Hay que buscarse un AMANTE!

Muchas personas tienen un amante y otras quisieran tenerlo. Y también están las que no lo tienen, o las que lo tenían y lo perdieron. Y son generalmente estas dos últimas, las que vienen a mi consultorio para decirme que están tristes o que tienen distintos síntomas como insomnio, falta de voluntad, pesimismo, crisis de llanto o los más diversos dolores. 

Me cuentan que sus vidas transcurren de manera monótona y sin expectativas, que trabajan nada más que para subsistir y que no saben en qué ocupar su tiempo libre. En fin, palabras más, palabras menos, están verdaderamente desesperanzadas.

Antes de contarme esto ya habían visitado otros consultorios en los que recibieron la condolencia de un diagnóstico seguro:
"Depresión" y la infaltable receta del antidepresivo de turno.

Entonces, después de que las escucho atentamente, les digo que no necesitan un antidepresivo; que lo que realmente necesitan, ES UN AMANTE.

Es increíble ver la expresión de sus ojos cuando reciben mi veredicto. Están las que piensan: ¡Cómo es posible que un profesional se despache alegremente con una sugerencia tan poco científica!. Y también están las que escandalizadas se despiden y no vuelven nunca más.

A las que deciden quedarse y no salen espantadas por el consejo, les doy la siguiente definición:
Amante es: "Lo que nos apasiona". Lo que ocupa nuestro pensamiento antes de quedarnos dormidos y es también quien a veces, no nos deja dormir. 
Nuestro amante es lo que nos vuelve distraídos frente al entorno. Lo que nos deja saber que la vida tiene motivación y sentido.


A veces a nuestro amante lo encontramos en nuestra pareja, en otros casos en alguien que no es nuestra pareja. También solemos hallarlo en la investigación científica, en la literatura, en la música, en la política, en el deporte, en el trabajo cuando es vocacional, en la necesidad de trascender espiritualmente, en la amistad, en la buena mesa, en el estudio, o en el obsesivo placer de un hobby...
En fin, es "alguien" o "algo" que nos pone de "novio con la vida" y nos aparta del triste destino de durar. 


Y que es durar? - Durar es tener miedo a vivir. Es dedicarse a espiar como viven los demás, es tomarse la presión, deambular por consultorios médicos, tomar remedios multicolores, alejarse de las gratificaciones, observar con decepción cada nueva arruga que nos devuelve el espejo, cuidarnos del frío, del calor, de la humedad, del sol y de la lluvia.
Durar es postergar la posibilidad de disfrutar hoy, esgrimiendo el incierto y frágil razonamiento de que quizás podamos hacerlo mañana.

Por favor no te empeñes en durar, búscate un amante, se vos también un amante y un protagonista... de la vida
Pensá que lo trágico no es morir, al fin y al cabo la muerte tiene buena memoria y nunca se olvidó de nadie.

Lo trágico, es no animarse a vivir; mientras tanto y sin dudar, búscate un amante...




JORGE BUCAY 

Am I unable to have loving feeling or am I just a cold hearted bitch?

In the process of surviving some sort of heartbreak that happened a time ago somewhere 6060.21 km straight-line distance away from where I live, I’ve learned to block out the awareness of my “love” feelings. 

So I guess the problem is not that I am unable to have those feelings, it is that I am unable to allow myself to be aware that I am having those feelings and, as long as I am unaware of the feelings I feel safe because I don’t seem to feel what I should be feeling and I long for the loving behaviors that are not there, since such a long time. 

So I need to give myself permission to feel the so called "normal" feelings, permission to let go of all those rules I developed to protect me from them.

And yes, I jumped into a leap of faith. I’ve been with a very safe person in a very safe place allowing myself to feel everything it triggers. At first the panic and anxiety made it very hard to feel the loving and caring feelings. Surprisingly and contrary to my previous negative thoughts of being in such situation, nothing bad happened. Unlike the foretold “I am certain I won’t feel anything" I felt really good.

So I guess it’s a matter of keep trying and then trying again. Eventually those “lost” feelings I’ve learned not to feel will start to seep through, and it will feel like heaven again.

I had forgotten as well, how good I feel when I write... Fuck you Serotonin levels!

 

xoxo

Carina

Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out ....helping you out ....

Consciously and subconsciously, I am constantly trying to get away people from my life. Why ?? I don’t know but I started questioning myself why, a good thing though...
Fear, solitude, rage and negativity I need to begin by removing those words from my vocabulary.
I certainly know that I don’t need situations & people in my life that don’t support me or that lower my energy.
Tomorrow is my birthday, a very special day in so many ways, it is almost impossible to explain how happy I am, I have discovered that I am loved in a way that I almost can’t handle... I have been experiencing a lot, amazing moments and other kind of "dark things" that I would not dare to relate, some because I feel ashamed some because thankfully disappeared in a paper that I burnt some minutes after the bells sounded announcing the arrival of the new year with the purpose to delete them from my life and my mind which is very healthy...

