WhY dO I fEeL cElLuLaRy oNe? WhY iS IT So MuCh WoRk To StAy CoNcIoUs AnD sO eAsY tO gEt StUcK aNd NoT tHe OtHeR wAy ArRoUnD?
I hate my permanent-weakness-state. I don't know what to do, how to act, what tosay, icy silences just kill any movement I want to make. It's so hard to understand that it is not possible to defend what is not loved and it is not possibleto love what is not known??????
I was talking with a friend today about our so-same-dependence and so-need to be loved. The horrible feeling to need desesperatly a cuddle, a carress, a hug,a kiss, to feel another hand and soul warmly touching you. To need someone to demonstrate you how important you are in any way, someone to share your dreams and your reality, who needs to speak with
you, who miss you.
I look and feel right now like alost ship into the deep blue ocean in the middle of a terrible storm sending a S.O.S message whitout any response... Oh gee I read myself and I feel so sad and patethic!!!
"...Can you see the sunset in my eyes??? Brown and grey and blue besides...
Clouds are stalking islands in the sun, I wish I could buy one out of season ..."
For hearing all my doubts so selectively!!!!
For continuing my numbing relentlessly!!!!!!!!!
For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable!!!!!!!!!
For treating me worse than I would anybody else!!!!!!!!
For my impatience when I was perfect where I was!!!!!!!
For ignoring you: my highest voices!!!!!!!
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious!!!!!!!
For being so disassociated from my body!!!!!!!!!
Because of these thing reality slaps my face without any compassion. I use to think if
I had a former life for sure I was Adolf Hitler (do you got it??????)
So continuing with the song ..."Im sorry to myself my apologies begin here before
everybody else..."
I am out of love, out of faith, out of tears surviving in my asolutely-usless-life...
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Mário -