Heartless bitch

Am I unable to have loving feeling or am I just a cold hearted bitch?

In the process of surviving some sort of heartbreak that happened a time ago somewhere 6060.21 km straight-line distance away from where I live, I’ve learned to block out the awareness of my “love” feelings. 

So I guess the problem is not that I am unable to have those feelings, it is that I am unable to allow myself to be aware that I am having those feelings and, as long as I am unaware of the feelings I feel safe because I don’t seem to feel what I should be feeling and I long for the loving behaviors that are not there, since such a long time. 

So I need to give myself permission to feel the so called "normal" feelings, permission to let go of all those rules I developed to protect me from them.

And yes, I jumped into a leap of faith. I’ve been with a very safe person in a very safe place allowing myself to feel everything it triggers. At first the panic and anxiety made it very hard to feel the loving and caring feelings. Surprisingly and contrary to my previous negative thoughts of being in such situation, nothing bad happened. Unlike the foretold “I am certain I won’t feel anything" I felt really good.

So I guess it’s a matter of keep trying and then trying again. Eventually those “lost” feelings I’ve learned not to feel will start to seep through, and it will feel like heaven again.

I had forgotten as well, how good I feel when I write... Fuck you Serotonin levels!

 

xoxo

Carina

Open letter to .... I want you and I thought that you should know that I believe, you are the winds that's underneath my wings....

I wonder if you ever ask How do I feel...If you do ... my first answer would be literally "with my hands" looking at you with a crafty look Actually I find myself unsure of how to respond. Maybe I would respond most of the time in my seasonal-emotional roller coaster state. Like orange seasons, TV show seasons I have my particular "you" season. I can spend months without thinking of you but when I think of you, when I have a season of "you" it become an intolerable mind weight to burden. I want you in my same wavelenght and I know I can’t do nothing to reach that blissful state "...You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain..."
As you can imagine I am going through a season of you right know and of course wondering how do you feel... What would be you answer...would you answer with a good excuse, those that you can’t differentiate between truth or lie... as you hadn’t answered it “right” previously ( my opinion) you would figure that you shouldn’t be quick to respond this time. Have you been too fast saying things you never felt? Better yet, you would decide not to say anything at all in the hopes that the conversation would move on to something else that you’re more comfortable in discussing...a subject that’s not so charged with emotions. Better better yet, "you wouldn’t answer" answering with a nonsense sentence, not even related with that I’ve asked... And it’s not just lack of communication but lack of quality and sensitivity in your words.Even the most discussed issues can still remain unclear if someone is saying/hearing one thing and the other person is hearing/saying something else. I do have to realise that I have a no win situation with you and you have to realise that you limit your own good by believing in close ideas.

"....please be philosophical
please be tapped into your femininity
please be able to take the wheel from me
please be crazy and curious
please be the jerk of my knee i’ve fit you always
you finish my sentences I think I love you
what is your name again no matter i’m guessing your thoughts again correctly and I love the way
you press my buttons so much sometimes I could strangle you
please be strangely enigmatic
please be just like my..." **

Please be decisive, open minded, outspoken, uninhibited, secure, ready... please be mine...


I don’t want to listen anymore your silence which spoke volumes....

PS: my message in black for you

From my refugee

** Princes Familiar lyrics by Alanis Morissette

As we walked on by....he could see from my face that I was...Fucking High... Xmas wishes ....

Xmas time... have you been a good girl/boy? Have you written Santa?? This year for the first time I did write...I have been a good girl... no comments please...

"...Imagine no possessions I wonder if you can..." wrote John Lennon and what I wonder is how hard it was to write that sentence in a huge room with a wonderful view to Central Park valued in so many million dollars ???
I don’t want to imagine a world without possessions but a world in which everyone can have something. It reminds me the first time I went to Walt Disney World and even when
I was happy & excited I thougth every single kid should have the possibility to come here and I felt a sort of guilt feeling being there. (...no fun with no guilt feelings??).

Xmas time... first one plenty of wishes...I wish less judgmental people and more caring, helpful and loving one. I wish a stress-free zone for everyone, a special space, your own
space without people coming and going at their will. I wish all willpower to overcome life obstacles. A free-rage mind. Physical and mental HEALTH. Forget & Forgiveness beginning for ourselves...
I wish Present "...The past is over and done, I can not go back in time except in my mind I can choose to replay yesterday if I want, but replaying yesterday
takes aways precious moments out off today, moments that once gone can not be retrieved so I turn my total attention to this moment of today this is my special moment.." *

If you are wondering what I’ve asked is LOVE, not that I don’t have love because I have lot of love, but I want, after "years" to be in love again.
"...I experience love wherever I go...the best way to get love is to give love... This is a new day one that I have never lived before I stay in the now and
enjoy each and every moment...no person, place or outer chaos can touch me. I am willing to let go...I am not here to control others.. people come into
my life at the right time, we share the time we are meant to have together and then at the perfect time they leave and I lovingly let go...." *

and P E A C E for God’s sake!!!