I am just silently satisfied with who I am even when I will pursuing my personal growth and fulfillment. I have also realized that I don’t owe anything to anyone. Every time that I’m confused I think there must be easier ways, I have started all over again surrounded by people who loves me and I love, love is ruling & filling my life, with my dignity in place I’m all too happy to assuage.
I am definitely growing up biological and psychically. I am aware now.....

"...hopeful you are
school bound you are
naive you are
driven you are
precocious you are
headstrong you are
terrified you are
ahead of your time you are
resilient you are
big time you are
ruthless you are
precious you are ..." **

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT !!!!

** UR - Lyrics Alanis Morissette

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel ...

I feel completely powerless. It’s amazing to see how easily people judge and reach a conclusión with absolute certainty "the truth about you and your life". You know what? There is absolutely no way  I will agree to it...There  is no point of trying to explain the sense of sadness inside of me, after all the fight to survive is still on ...I am not giving up without a struggle. I have  two  strong reasons that displace any thought of disappearing to stop the suffering ... Anyways can death release me from all that suffering?  
 
“this grief overwhelms me
it burns in my stomach
and I can’t stop bumping into things
this loss is numbing me
it pierces my chest and I can’t stop dropping everything” *

Too many endless & sleepless nights, too many tears...Emptiness, absence, silence, anger but more love than anything

"...per gridare in faccia all’odio da che parte stai

ci vuole necessariamente amore sai

e oggi più che mai

amore contro chi lo tradirá

insieme contro l’aggressività

difendersi così a costo di rimanere

da soli contro

il resto del mondo

amore contro chi non sa che può liberare

amore dentro

in ogni senso per te..." **

* Simply together by Alanis Morissette** Amore Contro by Eros Ramazzotti

Don’t you know you “must” say good-bye when you leave or dissapear?

Your so-called good mannered is under suspicion, actually not to me. 

...There’s so much love in this world, and there’s so much love in my heart, but sometimes I forget. Sometimes I think there isn’t enough, or that there’s just a small amount, so I hoard what I have or I’m afraid to let it go. If there’s a belief within me that says: I can’t have, or I’m not good enough, I think to myself: I am willing to let that belief go...

 

 

Inside my heart is breaking, my make-up may be flaking, but my smile still stays on...

Enormous sadness that force me to have you as my eternal and unique company,  could death set me free from you? your well-aimed daggers tear my soul in such a way that makes visible the wounds, I have my soul naked, vulnerable, almost dead... every new wound makes it more inert and paradoxically the pain is unbearable...it is not supposed that something dead doesn’t feel?

 

I believe that we can survive (not to live nor to die) our own pain, the tough one, physical or psychic but when the pain that breaks our soul is derived of the suffering of people that we love then to survive it is literally an impossible mission... I have felt hate, I have the most unpleasant thoughts that I had ever imagined...right now  I cannot forget and worse of all, I don’t want to forgive...
I am full of hatred, and I am so so sorry about that....
I wonder if my figth worth. Liberation, relief, “justice”????... Maybe my untouchable independence, my vital space priority, my self called power strength put me in this unwanted  pedestal “...see this pedestal is high and I’m afraid of heights...” It’s not necessary to die physically to be dead....
 
“...that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i am overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy
 
that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good
whether with or without you...” *
 
* That I would be good  lyrics Alanis Morissette

Open letter to .... I want you and I thought that you should know that I believe, you are the winds that's underneath my wings....

I wonder if you ever ask How do I feel...If you do ... my first answer would be literally "with my hands" looking at you with a crafty look Actually I find myself unsure of how to respond. Maybe I would respond most of the time in my seasonal-emotional roller coaster state. Like orange seasons, TV show seasons I have my particular "you" season. I can spend months without thinking of you but when I think of you, when I have a season of "you" it become an intolerable mind weight to burden. I want you in my same wavelenght and I know I can’t do nothing to reach that blissful state "...You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain..."
As you can imagine I am going through a season of you right know and of course wondering how do you feel... What would be you answer...would you answer with a good excuse, those that you can’t differentiate between truth or lie... as you hadn’t answered it “right” previously ( my opinion) you would figure that you shouldn’t be quick to respond this time. Have you been too fast saying things you never felt? Better yet, you would decide not to say anything at all in the hopes that the conversation would move on to something else that you’re more comfortable in discussing...a subject that’s not so charged with emotions. Better better yet, "you wouldn’t answer" answering with a nonsense sentence, not even related with that I’ve asked... And it’s not just lack of communication but lack of quality and sensitivity in your words.Even the most discussed issues can still remain unclear if someone is saying/hearing one thing and the other person is hearing/saying something else. I do have to realise that I have a no win situation with you and you have to realise that you limit your own good by believing in close ideas.

