, it is a kind of I FEEL WORSE cause I cant do anything for them. So what s the solution???? Stop thinking??? Impossible.
So I guess I must start to think about the good things I have in my life, SURPRISED?? Don t be, I have a lot of good things in my life. But this stupid pain block my whole life... don t allowed me to enjoy , and life don t stop, so if I don t start to run and considering good things I have the CaREN's life puzzle will be undone. It is time to start to do the things I always wanted to do, it is my time... But still doubting am I be strong enough......

PAIN

"...this grief overwhelms me, it burns in my stomach and I can't stop bumping into things..." I am trying to speak out loud, trying to scream but something is covering my mouth (lucky to have fingers). This thing is not material, I can not see it, I can not deal with it, I can not stop it. How to fight against something you can not even define?
Do I have to go deep inside and start to investigate and turn around everything. It is a kinda of weird cause I am not a depressive person ( I am negative OK I know that very well), but not depressive, and If you look me now, I bet you throw me to the garbage ( please recicle right now YOU ARE GOING TO CONTAMINATE GARBAGE WITH ME!!!) And we don't want contaminated garbage.....
Yes, yes I feel worse than garbage. There are so many things to fix it but I have 2 things in my life that I can't and wont forget. They both breathe into my soul and make me real, they keep me on my feet fighting, they are the most amazing thing in this world.
But even with them how to fight? I know I have to but I dont know how.......
I wish I can lay down and close my eyes and stop feeling. Am I loosing this fight? "....this loss is numbing me, it pierces my chest and I can't stop dropping everything..." .
I want to run away from pain, but pain is everywhere I go, surrendering me, hurting me, following me, killing me....

Lunedì un'altra volta...

Lunedì un'altra volta su la città.
Vi ho detto che odio i lunedì???
Mi producono una tristezza orribile.Non dovrebbero esistere. Come tante altre cose....
Questi giorni la morte mi ha circondato della forma più imprevista e cobardo. Ma ogni parte brutta ha la buona, esiste ancora gente che lo dà tutto per niente.
Così è come voglio che siano i miei figli, persone con l'anima pulita, cristallina, aperta.
Vedo anche che a volte i lunedì e la tristezza portano buoni pensieri, quella deve essere la ragione per la quale esiste i lunedì...