Inside my heart is breaking, my make-up may be flaking, but my smile still stays on...

Enormous sadness that force me to have you as my eternal and unique company,  could death set me free from you? your well-aimed daggers tear my soul in such a way that makes visible the wounds, I have my soul naked, vulnerable, almost dead... every new wound makes it more inert and paradoxically the pain is unbearable...it is not supposed that something dead doesn’t feel?

 

I believe that we can survive (not to live nor to die) our own pain, the tough one, physical or psychic but when the pain that breaks our soul is derived of the suffering of people that we love then to survive it is literally an impossible mission... I have felt hate, I have the most unpleasant thoughts that I had ever imagined...right now  I cannot forget and worse of all, I don’t want to forgive...
I am full of hatred, and I am so so sorry about that....
I wonder if my figth worth. Liberation, relief, “justice”????... Maybe my untouchable independence, my vital space priority, my self called power strength put me in this unwanted  pedestal “...see this pedestal is high and I’m afraid of heights...” It’s not necessary to die physically to be dead....
 
“...that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i am overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy
 
that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good
whether with or without you...” *
 
* That I would be good  lyrics Alanis Morissette