"....please be philosophical
please be tapped into your femininity
please be able to take the wheel from me
please be crazy and curious
please be the jerk of my knee i’ve fit you always
you finish my sentences I think I love you
what is your name again no matter i’m guessing your thoughts again correctly and I love the way
you press my buttons so much sometimes I could strangle you
please be strangely enigmatic
please be just like my..." **

Please be decisive, open minded, outspoken, uninhibited, secure, ready... please be mine...


I don’t want to listen anymore your silence which spoke volumes....

PS: my message in black for you

From my refugee

** Princes Familiar lyrics by Alanis Morissette

There are billion of people in this planet yet you will hear poeple tell you that they are lonely... if we dont reach out, love can not find us.

Are you lonely even when you are surrounded by lots of people? Do you feel that way? I do.
I wish I could understand others (okay specially someone)... "if you walk in someone else’s shoes for a mile then you will understand why they behave the way they do"... but why do I have to understand always? I mean why people can’t be clear and speak out, out and load as I use to do?
Do we have to live always wondering-guessing what the other wants from us without getting any response? Ignorance is bliss? Damn so many question and not a single answer....
I find myself thinking of justice (and I don’t believe in justice) repeating once and again countless times "it is not fair, it is not fucking fair!!!!". Maybe because it’s not me who is deciding, maybe because I am accustomed to have the control and without control I have zero tolerance with myself, so I punish CaREN, she deserves some kind of punishment, she deserves to be alone because she still thinks you’re the piece that make her whole...
I can close my eyes, cover my ears. I can stay silent, motionless gazing at the space, looking with a vacant stare to the stars, the same once we stared together...yet I can’t throw you out off my soul....For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable, for not letting go when it would’ve been the kindest thing. Now that I set you free, paradoxically you stay... What do you want from me?
You still have the power to make me feel impotent and uncomfortable in my own skin. If you can’t-don’t want-won’t stay with me (literally) .... Please... set me free...

"...Guarir non e’ possibile
la malattia di vivere
sapessi com’e’ vera questa cosa qui
E se ti fa soffrire un po’ puniscila vivendola
e’ l’unica maniera sorprenderla cosi’...
You’ve got one chance, the gift to feel
love’s deepest pain you cannot heal
it shatters every memory that you
keep inside
I tell you this because I know
protect what’s dear, don’t trade your soul
’cause there’s nothing left around you
there’s no place left to go..." *

In the meantime I will punish life living it....

From my refugee
* Più che puoi - Eros Ramazzotti

As we walked on by....he could see from my face that I was...Fucking High... Xmas wishes ....

Xmas time... have you been a good girl/boy? Have you written Santa?? This year for the first time I did write...I have been a good girl... no comments please...

"...Imagine no possessions I wonder if you can..." wrote John Lennon and what I wonder is how hard it was to write that sentence in a huge room with a wonderful view to Central Park valued in so many million dollars ???
I don’t want to imagine a world without possessions but a world in which everyone can have something. It reminds me the first time I went to Walt Disney World and even when
I was happy & excited I thougth every single kid should have the possibility to come here and I felt a sort of guilt feeling being there. (...no fun with no guilt feelings??).

Xmas time... first one plenty of wishes...I wish less judgmental people and more caring, helpful and loving one. I wish a stress-free zone for everyone, a special space, your own
space without people coming and going at their will. I wish all willpower to overcome life obstacles. A free-rage mind. Physical and mental HEALTH. Forget & Forgiveness beginning for ourselves...
I wish Present "...The past is over and done, I can not go back in time except in my mind I can choose to replay yesterday if I want, but replaying yesterday
takes aways precious moments out off today, moments that once gone can not be retrieved so I turn my total attention to this moment of today this is my special moment.." *

If you are wondering what I’ve asked is LOVE, not that I don’t have love because I have lot of love, but I want, after "years" to be in love again.
"...I experience love wherever I go...the best way to get love is to give love... This is a new day one that I have never lived before I stay in the now and
enjoy each and every moment...no person, place or outer chaos can touch me. I am willing to let go...I am not here to control others.. people come into
my life at the right time, we share the time we are meant to have together and then at the perfect time they leave and I lovingly let go...." *

and P E A C E for God’s sake!!!



* From 101 Power Thoughts by Louise Hay

I'm at a place called vertigo ¿Dónde está? It's everything I wish I didn't know !!!

well well... how many things have Hiltler’s unrecognized daugther go through to pay his debts?
Okay I will stop the tango-drama story... A month ago I lost my 14 years old dog sister, a bloody painful moment as many I’ve been going through apparently alone. Just apparently...

I want to thank my beloved friends who stayed and supported me with love and presence,
caressed me with warm words and hold me tight when I was hanging from the cliff...what a patienceeeeee!!!!!! Marta (my alter ego, my toxic twin) Eva (my living womb - scary "luci" inside a lift) Javier (my friend who destiny decided through a test that he loves me and that our song is Hero from Mariah Carey  ) ... and especially to Ruiwei (my pervert & sweet Chinese), Gonçalo (my sweet-Gothic-Portuguese crazy-little-baby ) because they had to deal with absolute androphobic mood ... I love you so much guys! and of course Antonio (my Italian guardian angel) for make me smile sometimes and laugh out loud more often "excellent therapy". As you wrote "tirerò un sasso di quelli che saltano sull acqua e fato finta che ogni piccolo salto sia un problema risolto" I will never forget how you made me feel with that sentence.