* From 101 Power Thoughts by Louise Hay

I'm at a place called vertigo ¿Dónde está? It's everything I wish I didn't know !!!

well well... how many things have Hiltler’s unrecognized daugther go through to pay his debts?
Okay I will stop the tango-drama story... A month ago I lost my 14 years old dog sister, a bloody painful moment as many I’ve been going through apparently alone. Just apparently...

I want to thank my beloved friends who stayed and supported me with love and presence,
caressed me with warm words and hold me tight when I was hanging from the cliff...what a patienceeeeee!!!!!! Marta (my alter ego, my toxic twin) Eva (my living womb - scary "luci" inside a lift) Javier (my friend who destiny decided through a test that he loves me and that our song is Hero from Mariah Carey  ) ... and especially to Ruiwei (my pervert & sweet Chinese), Gonçalo (my sweet-Gothic-Portuguese crazy-little-baby ) because they had to deal with absolute androphobic mood ... I love you so much guys! and of course Antonio (my Italian guardian angel) for make me smile sometimes and laugh out loud more often "excellent therapy". As you wrote "tirerò un sasso di quelli che saltano sull acqua e fato finta che ogni piccolo salto sia un problema risolto" I will never forget how you made me feel with that sentence.

How can I find so logical to say I love you and be grateful and show my feelings to others, a normal thing to receive love & kisses & caresses without questioning anyone or anything when others feels that like something incredible or with strings attached?
Anyways I treasure every little piece of love received during my life and remember them daily as an engine to keep fighting against my self-awareness. I am sorry I find myself and I like what I’ve found.
After my trip to Canada I’ve changed a lot...ghosts of the past stayed there and disappeared fading into a beautiful new independent life but running the same pathway plenty of love, truth and respect. Excellent excuse to keep travelling :=)
I am also planning to move, filling applications, following the steps required without wonder too many things, sometimes we have to stop thinking and flow like waterfalls, wherever the wind wants to bring me... I will be there. I don’t believe in coincidences, every person I’ve met in my life, every place I’ve been, every hand I’ve held was meant to be.

This month will be a mess with all the parties, Xmas Company party (the boss will be there so ...behaving!!) Xmas familiar and a new year’s eve... Let’s see if this time I can enjoy them because it is always a sort of nightmare to me.
Next January 2nd is my birthday (you can consult my wish list...) and I will celebrate it in a very special way ^_^ ....


"E raccontano che lui si trasformò in albero e che fu per scelta sua
che si fermò e stava lì a guardare la terra partorire fiori nuovi
Così fu nido per conigli e colibri il vento gl´insegnò i sapori
di resina e di miele selvatico e pioggia lo bagnò
la mia felicità - diceva dentro se stesso -
Ecco... ecco... l´ho trovata ora che ora che sto bene e che ho tutto il tempo
per me non ho più bisogno di nessuno
ecco la bellezza della vita che cos´è
ma un giorno passarono di lì due occhi di fanciulla,
due occhi che avevano rubato al cielo un po´ della sua vernice
e senti tremar la sua radice
quanto smarrimento d´improvviso dentro se
quello che solo un uomo senza donna sa che cos´è
e allungo i suoi rami per toccarla...
"Capi che la felicità non è mai la metà di un infinito"
ora era insieme luna e sole, sasso e nuvola era insieme riso e pianto o
soltanto era un uomo che cominciava a vivere
ora era il canto che riempiva la sua grande immensa solitudine,
era quella parte vera che ogni favola d´amore racchiude in se
per poterci credere" *

"please be philosophical
please be tapped into your femininity
please be able to take the wheel from me
please be crazy and curious
please be a sexaholic
please be unpredictably miserable
please be self absorbed much (not the good kind)
please be addicted to some substance
please be the jerk of my knee I’ve fit you always you finish my sentences I think I love you
what is your name again no matter I’m guessing your thoughts again correctly and I love the way you press my buttons so much sometimes I could strangle you " **

From my refugee to share my love

* Favola - Eros Ramazzotti
** Princess Familiar - Alanis Morissette

That Particular Time

My foundation was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time

we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself….i am

you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed to fly solo and high to define what you wanted
at that particular love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
at that particular time.

* Lyrics by Alanis Morissette

YoU aRe ThE bEaReR oF uNcOnDiTiOnAl ThInGs, YoU aRe "My SpEcIAl FrIeNd", SpEcIaL fRiEnD wItH "bEnEfItS", tHaNkS fOr YoUr PaTiEnCE !!!!

Why do I have to be so sensitive? Still trying to recover my heart my soul and my body...
I've wept so many time for so many different reasons, bliss, impotence, loneliness, joy, gratefulness and weird sensation of fortune, to many contradictory feelings in such a short
time. And here's the question again and again and again...How can I be so fucking lucky?
Is this situation normal? I mean being one of a few in millions ...
Everything seems so unreal and at the other hand it is real...
I've spent last months confused and stressed (huh such a high levels) but always something
comes to you life to change things for good or bad...but a changes are always welcomed.
This time were England, music and my special friend with benefits :=)
Dear V.T.G. (heeh sounds like a moto GP), roses are flowered and looks amazingly beautiful and
you know how much they've travelled, you will be surprised to see them, resistant ones like the owner :P
I wonder how we arrive to this point, I don't believe in coincidences and it's amazing how
you can make me feel so comfortable not just with you but with "myself" every time we are together.

