Imaginary love

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel ...

I feel completely powerless. It’s amazing to see how easily people judge and reach a conclusión with absolute certainty "the truth about you and your life". You know what? There is absolutely no way  I will agree to it...There  is no point of trying to explain the sense of sadness inside of me, after all the fight to survive is still on ...I am not giving up without a struggle. I have  two  strong reasons that displace any thought of disappearing to stop the suffering ... Anyways can death release me from all that suffering?  
 
“this grief overwhelms me
it burns in my stomach
and I can’t stop bumping into things
this loss is numbing me
it pierces my chest and I can’t stop dropping everything” *

Too many endless & sleepless nights, too many tears...Emptiness, absence, silence, anger but more love than anything

"...per gridare in faccia all’odio da che parte stai

ci vuole necessariamente amore sai

e oggi più che mai

amore contro chi lo tradirá

insieme contro l’aggressività

difendersi così a costo di rimanere

da soli contro

il resto del mondo

amore contro chi non sa che può liberare

amore dentro

in ogni senso per te..." **

* Simply together by Alanis Morissette** Amore Contro by Eros Ramazzotti

Don’t you know you “must” say good-bye when you leave or dissapear?

Your so-called good mannered is under suspicion, actually not to me. 

...There’s so much love in this world, and there’s so much love in my heart, but sometimes I forget. Sometimes I think there isn’t enough, or that there’s just a small amount, so I hoard what I have or I’m afraid to let it go. If there’s a belief within me that says: I can’t have, or I’m not good enough, I think to myself: I am willing to let that belief go...

 

 

Inside my heart is breaking, my make-up may be flaking, but my smile still stays on...

Enormous sadness that force me to have you as my eternal and unique company,  could death set me free from you? your well-aimed daggers tear my soul in such a way that makes visible the wounds, I have my soul naked, vulnerable, almost dead... every new wound makes it more inert and paradoxically the pain is unbearable...it is not supposed that something dead doesn’t feel?

 

I believe that we can survive (not to live nor to die) our own pain, the tough one, physical or psychic but when the pain that breaks our soul is derived of the suffering of people that we love then to survive it is literally an impossible mission... I have felt hate, I have the most unpleasant thoughts that I had ever imagined...right now  I cannot forget and worse of all, I don’t want to forgive...
I am full of hatred, and I am so so sorry about that....
I wonder if my figth worth. Liberation, relief, “justice”????... Maybe my untouchable independence, my vital space priority, my self called power strength put me in this unwanted  pedestal “...see this pedestal is high and I’m afraid of heights...” It’s not necessary to die physically to be dead....
 
“...that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i am overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy
 
that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good
whether with or without you...” *
 
* That I would be good  lyrics Alanis Morissette

I'vE bEeN sLeEpInG a ThOuSaNd YeArS iT sEeMs GoT tO oPeN mY EyEs To EvErYtHiNg...WiThOuT a ThOuGhT...WiThOuT a VoIcE... WiThOuT a SoUl....