How can I find so logical to say I love you and be grateful and show my feelings to others, a normal thing to receive love & kisses & caresses without questioning anyone or anything when others feels that like something incredible or with strings attached?
Anyways I treasure every little piece of love received during my life and remember them daily as an engine to keep fighting against my self-awareness. I am sorry I find myself and I like what I’ve found.
After my trip to Canada I’ve changed a lot...ghosts of the past stayed there and disappeared fading into a beautiful new independent life but running the same pathway plenty of love, truth and respect. Excellent excuse to keep travelling :=)
I am also planning to move, filling applications, following the steps required without wonder too many things, sometimes we have to stop thinking and flow like waterfalls, wherever the wind wants to bring me... I will be there. I don’t believe in coincidences, every person I’ve met in my life, every place I’ve been, every hand I’ve held was meant to be.

This month will be a mess with all the parties, Xmas Company party (the boss will be there so ...behaving!!) Xmas familiar and a new year’s eve... Let’s see if this time I can enjoy them because it is always a sort of nightmare to me.
Next January 2nd is my birthday (you can consult my wish list...) and I will celebrate it in a very special way ^_^ ....


"E raccontano che lui si trasformò in albero e che fu per scelta sua
che si fermò e stava lì a guardare la terra partorire fiori nuovi
Così fu nido per conigli e colibri il vento gl´insegnò i sapori
di resina e di miele selvatico e pioggia lo bagnò
la mia felicità - diceva dentro se stesso -
Ecco... ecco... l´ho trovata ora che ora che sto bene e che ho tutto il tempo
per me non ho più bisogno di nessuno
ecco la bellezza della vita che cos´è
ma un giorno passarono di lì due occhi di fanciulla,
due occhi che avevano rubato al cielo un po´ della sua vernice
e senti tremar la sua radice
quanto smarrimento d´improvviso dentro se
quello che solo un uomo senza donna sa che cos´è
e allungo i suoi rami per toccarla...
"Capi che la felicità non è mai la metà di un infinito"
ora era insieme luna e sole, sasso e nuvola era insieme riso e pianto o
soltanto era un uomo che cominciava a vivere
ora era il canto che riempiva la sua grande immensa solitudine,
era quella parte vera che ogni favola d´amore racchiude in se
per poterci credere" *

"please be philosophical
please be tapped into your femininity
please be able to take the wheel from me
please be crazy and curious
please be a sexaholic
please be unpredictably miserable
please be self absorbed much (not the good kind)
please be addicted to some substance
please be the jerk of my knee I’ve fit you always you finish my sentences I think I love you
what is your name again no matter I’m guessing your thoughts again correctly and I love the way you press my buttons so much sometimes I could strangle you " **

From my refugee to share my love

* Favola - Eros Ramazzotti
** Princess Familiar - Alanis Morissette

A "woman" decides after seventy years,that what she goes there for, is to unlock the door...While those around "her" criticize and sleep...

I feel terrible and it’s no because they criticize me and sleep, it’s because I feel I’ve failed as a mom-dad.
For long time I’ve been absent, distant, weird for those who love me or keep in touch with me often, anyways I was grieving and couldn’t, until I "found the solution" or at least I think I found it, spit it up. Of course I did it a few days ago with the people I love and have, as usual, support.
Facts are that my son is suffering aggressive pursuit in the school from a Muslim classmate since long time ago. It is inevitable to use the word "Muslim" to explain it? YES IT IS.
Day by day my son receive kicks in his stomach, all kind of insults, punches from this future "delinquent-rapist-murderer". Things are getting worse now, the "Muslim mother" has hit my sister first, we denounce her and nothing happened because she is "Muslim" and if they do anything they are racist.. like some prototype of human told me "you are racist" playing the good boy-right hand of justice HA HA HA! I laugh on his prototype face out loud. I wasn’t generalizing, she did it when she death threat me saying that I don’t know Muslims and that soon I will know what it means a "Muslim man" **uhhh shaking shaking**.
Anyways makes me laugh too the hypocrisy of those who dare to say that they aren’t racist in any way.
My ears are tired to hear "f*** Jews", "f**** Italians" "f*** Frenchs" and the most popular, number one of top 10 "the so-called anti-America" or as I prefer United States of America. All of us in any way are racist, and the funny thing here is that I am mentioning the word "Muslim" but the one who is being discriminated, harassed, humiliated and suffering racism is my son, but for sure is not so bad, he is white and European, HE IS NOT THE TYPE OF CHILDREN WHO CAN SUFFER IT... He is 8 years old and he is under psychological treatment, suffering nervous anorexia and afraid to go to school.
I’ve been going to the school, talking with school inspector, but the Director of the school told me literally "we can’t do anything because he is Muslim" ... so my question is... what do I have to do? Became a Muslim change my name to Abdajalah Sarah Sheylah and cover my head with a scarf to have right to live peacefully???????
After follow all legal steps,after repressing me every day when seeing that beast that has been allowed to punch in the head to my son, two associations against the abuse to minors they are acting and finding another school for my children... YES I have to change both of them because they are not physically safe, the nature of this people is like a bomb time. I question again and again how can’t they see that this 8 years old aggressor is like the egg of a snake, for those who don’t know what I mean, the egg of a snake is transparent, you can see there is a a poisonous viper inside and if you don’t do anything is going to get out off the egg and poison because you can already tell is his nature ... please don’t let nature take its course this time cause this words for some one, some day not so long, are going to arrive too late.