"...Showing you every weakness and feeling strong for it...
Something that you said
Turned me from the inside out
Lying in my bed
Whispering your name out loud
And I feel so real
And it feels so right
Something that you said
Got through to me tonight ..." *


I wish I can spend more time with you cause you are a beautiful mind and soul, a true giver.

You are so silent and I am so noisy...
You look so relaxed and I look so stressed...
You are so provident and I am so spontaneous...
You look so shy and I look so forward (looks are deceiving don't you think?)

"...I'll be opinion-less and silent
I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself..."

PS: huh almost forgot something, I have to ask you something... Vincent would you marry me tonight
or you are too busy? okay okay what about tomorrow? Love you sweetie!!!!!

TrY aS I mAy I cOuLd NeVeR eXpLaIn WhAt I hEaR wHeN YoU dOn'T sAy A tHiNg....ThE tOuCh oF yOuR hAnD sAyS YoU'lL cAtCh Me WheNeVeR I FaLl...

I should start with a one of my favourites lyrics ever"... Like anyone would be I am flattered by your fascination with me..." but this time I should remove the "UN" cause now you are invited. Okay I agree took me two years and two months to open my heart to you, but it was not me this time, it was you, making me feel like "SHE".
Do you remember the phrase I always write? "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". How to explain the way you made and make me feel? Loved, taken care, admired, respected. You are filling the biggest emptiness that I have had since ...I think right now you all know since who...
When I was feeling more loneliness you showed up, when I was feeling more unsexy than ever with my "vagabond" look, you were there looking at my eyes and repeating non stop the shining thing that I was for you, when I was feeling more lost than ever you just guide me with a calm and smooth voice to the better place I am right now. When I was surrendered by death you just hold my hand and remain silent, so silent that I could not even hear you breath but I felt you presence.
Today I wake up thinking of you, smiling , haunted by the emotion, and I wanted to keep sleeping because you was not with me , I mean phisically, then I though in a despair attempt to fall asleep again only to be with you.
Your trust and presence were also a big support, with the chaos controlling my mind I needed you at my side, dignifying me, satisfying me, relaxing me...
Okay here is my confession, I am going through a S.C.O.Y. (several crush on you state) that precedes the I.F.S.I.W.Y. (I feel so in love with you state). I can't erase this permanent smile from my face, lighter that the one I use to have when I see blinking the blue light of my mobile phone warning me that I have a message and hear this song.

"She may be the face I can't forget
The trace of pleasure or regret
Maybe my treasure or the prize I have to pay
She may be the song that summer sings
Maybe the children autumn brings
Maybe a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day

She may be the beauty or the beast
Maybe the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a Heaven or a Hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
A smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
Inside her shell....

She, who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry
She maybe the love that cannot hope to last
May come to leap from shadows in the past
That I remember 'till the day I die

She maybe the reason I survive
The why and wherefore kind of life
The one I care for through the rough and ready years

Me, I'll take the laughter and your tears
And make them all my souvenirs
And when she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is
She....She.." *

* From someone else's refugee
SHE - performed by Elvis Costello

YoU cAn ExPrEsS yOuR dEePeSt Of TrUtHs EvEn If It MeAnS I'Ll LOSE YOU AnD I'Ll HeAr It (aNd ThErE aRe No StRiNgS AtTaChEd To It)...

I can't afford to be misread nor misunderstood one more time... would it be whining if I said I needed a hug?. I have to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged. Let me caress you underhandedly, so many times trying to convince you that LOVE is everything it's cracked up to be, it really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. But I was unworthy or maybe just not enough for you. Sadly I will never know.
I feel breathlessness just to think you are mad at me,because you are!!!! and so hard to pretend I don't care. We both know that I loved much more than you could love me back. Just one truth (it doesn't have two faces) facts,reality...
Today I've received a phone call saying the package from Canada finally arrived. Now at home I see more than gifts and words. I see the time you spent doing it, preparing it, and it worth for me more than you can even imagine. Blood relatives are together now.

I think "we're surprised we're not in a far-gone asylum, we're surprised we didn't crack-up" I was hoping we could crack each other up ..but as always sadly mistaken. I wouldn't have feigned needlessness ,I would not have been so self deprecating , I wouldn't screamed out loud how lonely I was, I wouldn't discredited every compliment nor refuse so many love ...it was your approval I wanted. So unbelievable. So pathetic..and still not ashamed..
I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain..I know where you hide.. I Know all of the things that make you who you are ... I've always tried to express my inner feelings, never meant to hurt you, "...I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell,and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt, and in the meantime I lost myself, in the meantime I lost myself. I'm sorry I lost myself….I am..." * .

I would ask you for a minute to explain my last words but I know you don't want to hear me and I respect that, just let me tell you that you are always on my mind, and you have left a mark in my heart impossible to erase, doesn't matter how much you try to disappoint me.
Peter I won't harm you or touch your defences, vanity, insecurity...I promise, but you can't erase all the past in a moment, anyway you said goodbye so many times before.....I saw you disappear fading into beautiful light and I couldn't stopped you, because that's what you wanted, that was your chose.