Damned ear-splitting silence. I just can hear the echoes of my own thoughts and my mind shrinks again on and on. I feel myself tired to receive
countless and inexhaustible bad news. Phisycally far from relative's dead and disease but heart-mind-soul together.
Distance magnify feelings for bad or good...whatever...looking my mom's face hearing her voice asking for health while her life is fading so slowly
made me feel sad and angry against everything and everyone. Bitterness and rage and a deep anguish that I can't stop.
From the whispers of the aching loneliness appears my soul, like a thin frail mist,looking for a shelter to rest, it is felt, soft and everywhere,
like the rustle of the silk.And I look again towards the sky as the raindrops mix with the tears I cry...I lost myself
There's nothing terribly wrong with feeling lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on my part to actually do something about it, so I
"beg" you all not to ask me again to help me to find myself, do not want it now. Too often I feel complacent with my self earned status as
fabulous freak of nature =) ,perpetually wearing my "rare and curious phenomenon" like a favorite t-shirt.
Someone really special told me that I use to think that I can fix things just with love, nothing so far from my thoughts and feelings, such a
weird and wrong perception. Can I send love to hell? There are so many things in my priority list that I have forgotten how to love again.
The absolute dependency of two human beings, their health, their love, their well-being are on the top of the list no doubt.
I have the imperious necessity to undo me off these things, is not that I am looking for sympathy nor another shoulder to cry, thank God I have so
many that I can not use them...You can be in the middle of a crowd and feel yourself absolutely alone. It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise
not crowds.
"...That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight, losing my religion..." How can I still believe and love a God who rewards and
punishes his creatures? I feel that I simply can not build my hopes and believes on a fundation of confusion and fear, and yet, I think
this sufferance will end and some peace and rest will come to me."...I seen a rainbow yesterday but too many storms have come and gone
leaving a trace of not one God-given ray Is it because my life is ten shades of gray I pray all ten fade away seldom praise Him for the sunny days
Don't go chasing waterfallslisten to the rivers and the lakes that You're used to!!!! ..." *

You should never take more than you give...Believe in yourself the rest is up to me and you, up to us...

"...I see you averting your glances
I see you cheering on the war
I see you ignoring your children
I see you altering history
I see you abusing the land
I see you and your selective amnesia
I see you holding your grudges
I see you gunning them down
I see you silencing your sisters
I see you lie to your country
I see you forcing them out
I see you blaming each other

And I love you still
And I love you still..." **

From my shelter
* Waterfalls - TLC
* Still - Alanis Morissette (Dogma Soundtrack)

WhY dO I fEeL cElLuLaRy oNe? WhY iS IT So MuCh WoRk To StAy CoNcIoUs AnD sO eAsY tO gEt StUcK aNd NoT tHe OtHeR wAy ArRoUnD?

I hate my permanent-weakness-state. I don't know what to do, how to act, what tosay, icy silences just kill any movement I want to make. It's so hard to understand that it is not possible to defend what is not loved and it is not possible
to love what is not known??????
I was talking with a friend today about our so-same-dependence and so-need to be loved. The horrible feeling to need desesperatly a cuddle, a carress, a hug,a kiss, to feel another hand and soul warmly touching you. To need someone to demonstrate you how important you are in any way, someone to share your dreams and your reality, who needs to speak with
you, who miss you.
I look and feel right now like alost ship into the deep blue ocean in the middle of a terrible storm sending a S.O.S message whitout any response... Oh gee I read myself and I feel so sad and patethic!!!
"...Can you see the sunset in my eyes??? Brown and grey and blue besides...
Clouds are stalking islands in the sun, I wish I could buy one out of season ..."

For hearing all my doubts so selectively!!!!
For continuing my numbing relentlessly!!!!!!!!!
For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable!!!!!!!!!
For treating me worse than I would anybody else!!!!!!!!
For my impatience when I was perfect where I was!!!!!!!
For ignoring you: my highest voices!!!!!!!
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious!!!!!!!
For being so disassociated from my body!!!!!!!!!
Because of these thing reality slaps my face without any compassion. I use to think if
I had a former life for sure I was Adolf Hitler (do you got it??????)
So continuing with the song ..."I’m sorry to myself my apologies begin here before
everybody else..."

I am out of love, out of faith, out of tears surviving in my asolutely-usless-life...

WhAt PaRt Of YoUr MeMoRy Is SeLeCtIvE aNd TeNdS tO fOrGeT? WhAt WiTh ThIs DiStAnCe iT sEeMs So ObViOuS?