"..we’d gather around all in a room fasten our belts engage in dialogue
we’d all slow down rest without guilt not lie without fear disagree sans judgement

we would stay and respond and expand and include and allow and forgive and
enjoy and evolve and discern and inquire and accept and admit and divulge and
open and reach out and speak up

This is utopia this is my utopia
This is my ideal my end in sight
Utopia this is my utopia
This is my nirvana
My ultimate.." **



** Utopia lyrics by Alanis Morissette

That Particular Time

My foundation was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time

we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself….i am

you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed to fly solo and high to define what you wanted
at that particular love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
at that particular time.

* Lyrics by Alanis Morissette

This is the last time that I will show my face... one last tender lie and then I'm out of this place !!!!

Chaos and confusion in my head...How can I feel happiness and pride instead of hearing "the warning voices" that advice me to not believe and ask me again and again how can you go on with such conviction? In spite of the old "ghosts" who insists and persists figthing without any chances *I swear* against me, not this time.
I've been running, and travelling and singing and being loved and pleased... I've been planning and constructing instead of destructing as I use to do. Experiencing, admiring infinite landscapes in Italy last month, tasting, touching, listening to the words that always I have wanted to listen (in Italian of course) spending money and making everything you can imagine (less sex as usual) but mainly loving compulsively and frenetically...
In one hand I am very disappointed with myself to be so trusted, my fault... I can't imagine myself lying, hiding, changing myself to please others, I find it really stupid and childish, as the song says "I am what I am, I am my own special creation" very proud of it and if you don't like it be my guest and get oughta here! Why people think they have to fix into the so-called perfect fucking social stereotype to be accepted? I use to say that I am un-polite, non-polite, anti-politeness. I use to laugh because others perception of me, the best thing is I don't give a shit about it, thank God!!! What is the problem? the colour of your skin? your religion? your weight? your height?...I can't imagine how someone has to be so ashamed of itself to lie ...terribly sad..
At the other hand I am very proud of showing myself as I am,to being honest, doesn't matter if I've been fucked hundred times. I've updated in some of the two hundred social network I belong my "describe yourself" which is sort of ridiculous yet I try to do it, basically explaining what I like and dislike in that stage of my life considering that the bases are always the same. I deeply dislike arguing, yelling, annoying people, Latin music or music in Spanish language **funny anecdote in Italy about, it my cousins asking me to translate them a horrible song, with such a deep lyrics "Me gusta la gasolina, quiero más gasolina, me encanta la gasolina" called perreo or something like this, and they were amazed by the song so you can laugh out load imagine me singing
"Mi piace la benzina, voglio di più benzina, quanto mi piace la benzina"**, drugs legal and illegal ones (I've consumed for more than 13 years the legal ones), smokers (I am a truly violent non-smoker) sex-obsessed the kind of people who see sex everywhere in everything, they just can talk about sex and they want to have sex the whole day (as if they could...) they should masturbate their minds, I mean sex is great and good but as everything being extremist is a bad sign. Well well what can I say or stop saying about fanatic religious people, they have made me feel the closest feeling to hatred..very bad sign too...
I am quite extroverted but if you know me better you'll realise I am rather contemplative.I spend a lot of time trying to be helpful without knowing quite how, and it hurts me a lot.

"I am what I am
I don't want praise I don't want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it's noise I think it's pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not see things from a different angle
Your life is a shame
Till you can shout out I am what I am " *

Next month I will be in Canada visiting a hum erm " friend?" Peter, by the way tomorrow is his birthday so Happy Birthday Sweetheart! So many reasons to return every year to Canada, I think we have a love & hate relationship ... lack of relationship starts to notice :-). Anyway I am excited and happy about it even when I have a huge panic to flight it is the only way I have to go there, I won't swim Atlantic Ocean, so deep breath some pills and a few whiskys ...huh apology of crime !!!