"...Why do you affect me? why do you affect me still?
why do you hinder me? why do you hinder me still?
why do you unnerve me? why do you unnerve me still?
why do you trigger me? why do you trigger me still? ..."**

* Sorry to Myself - Alanis Morissette
** Are you still mad - Alanis Morisse

YoU aRe ThE fUnNiEsT mAn ThAt I'vE eVeR kNoWn... YoU aRe ThE kInDeSt SoUl WiTh WhOm I'vE cOnNeCtEd

I wish I could describe the beautiful person who ANDREW is. I wish I could
have him near to me to share our so-similar-way-to think/to be (most of the
time)Andrew is one of those people with whom you can speak about “almost”
everything.So-damn sensible that often I must repress my desire to tell him something
because I know that it is going to hurt him. He can not stand others pain (as me).
One of the most important things that we share is that we can not conceive
life without laughing. I think there is no way to keep serious with him, and we’
ve connected in our dry-sarcastic-obscure-ironic humour.
He is absolutely sweet.... Sometimes I wish I could kill him when he act
like a “silly boy” but when you love someone as I love him, I love him “as
everything” he is.
He is also an excellent painter, I wish I can show you all his paints but
Andrew is also a little bit paranoid (hehe sorry honey ) but on my favour let me
say that “..I dig everything of which you are ashamed ...and I am still here ...” I
can prove it with a simple thing,,, to know his real name took me a long
time!!!! And still don not know how to call him (*joke* just in case).
I wish Andrew give to me the opportunity to meet him better.... maybe we can
watch a football game so-lazy on the couch (huh never England vs. Italy) or just
allow me to be seated by his side seeing him painting...
And there are some messages that I want to sending out, like a telegraph to
your soul... Dear Andrew
* If you're lost you can look and you will find me always
* One of my dreams is someday go to a gallery to see your paints
* And the stars reach down and tell us that there’s always one escape

“...so here we both are battling similar demons (not coincidentally)
you see in getting beyond knowing it solely intellectually you're not
relinquishing your majesty ...
you are wise you are warm you are courageous you are big and I love you more
now than I ever have in my whole life ...” *

PS: Look at the picture. That is how I would like to see you in 30 years.
I Love You.

*THE COUCH lyrics by Alanis Morissette

I nEeDeD mOrE tImE, TiMe To SpEnT aLoNe WiTh No DiStRaCtIoN ...

Long time without spit it out all my inside-shit, it took my mind and soul until I felt more sick and tired than ever .... So I start to sing out load “...get out get outta here enough already ...get up get up get up off of it...WAKE UP...” and as always my so-tough-survival-instinct, my I—damn-don’t-know where the hell this forces come to rescue me, appears and the balance start to work.So sad reality sometimes in bliss always work.
I also decide to disconnect my orkut-dotnode-muliply-gmail-hotmail-yahoo-msn. I went to my self-made-coconut to find some peace and silence, to remember my beloved ones and think about them, to be in my so safe and comfortable place, plenty of solitude as always, but this time I need it.
I am also planning something that turns me into “bliss” state which are my children Birthday next month, October the 3rd GIANLUCA’S Geek-freak and October the 9th Princess VICTORIA. Being a kind soul and a beloved mom I am going to contribute and make richer Mr. Mc Donalds.
Watch their excited sweet faces makes me have a permanent smile, so we spent whole weekend there, writing the invitations, choosing the cakes (chocolate ones :p ), well sharing, deciding, choosing as a family we are, cause that is what we are. They don’t even ask for their father but I wish I could be for a second in their mind to know if they are suffering more than I can imagine and if I can do anything to calm their silent-pain cause I know they have it for sure.
All I can do is focus my love on them and be just a mom, maybe it’s time they feel the soul and physical absence of their father, maybe it is time to stop covering him and let them open their eyes even when I am being kind of contradictory. I don’t want them to suffer but I can’t hide them anything or lie to them. No fucking way. Anyway I am always will be “here” or “there” or “anywhere” they need me to be.
“...I recommend (you my children) biting off more than you can chew to anyone ...
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at anytime
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays) ...

