WhY dO I sAy I'aM fInE wHeN iT's ObViOuS tHaT I'm NoT????

Just want to know how long can I bear this pain? Why everything arround is so dark or is it just me? My sensibility level is so hight, more then the abnormal one. Take a look arround, think about someone, think in my past, future or obscure and lonely present makes me cry. I just want to cry. I am crying. Actually the only joy I can feel is the other ones happiness. The other ones success which are my only "nice" feelings.
Don't know how to fight. Don't know wich path to follow. Don't know even if this path exists. I guess I don't know anything.
I don't want to mention my physical pains, first of all cause I will need a hundred pages just to start and second cause there are not which are killing me, my soul pain is.
That's why I have to keep living in my coconut, I feel safe in here, unhappy but safe. And no one can even unintencionally hurt me. But no one comes to rescue me anyway...so sad (laughing on me). I am not the right person to give advises but laugh on you always, I guess this is what keeps me fighting against all, like a salmon does against the running water.
why is it so hard to be objective about myself?
why do I feel frantic when I first wake up in the morning?
why do I care whether you like me or not?
why cannot I live in the moment? ..........