TRUST "It takes years to build trust, and a few seconds to destroy it"

From my shelter
* I am what I am performed by Gloria Gaynor

BeLiEvE iN mE hElP mE BeLiEvE iN aNyThInG cAuSe I wAnT tO bE sOmEoNe WhO bEliEvEs....

I have this overwhelming downheart sensation. Mental tiredness, melancholy overdose, 100000% overly anxious...
I'm mad at myself for being compassionate, comprehensive and to have give everything until remain myself completely empty. I am angry, again a non-believer... "How to mistrust the ones you supposedly love the most"??? if they are always acting in a biassed way with the same egoistical-ulterior motive which is their own convenience.
Okay no problem, let's play selfishness,let's fight, let's shout, let's transform our positive energy into negative things but then do not ask for excuses, I do not forgive anymore when you keep having this outrageous behavior (who am I to forgive???).
I am surprised by my vindictive behavior that makes flow loads of disagreeable feelings that you can even see in my eyes, notice in my voice and maybe not recognize in me that person who use to has the habit of feeling good things and reflect them, always trying to help, to bright up and to encourage others. Call me proud, silly, stupid, (whatever) but this time I won't be the one who opens her mouth to emit a single sound.
I wish I could be selfish ... The hug will feel forced upon me inconsolable thing ...

"...nos es lo mismo vasta o bastar
ni es lo mismo, decir, opinar, imponer o mandar
las listas negras, las manos blancas...(verás)
no es lo mismo
no gana el que tiene más ganas...
¿no sé si me explico?
que hoy nadie quiere ser igual
que mas te da,
no es como un "ismo"...es instinto..."*

Lately and more than ever I need my space, my air, my music, my voice (to yell out load), my legs to run away,
my hands to slap faces and asses ..sex removes the stress :-) a few trips (Amsterdam-A Coruña-London-Rome- Prague-Toronto/Ottawa-NYC/FL-... randomly) and I need you Marta LL., Ruiwei, Marta B., Peter, Juha, Melanie,
Helio, Judith, Gonçalo, Nana, Agustín, Mathieu, Eva, David, Alanis....randomdly).

"...been left for you oh the books i've read for you the tongues i've bitten for you many
a new city for you many a risk taken for you (not a single regret.)" **

ShE sAyS sHhHh I kNoW It'S oNlY iN mY hEaD, cAnT YoU sEe My WalLs ArE cRuMbLiNg..ThEn ShE LoOkS uP aT tHe BuIlDiNg AnD sAyS sHe'S tHiNkInG oF JuMpInG, sHe SaYs sHe'S tIrEd Of LiFe ShE mUsT bE TiReD oF SoMeThInG.....

Looking around and getting awareness of my solitude... Repeating and shouting to myself it is my choice so how can I complain? Looking around to see things that I don't want to see, hearing voices that I don't want to hear, sharing moments with empty souls that I don't want to share, reading books that I don't want to read, listening Alanis that I WANT to listen and I don't know why I'm
still holding on....I've been here before and I deserve a little more...
Looking up the building and thinking of jump, weightless ,unconscious, out of fear to fly to a place where someone who saw me go away with tears is waiting for me with its open wings to make me feel safe again. In its wings I will be able to rest because I am tired and I need a warm-safe-solitary-silent place to understand that it is only in my head...I've been here before and I deserve a little more...
Again what’s the name of the game? I don't want to play it, I won't go out to play, would you please stop tempting me? You know how weak I can be sometimes. Do you really want to see me jump and fly?
Looking around through oceans and mountains and countries and I don't know how many nationalities,waiting, stopping myself cause I think I am uninvited and you are my unfortunately slight...Looking around and staring at someone that I just can't touch ...
Today I take a glimpse in the mirror but I did not recognize my own face, I did not recognize my own words, too many storms have come and gone and yet I am breathing, surviving....My health is fading and I don't know why...

"...Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog
Where no one notices the contrast of white on white
And in between the moon and you the angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right
I walk in the air between the rain through myself and back again
Where? I don’t know
CARINA says she’s dying through the door I hear her crying
Why? I don’t know ..." *

Unsure, not ready, unavailable, disinterested, not inclined, deprived, depressed,contorted, stifled, compromised, silenced, sacrificed, afraid...and I know why....3978 exactly darn miles

* Round here performed by Counting Crows

ThEy WhOsE hEaRt iS fIrM aNd WhOsE cOnScIeNcE aPprOvEs ThEiR cOnDuCt WiLl PuRsUe ThEiR pRiNcIpLeS uNtO dEaTh....