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn ...” *

* YOU LEARN lyrics by Alanis Morissette

AnD sInG mE bAcK tO sLeEp ThIs Is FaR mOrE tHaN I hAd BaRgAiNeD fOr

I am happy, I am thrown and overblown with bliss. I am having such a special contact with people, here and there, physically and mentally, feeling soul presences in body absences. Meeting a lot of people from all around the world and keeping in touch with my beloved ones, spreading love anywhere I am and go.
I find myself comfortable in my own skin, loved, remembered…Every single message, mail, phone call or SMS I receive I feel it like pure “love”, it is time other people take from their lives, thinking of you and letting you know… the so-called “little details” that can make happy a stone (fff so exaggerated as always! ). When someone ask you about what you want in a woman/man doesn’t matter what kind of relationship you are going to have with, the typical answer is she/he has to be intelligent, funny and had details, kinda old fashioned huh? But we all love this things, let’s accept it, let’s say the truth, I make my own confession I just love little details. And wait a second I love more making them sometimes than received them. I declare myself unconditional with my “people”, faithful, trustful and always present (soul or body). You are going to turn around and find me to anything you need and I can give it to you, don’t have a single doubt you will got it from me.
My heart, my mind and soul are open to anyone and anything right now after a long time of living on “survival mode” after singing non-stop “…Don't disturb me in this state, Please leave me purgatorying, I'll be damned if I'm to wake, This is far more than I am equipped for…” *
I just ask the same thing I give, that’s the only way I conceive it:
- Reciprocity : a relation of mutual dependence or action or influence, mutual exchange
- Trust: Something committed into the care of another.
- Tender: Considerate and protective
- Care: To be concerned or interested
- Faith: Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person
- Share: To relate (a secret or experience, for example) to another or others.
- Love: A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.**

“…And even if my house falls down now
I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me
And I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
Oh, just to be with you
Is like having the best day of my life…” ***

Thanks to Federica, Marta B, Marta LL, Silvina, Viviana, Vince,Tito,Juha,Alessandro,Jaume, Antonio, David, Miquel, Melanie M , Nicole, Susan, Alex, Peter, Olivier, “orkut friends”, “multiply friends” and thank God for Gianluca and María Victoria. I love you all and I will always do it.

* Purgatorying Lyrics by Alanis Morissette
** Dictionary.com
*** Thank You by Dido

I LoVe YoU mORe WiTh EvErY bReAtH tRuLy, MaDlY, dEePlY dO......

Car"IN"a "LOVE"

"...I figured it out I was high and low and everything in between
I was wicked and wild, baby, you know what I mean Till there was you, yeah, YOU"

Incredible and marvellous state of insanity an extreme sensibility. Sometimes I find myself so smiling, lost in the universe of love and suddenly I find myself crying like a baby because I need you here with me.
Last week I barely could sleep thinking how am I going to tell him how much I love him? and at the same time fighting against to the fear of your rejection... But almost a month ago someone special woke me up with a kiss (huh I feel like like a princess, and yes you always treat me like a princess, I feel FIONA !!!) and he made me understood that whichever possibility I would choose was going to hurt me... a deep wound takes more time to heal but it is just matter of time.
I have to find the way to tell you my feelings, stop being afraid and face the reality, I will take the risk and accept the consequences.
I spent a year and half trying to convince myself, repeating once and again I am not going to love again, so as you know my dear troopers, my beloved readears, I create a "safe" place (that's what I though at the moment, of course it wasn't a safe but a lonely, dark and sad place) , my self-made-coconut where I used to live since someone come and don't know how he broke it and free me. He must made it with love of course but I have lot of people who loves me and I love, and it was you my sweet Vince who makes the difference, who made me believe again that's why I will heart you forever....
Such a waste of time lying to myself, hiding my head like a turtle, running away to nowhere.....
Now I need the courage to look at your eyes and tell you how much grow my love for you, At first I see you as "another male friend", then my feeling took another direction, and I felt confused and try to walk away from you but I couldn't. Then I start to think of you in the middle of the day without a reason, wondering where were you (sadly we are phisically miles away), and at nigth the sweet sensation of falling asleep thinking of you, wishing you be at my side. Looking things which reminds me your existence and your soul presence in your body absence.... Now I am mading my love statement here but is not enough, I feel the necessity of you hearing my voice saying how much I LOVE YOU.

"The day we met I knew I needed you so
And if I had the chance I'd never let you go
So won't you say you love me I'll make you so proud of me
We'll make them turn their heads every place we go
So won't you please (be my, be my baby)
Be my little baby (my one and only baby)
Say you'll be my darling (be my, be my baby)
Be my baby now (my one and only baby)
I'll make you happy baby Just wait and see
For every kiss you give me I'll give you three
Oh since the day I saw you I have been waiting for you
You know I will adore you till eternity
So won't you please (be my, be my baby)
Be my little baby (my one and only baby)
Say you'll be my darling (be my, be my baby)
Be my baby now (my one and only baby) "**

PS: I can't help post this song, I was watching Dirty Dancing I though I saw it 20 times and soon as start and this song begins I just think of you.... ffff thank God I don't know what shame is ehehhehehe I LOVE YOU !!!!!!

** Be my baby Lyrics by Travis

I mAy ApPeAr To Be FrEe BuT I'm JuSt A pRiSoNeR oF yOuR lOvE .

Oh damn love… I'm standing here, and you're miles away and it looks like I'm losing this fight…but am I fighting? No I am not. I don’t even say to you “I love you” and not in a friendly way, I just can’t do it. I am afraid of your answer, I am afraid of your rejection, I am afraid of you telling me you don’t feel the same way I feel… Is like I want to cover my ears and to close my eyes and avoid reality, it is instinctive for me after being fucked by love so many times….I just can’t help it …..

“...Ma questa volta abbassi gli occhi e dici noi resteremo sempre buoni amici,
ma quali buoni amici MALEDETTI!!. Io un amico lo perdono mentre a te ti amo...”