Voluntarily absent-minded... I don't want to think about these damn thing that keeps me crying all days since... "...Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see.It’s getting hard to be someone but it all works out, it doesn’t matter much to me.***********************Let me take you down************************** ’cause I’m going to strawberry fields.Nothing is real and nothing to get hungabout. Strawberry fields forever..." * .I want to stay in a trance-state, I need a blast, a beautiful realease. I've spent so many times withdrawing into myself , living in my coconut and seems that every time I decide to re-start my mind and reset my hard disk someone goes away displaying an error message. Yes beloved ones going away, new loves coming, and lucky true love still here....with me... Heartbuns, headaches, heartbreaks,tears for the dissapearead ones and smile, bliss, excitement about the ones are coming and for the ones I already have.
I find myself also diging in my soul but it is so harmful. And what I've founded was a lot of things that I can change, these thing doesn't depends on me so what can I do? Absolutely nothing. Positive things? I have a few "ear-people" and happy about it cause I don't want a lot but a few good ones.
Wishes... I wish I can stop crying, I wish to know you, I wish to receive all the answer to the questions I've made , I wish not to wait for you again when I so know nothing is going to change. "...We'll fast forward to a few months/years later and no one knows except the both of us and certanly I have honoured you and respect you, and you so fucking whash you hands cleans of this..." . Lets start to close circles...lets finish things. I so believe that if you don't finish a thing you will never be able to start with a new one. April 17th I've wrote "...I have open wounds, I have my own consistently-currently come and go without explanations, messing my life and breaking my heart everytime. And he revisited when he wants So sad, so frustrating so impossible to describe..." 6 months later still in the same situation? I think it's time to move my ass (and the whole world is going to feel it =) )
"...I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done I have depressed for you and contorted for you and I'm done I have stifled for you and I've compromised for you and I'm done I have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I'm DONEEEEEEEE!!! ,,," **

* Strawerry Fields by The Beattles
** Bent for you by Alanis Morissette

ThErE ArE mAnY tHiNgS tHaT I wOuLd LiKe To SaY tO yOu ButT I dOn'T kNoW hOw .

Wow it is incredible how difficult can be sometimes to tell things to other person. You want but you can’t figure how to do it, fear of rejection, shyness (oh I know you my troopers don’t believe that I am shy) or when you want to say it and you are decided to say it, you take courage, your words don’t come out, you get frozen. And damn we do not have too much time to say and do things, but where from take more courage to do it?
Educational barriers, distances, different cultures, so many gaps in here… It’s weird in the communication era can’t find the way. But maybe because I am old fashioned about it, don’t you prefer to hear an I love you face to face? I bet you do. So do I…
And to be honest I feel disillusioned when I cannot express my feelings openly, this mental blockade for any reason make me feel furious , I prefer to regret cause I said it.
Until the day I have you in front of me and I could say it out load, I will do it now, here and this simple way
I am worried about you
I miss you
I want to be with you
I want to demonstrate you how important you are for me
I am convinced that you are a gift
I want to caress you, kiss you, hold you.
I need to know that your affection is unconditional
I trust you
I am waiting for you call
I love you

“…Watch your thoughts because they turn into your words
Watch your words because they turn into your acts
Watch your acts because they turn into you habits
Watch your habits because they turn into you character
Watch your character because they turn in your destiny…” *

* Mahatma Ghandi

HoW tO kEeP sMiLiNg WhEn YoU aRe ThInKiNg Of KiLlInG yOuRsElF?

I will stop answering when I don’t want to. I will stop reading useless books. I will stop trying to change you. I will start to say NO more often. I will keep living in surviving mode (just for you two). I will stop dreaming. I will keep living in my own-self-made-coconut. I will stop blaming you all for everything. I will start to go out.

I wish I can hunt the hunter. I wish I can stop feeling this headache. I wish I can change my mind just to match with you all. I wish I can receive a message from you. I wish I can take at least one good decision. I wish I can kill the killer. I wish I can handle it. I wish this would end.

I don’t want to be with this anger. I don’t want to suffer this fight-or-fight reactions. I don’t want to be my biggest enemy. I don’t want to hear excuses. I don’t want to take care of all. I don’t want to receive advises. I don’t want to suffer insomnia and be awake all night long. I don’t want to be a passive listener. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to worry about everything.

"You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it come true. You may have to work for it, however."

PS: SOS