Have you realized how people use in such obnoxiously and in so easy way, rather extremely obscene so important words like "I am sorry", "Forgive me", "Love", "Hate"... I mean those people ...where do they think they can go with so awful and disrespectful behavior?
I can spit on you, slap your face, annoy you and fuck you again and again and with a simple no meaning "I am sorry" get out of the situation with a ridiculous pretense of I've already repaired it... NO FUCKING WAY!!!
When we born we go into a kind of train, in it we find some people we think they are going to be with us forever in
this special trip: our parents. Regrettably, the truth is absolutely different.
They are going to get down in some station leaving us orphans of their affection and their irreplaceable company.
Nevertheless, other persons who will be very special, our brothers, friends and "those wonderful loves" are going to join
us. For some of them it will be a simple trip. Some will just find sadness. Lot of them when gone down are going to leave
an endless nostalgia. Some are going to pass unnoticed,We do not even realize that they have vacated their seat.
The trip is plenty of challenges, dreams, fantasies, waits and good-bye ...but never of returns...
The big mystery,finally, it's that we will never know in which station we will go down, less in which one are going
to go down our trip partners,not even the one that is sat in the side seat of us...
I remain thinking if when I goes down the train I will feel nostalgia... and yes for sure I will...
To separate of some friends with whom I did the trip will be painful. To allow that my children follows alone their way will be the most difficult thing. But I keep the hope that in some moment I will arrive to the main station and will live the great emotion of seeing them to come with a baggage that they did not have when we embark, and what will make me happier will be to think that I collaborated to make grow this baggage and make it more valuable.
Let's be honest, kind, let's collaborate to make others trip easier, say "I am sorry" when you really feel like you
have to say it, say every day I love you to someone, caress, hug and kiss every day someone, let other people knows
how much they mean for you, be nice, be human, dance, laugh, jump, play... and please don't hate, it's too big a burden to bear!

I LOVE YOU

Blog of the day...Bitacoras.com

BITÁCORA DEL DÍA

Caren
Autor: Caren
Descripción y opiniones

DESCRIPCION Y OPINIONES


Caren

http://www.blogia.com/caren
I just write to spit it out my rage and love and everything I have inside.
Categoría: Personales
País: España
Autor: Caren
Desde: abril de 2004

YoU aRe ThE bEaReR oF uNcOnDiTiOnAl ThInGs, YoU aRe "My SpEcIAl FrIeNd", SpEcIaL fRiEnD wItH "bEnEfItS", tHaNkS fOr YoUr PaTiEnCE !!!!

Why do I have to be so sensitive? Still trying to recover my heart my soul and my body...
I've wept so many time for so many different reasons, bliss, impotence, loneliness, joy, gratefulness and weird sensation of fortune, to many contradictory feelings in such a short
time. And here's the question again and again and again...How can I be so fucking lucky?
Is this situation normal? I mean being one of a few in millions ...
Everything seems so unreal and at the other hand it is real...
I've spent last months confused and stressed (huh such a high levels) but always something
comes to you life to change things for good or bad...but a changes are always welcomed.
This time were England, music and my special friend with benefits :=)
Dear V.T.G. (heeh sounds like a moto GP), roses are flowered and looks amazingly beautiful and
you know how much they've travelled, you will be surprised to see them, resistant ones like the owner :P
I wonder how we arrive to this point, I don't believe in coincidences and it's amazing how
you can make me feel so comfortable not just with you but with "myself" every time we are together.

"...Showing you every weakness and feeling strong for it...
Something that you said
Turned me from the inside out
Lying in my bed
Whispering your name out loud
And I feel so real
And it feels so right
Something that you said
Got through to me tonight ..." *


I wish I can spend more time with you cause you are a beautiful mind and soul, a true giver.

You are so silent and I am so noisy...
You look so relaxed and I look so stressed...
You are so provident and I am so spontaneous...
You look so shy and I look so forward (looks are deceiving don't you think?)

"...I'll be opinion-less and silent
I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself..."

PS: huh almost forgot something, I have to ask you something... Vincent would you marry me tonight
or you are too busy? okay okay what about tomorrow? Love you sweetie!!!!!

BeTwEeN a BrOkEn NoSe AnD a FaKe SmIlE... BeTwEeN "FUCK YOU!" tO yOuR fAcE aNd "IT's AlL rIgHt"... BeTwEeN mUrDeR aNd DiPlOmAcY...