But certainly I have to say that I love these contradictories and beautiful emotions you make me feel, this amazing feeling of falling asleep thinking about you and wake up in the same way that I’ve missed so much. I was fighting so long against this, I was so closed on my self-made-coconut, so safe in my dark and loneliness. And here you are rocking my bases, opening my mind, making me feel so-damn-good as I don’t allowed to myself since….you know…..“….No-one on earth could feel like this. I’m thrown and overblown with bliss there must be an angel (you sweetie) playing with my heart…”
Read my mind, love me, caress me, sexualise me, stay with me but don’t lose your place nor invade mine, but stay close enough to hear you breath, to smell your presence, to feel your skin, to look at your eyes. Talk to me, grab my soul again and again, come back, turn around and kiss me, “..I need your touch, your love, kisses and such…”.

“…Won't you come see about me
I'll be alone, dancing --- you know it will be me
Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out
Love's strange --- so real in the dark
Think of the tender things
That we were working on
Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart…
Don't you try and pretend
It's my beginning
We'll win in the end
I won't harm you
Or touch your defences
Vanity, insecurity…
As you walk on by
Will you call my name…”**

*La mia storia tra le dita - Gianluca Grignani
** Don’t you forget about me – Simple Minds

We CoUlD jUsT walK aWaY aNd HiDe OuR hEaDs In ThE sAnD .

So sunny day in Barcelona today and lately also sunny days in my life. When you realize that is so true the sentence “life is two days” is like you want to make a lot of things and nothing seems impossible. Also putting order in my messy-life, breaking everyday more with the past, looking forward and most important thing, living my life like there is no tomorrow.“…We could just call it quits only to start all over again, with somebody else…”. It is so-damn-possible!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like I am enjoying of myself, my children, my family, my friends more than ever in my life. I need time to spend alone and feed my internal world with emotions and knowledge and also be in silence. I need silence. In other way I also need to go out and have a lot fun, and meet people and hear noise. The best thing is I start to balance these things and I am doing it both. I have my icy silence moments and my unbearable company =) and I enjoy of MYSELF so much that I have such a fear of bliss…
Yesterday night I went with my children and with my lovely friend Marta and his boyfriend, who is a lovely person too, to watch SHREK 2 movie at cinema, and we spent a so marvelous moment, laughing, sharing… The brightness of love between all of us last nigh...…. So wonderful. So deep. (I recommend to you all this movie is really amazing!!)
I am also insanely excited because my next week and a trip to Locarno – Switzerland, it is so GOOD to be true, it is so BIG to be true, it is so GREAT to be true that I am so scared by everything.
I am going to see a very special person to me. He is sweet and he treats me in a way that makes me feel so flattered always. I don’t know how he can make me feel this way but I love it!! I just want to spend a great time with him(as he say in Switzerland everything is better ..) enjoy his presence, look at him, know him better and open to him my soul as he had so-opened my mind…

“…These excuses how they've served me so well
They've kept me safe they've kept me stuck
They've kept me locked in my own cell
These excuses how they're so familiar
They've kept me blocked they've kept me small
They've kept me safe inside my shell…” *

NO MORE EXCUSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*EXCUSES lyrics by Alanis Morissette

I aM a SpIrIt ThAt KnOwS oF No LiMiT wHo KnOwS oF No CeiLinG

Last days I was thinking a lot of beating myself and try to wake up. I
realize that my loneliness was my choice and now I choose to do not be
alone anymore. I know people that read me or talk to me but don’t know me in
person never believe when I say I am so-disagreeably-shameful. I can
understand it in some way when you are reading me writing that I practice
masturbation so openly, can confuse your perception of me. In fact if you
can not really know a person “in real life” how can you know me just because
u read my letters????? Sent it by e-mail to a person who I don’t know at
all, don’t know even his name “ …There is an internal world, which is my
personal ,creative and spiritual development. That's the only thing I can
control. I can control how much knowledge I feed myself, but I can't control
what happens around me with people's perceptions of it....” And it not that
I care what people think about me, just I have been rejecting meet & date
men because I was fucked-by-love,
Because my shyness I feel most of the time incapable to afford it and
because I was protecting myself for fear of loos and abandonment and “….I
was afraid of verbal daggers I was afraid of the calm before the storm I was
afraid for my own bones I was afraid of your seduction I was afraid of your
coercion I was afraid of your rejection I was afraid of your intimidation I
was afraid of your punishment I was afraid of your icy silences I was afraid
of your volume I was afraid of your manipulation I was afraid of your
explosions …”
Now it is the time to leave the past where it belongs, and to allow myself
to feel again in so-many ways I was preventing, my fight-to-fight just in
case. What the hell I can’t avoid to suffer and I prefer to be
fucked-by-love again and of course fuck with love =)). Pleasuring myself
start to feels bored, even when I am not going to stop doing it
heheeheh….Well I am so-open to a friendly hand!!!!!!!!!
I just ask for so simple things like if you ask me to date just to fuck me
be clear, don’t try the lets go to have a dinner (anyway I am going to say
no for now) . Here we goes with the complicated ones, don’t make me gifts
just to date me or if you don’t feel it because it doesn’t work with me,
don’t LIE to me I will never-ever forget you , TRUST me in every way, be
OPEN, tolerant, AFFECTIONATE , kind, HONEST , real…..Please don’t be
perfect, be just addicted to me! Huh…it is too much?

