Am I unable to have loving feeling or am I just a cold hearted bitch?

In the process of surviving some sort of heartbreak that happened a time ago somewhere 6060.21 km straight-line distance away from where I live, I’ve learned to block out the awareness of my “love” feelings. 

So I guess the problem is not that I am unable to have those feelings, it is that I am unable to allow myself to be aware that I am having those feelings and, as long as I am unaware of the feelings I feel safe because I don’t seem to feel what I should be feeling and I long for the loving behaviors that are not there, since such a long time. 

So I need to give myself permission to feel the so called "normal" feelings, permission to let go of all those rules I developed to protect me from them.

And yes, I jumped into a leap of faith. I’ve been with a very safe person in a very safe place allowing myself to feel everything it triggers. At first the panic and anxiety made it very hard to feel the loving and caring feelings. Surprisingly and contrary to my previous negative thoughts of being in such situation, nothing bad happened. Unlike the foretold “I am certain I won’t feel anything" I felt really good.

So I guess it’s a matter of keep trying and then trying again. Eventually those “lost” feelings I’ve learned not to feel will start to seep through, and it will feel like heaven again.

I had forgotten as well, how good I feel when I write... Fuck you Serotonin levels!

 

xoxo

Carina