Do you want to know what I choose? A broken nose, a fuck you to your face and diplomacy. He he, I am not so predictable, I bet you have thought that I would choose murder as third option but no ... sometimes,and only sometimes I can be surprisingly "human" (yeah yeah I can try it at least). Weird as it looks I can break your nose and scream out load fuck you to your face with an incredible subtlety and diplomacy. I was trying to discover a little something to make me sweeter-smoother-nicer, I've been rude and hostile in such a high limits that so many times I could not recognise me in my own words, but when loads of circumstances and people push you tireless you just explode without measuring the consequences.
I deeply dislike distrustful people, shouting people, people who invades my living and mental space. If you can't trust on me, talk to me or respect my space I highly recommend you to stay away from me.
"...How to keep people at arms length and never get to close
How to mistrust the ones you supposedly love the most...
How to play all highest when you’re really a hypocrite
How to hate God when you’re a prayer and a spiritualist...
How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else
How to keep smiling when you’re thinking of killing yourself..."*
Such a perfect reflection as 99.99% of my spiritual guide ^AM^ (a.k.a. Alanis Morissette). By the way as a part of my intensive program to fall apart in much more than 8 easy steps of the highest level of stress of my history, I am going to London to hear her alive and feel the heap of emotions, strength,love, peace... what can I say? I am just drooling (and proud of it!!!!).
A few days ago I've exploited "literally". Since I have 19 years old I suffer anxiety and panic disorders. Since then I've swallowed million pills, since then my life has been lots of times a sort of hell. Unexpectedly panic for no apparent reasons? I feel surrounded with risk factors, and some motherfucker pushed me so far that could blocked me for 2 days, interminable 2 days unable to say a word considering that 2 seconds without saying a word is interminable for me was a terrible experience and I wont allow any other person in the whole word to make me feel this way, I promise you will see a lot of broken nose and.... Everybody's changing and I don't feel right ....
"...What am I to do with all this fire?
(I'd like to hit you, but I could never hit you.)
Would you stay with me in this red space?
(I'd like to slap you, but I could never slap you)
What am I to do with all this burning?
(I'd like to hurt you, but I could never hurt you.)
Do I overwhelm you in this place?
(I'd like to kill you, but I could never kill you)..." **

TrY aS I mAy I cOuLd NeVeR eXpLaIn WhAt I hEaR wHeN YoU dOn'T sAy A tHiNg....ThE tOuCh oF yOuR hAnD sAyS YoU'lL cAtCh Me WheNeVeR I FaLl...

I should start with a one of my favourites lyrics ever"... Like anyone would be I am flattered by your fascination with me..." but this time I should remove the "UN" cause now you are invited. Okay I agree took me two years and two months to open my heart to you, but it was not me this time, it was you, making me feel like "SHE".
Do you remember the phrase I always write? "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". How to explain the way you made and make me feel? Loved, taken care, admired, respected. You are filling the biggest emptiness that I have had since ...I think right now you all know since who...
When I was feeling more loneliness you showed up, when I was feeling more unsexy than ever with my "vagabond" look, you were there looking at my eyes and repeating non stop the shining thing that I was for you, when I was feeling more lost than ever you just guide me with a calm and smooth voice to the better place I am right now. When I was surrendered by death you just hold my hand and remain silent, so silent that I could not even hear you breath but I felt you presence.
Today I wake up thinking of you, smiling , haunted by the emotion, and I wanted to keep sleeping because you was not with me , I mean phisically, then I though in a despair attempt to fall asleep again only to be with you.
Your trust and presence were also a big support, with the chaos controlling my mind I needed you at my side, dignifying me, satisfying me, relaxing me...
Okay here is my confession, I am going through a S.C.O.Y. (several crush on you state) that precedes the I.F.S.I.W.Y. (I feel so in love with you state). I can't erase this permanent smile from my face, lighter that the one I use to have when I see blinking the blue light of my mobile phone warning me that I have a message and hear this song.

"She may be the face I can't forget
The trace of pleasure or regret
Maybe my treasure or the prize I have to pay
She may be the song that summer sings
Maybe the children autumn brings
Maybe a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day

She may be the beauty or the beast
Maybe the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a Heaven or a Hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
A smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
Inside her shell....

She, who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry
She maybe the love that cannot hope to last
May come to leap from shadows in the past
That I remember 'till the day I die

She maybe the reason I survive
The why and wherefore kind of life
The one I care for through the rough and ready years

Me, I'll take the laughter and your tears
And make them all my souvenirs
And when she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is
She....She.." *

* From someone else's refugee
SHE - performed by Elvis Costello

It WoN't Be LoNg BeFoRe I aM rEcLaImEd... It WoN't TaKe LoNg aNd I'Ll Be On PaTh AgAiN... I'm At ThE eNd Of SeLf DePrIvAtIoN sTaGe...

Rage has me disabled. I have my heart in a crystal box with a huge "fragil" poster, seemingly nobody see it. Why do I feel so unfortunate? If I speak of love would you label it as absurd? Of course you will do it.
I feel off limits during this transition to the end of my self-deprivation stage.
With an aching deep in my soul, I start to relate cold air with a cool breeze which is amazingly good because I am seeing both sides of every situation.
I've heard her on her bones showing resistance to death, claiming to live and ten days later to know she died shocked me, knocked me... It's been forty three days since he has gone away too. I always has familiarized with the concept of distance, because I've lived most of my life far away from my beloved and relative ones so distance was a so-known concept to me, in fact I was strange to the concept of physical distance.
Nop... no, darkness is not everywhere, for here and there I find faces illuminated from within; paper lanterns among the dark trees... Heart is frail and easily broken, but wonderfully resilient. Do not wait for the last judgement, it takes place every day, I promise...Changes are miracles to contemplate and they take place every instant.
"...Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter I would've naturally loved the former..."

"...I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep

I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all..."*

From my refugee
*Stuck in a moment - U2