* Sympathetic Carácter Lyrics by Alanis Morissette

CaUsE eVeN tHe ImPoSsIbLe Is EaSy WhEn We GoT eAcH oThEr ...

I can’t remember the last time I fall asleep thinking in someone in the way I did it these last day thinking of you. This amazing sensation of being with someone and feel him (in my case) so close when you are so-damn-physically alone. Absence and presence. Distances...miles....kilometres.... To me when the distance is physical means absolutely nothing. Soul distance is the one which scares to me. If two souls are connected in any way (love, friendship, sympathy) can not be separated by anything or anyone.
This subject affect me in a painful way. I have been rejected because of “so-called-distance”, well this was the excuse at the time. But people who use to think you can not have a long distance relationship (in any way I repeat) never experienced the ABSENCE of the PRESENCE???? I mean never feel that someone so close to them, people living with them are absolutely absentees?? That they can not ask for help to them and the “far-away-people” were there to help... That the physically near never made them feel what the far ones made it? Miles are just in their minds.....
When I feel something special for someone nothing is impossible, I had crossed the ocean just to be with someone. I moved to another country and I will do it a million times more if it was necessary. I have missed so much this feelings, this thoughts, this so-close-stomach, this permanent smile ( I feel myself like a ridiculous-smiling-statue) and I love it... For real when you loves does not love in a crazy way , loves like an idiot and it shows. I so hate myself saying stupid sentences (OK more than I used to do...let’s be honest) writing interminable e-mails with a fixed smile, lost myself in the space thinking “..how I wish, how I wish you were here...” , put angry face when I see a couple showing their damn happiness ( I am so crazy about you.....), the shock I felt anytime I receive one of your off-line messages, an e-mails, a phone call or just seeing you online keep this damn-silly-smile on my face!!!!! (and my tongue out as always hehe). Just close your eyes and kiss me...that is all I want from you right now!

“...And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war
for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl
year after year
Running over the same old ground
What have we found?
The same old fears
Wish you were here...” **

PS: Can you handle this mon chèri?????

** WISH YOU WERE HERE lyrics & music Waters, Gilmour PINK FLOYD

To LoVe AnD rEsPeCt ShOuLd Be ThE OnLy RuLz ....

Today is one of this day I feel comfortable with myself, I feel pretty and wise and a good person. I am not living the most great stage of my life, I am making a lot of changes, smiling, yelling, crying, walking, living (still in “ survival mode” )
These last days were a kind of so-weird-mixed feelings. I think when you are changing (whatever you change even your undies ) until you find the “exact” position you want to reach, your world shakes a lot, a kind of personal earthquake that can be 1 or 10 at Richter scale, in fact like real ones start with a little movements and then fffffffff goes on and on, and you don’t know exactly how long is going to be you life in this no-end-rollercoaster-mess.
Respect yourself, love yourself it more difficult then respect others. And have others respect is one of the most greatest things you can have in you life. Of course love is the big one .... If respect and love rules your life anything can be bad or at least you are going to make less mistakes. Respect and love should be always together . You can’t love without respect, and you can’t respect without love.... Just impossible...
I have to thank the fact I don’t hate. I use the word and know the meaning but I never feel it. I think really that we all were born as “angels” and life and so-called-civilisation turns as “evils”. As we all have a feminine and masculine part. I use to define myself as a SINNER&SAINT cause that’s how I feel I am. In my SAINT side you will find the respectful, grateful, beautiful, never lie, no false CaREN.. In my SINNER side you will find the angry, outgoing teaser, absent, hard to forgive (have to work this last one) CaREN.

“And you've never met anyone As negative as I am sometimes...
And you've never met anyone As positive as I am sometimes...
And you've never met anyone who's closed down as I am sometimes...
And you've never met anyone as everything as I am sometimes...”**

**EVERYTHING lyrics by Alanis Morissette

ViNcE tHe MaN WhO mAkEs Me BeLiEvE iN mEn AgAin

What can I say about Vince…. Sometimes I wonder about these angels that our mothers talk about when we were little kids. These angels are real and you can find them around the corner. I met one 3 years ago in Italy and I won’t
be able to see “his inside angel” at the time. This angel was named VINCE…
The most wonderful of all things in life is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a growing depth, beauty and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of special love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life.
After a long time being an officially I-don’t-believe-in-men just because they are men, and to distrust them, I can say him made me trust again. Why so? I just can tell you I saw him just three times in my life in three different countries. Because his work he used to travel and see a lot of people, and when I say a lot I mean thousands …..
But some summer day at Nimes -France I was absolutely of shocked by him, and believe me, it is not easy to shock me!!!
Now I am going to tell you how he did it. I asked him for a favor and he make my day, my week, my year, my decade, my…… He made me the most wonderful gift I ever received after my children. In fact he made me two gifts. First one, the one which shocked me was he saying to me “I remember you from Italy, you was sitting on the stairs, wearing a black leather pants, I remember you.” After a whole year and thousands of people!!! how can he remember me??? How can he remember what I was wearing?? or
were I was ?? I can feel shivers every time I remember his words, he made me feel absolutely special. Extra, Super, Hyper flattered!!!!!!
The second gift was a material one which is, I repeat the most greatest gift I ever received because WHAT IS IT and because it was with no string attached to it…..May no gift be too small to give, nor too simple to receive, which is wrapped in thoughtfulness and tied with love….
I saw him last Saturday again and he came to me and with his friendly and touchy smile just to say Hi again, this time In London.
So at the time you must be wondering how could a man made me believe in men again…Because he made me gifts??? NO WAY !!!!!. Because his position and work and the special circumstances I am there when he is there ( and reverse) , he could ask to me whatever he wants, and If you want me to be more specific he can ask for my soul, and I mean it….. But he did not. He just give love materialized in a spiritual and material gifts. I would love to know more about him, but right now I just want to thank him... if I close my eyes I can see him smiling and doing his job…..
Once in awhile, Right in the middle of an ordinary life, Love gives us a fairy tale. This is the kind of love I want from people, this is the only way to love that I understand… so simple…so amazing… so unforgettable….

If I wInK YoU wIlL dO wHaT i WaNt ... WiNk To Me AnD I wIlL dO tHe ReSt....

Do you know how powerful weapon can be just a simple “wink”??? I can tell you...Sadly I have to say women had more success with it. When I need something I know I can blink and I repeat I was to get it. Do you want an example of the so-called-power we have? OK a year ago my grandma had to take a plane and we all know that before Sep 11th security on airports should be 100%. Well I decide to wear an “almost” t-shirt whit the American flag crossing my breast...well barely covering them. First thing I did was look for a man in check in flights... Then go directly to him and “wink” with a baby face and ask for my grandma’s boarding passes (three) to arrive to her destination. This poor guy was so nervous that he had to do it two times. That was my first “bitch” act at airport. Next step should be go into the “private” part where you are only allowed to get in with a boarding pass which I had not!!!! So I get the attitude, put a little bit down my “almost” T-shirt and walk with my grandma where the “security” was. Again frightened baby face I ask with soft voice to go with my grandma until the plane door. What do you think policeman and airport security men did? Of course they don’t check if I had a bomb, they just see my own “bombs” and of course I get in... I got it with a simple wink and to be fair with my pair of .....Of course I can’t resist a “wink” from a man. Someone can?? Not me. I love to tease and be teased. The play. Eyes speaks. I remember once a woman told me “you have smile eyes” she was making a paint of my face. Through the eyes you can notice happiness, sadness, love... The look of an in love person is so beautiful. The mother’s eyes watching her children is amazing... Unforgettable eyes... I will remember your eyes always. I think eyes are sexy.

Please WINK more often and if is to me I will be flattered...

EvEn tHoUgH yOu MaY nOt BeLiEvE mE....

But I would be capable to make one for you. I know I have limited material resources but I have unlimited love to do it.
“Every time I think of you I always catch my breath....And I'm still standing here ...And you're miles away....And I'm wondering why you ARE NOT HERE???”.......
The TAJ MAHAL is one of the most beautiful (if not the most one) monuments of the world, but not only architectural speaking , but the meaning of it “The monument of the eternal love”.
In 1612, Arjumand Banu Begam, better known by her other name , Mumtaz Mahal was married to Shah Jehan (then Prince Khurram), the fifth mughal emperor. This marriage, although the emperor's second, was a real love-match, and Mumtaz was her husband's inseparable companion on all his journeys and military expeditions. She was his comrade, his counsellor, and inspired him to acts of charity and benevolence towards the weak and the needy. She bore him fourteen children, and died in childhood in 1630 (only three years after his accession to the throne) Overpowered by grief, Shah Jehan was determined to perpetuate her memory for immortality and decided to build his beloved wife the finest sepulchre ever - a monument of eternal love. After twenty-two laborious years, and the combined effort of over twenty thousand workmen and master craftsmen, the complex was finally completed in 1648 on the banks on the river Yamuna in Agra, the capital of mughal monarchs.
Love known no limits, no boundaries, no miles..... But only privileged can understand it, feel and live what I am writing.
My humble opinion as one of the privileged who understands that nothing, no one, not even dead can separate a soul from their other soulmate , when you start to hear things like “I live in New Jersey” “you're too young or you're too old, You are too white, to rich, to intelligent, to, to , to ...TOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!! (oops Hi Peter I am speaking like you “master of the excuses” XDDD don't sue me for use just a few ones ) just means your
so-desire love simply do not feel same as you. Now depends of you take the excuses, when the other person is not capable to tell you the truth you don’t even want to hear, and with a pair of ...(this thing that some men by nature and some by strength have between his legs ) fight against all odds.
Personally I wouldn’t give up with this, I would build you “the monument I think you deserve “ and if it is a TaJ MaJaL one I will do it , you bet, you will win.......
And I'm sending you this signal today You don't know How desperate I've become ... And it looks like I'm losing this fight.. Am I???????
How long can I stay haunted by you ..............