Let' s get lost

ShE sAyS sHhHh I kNoW It'S oNlY iN mY hEaD, cAnT YoU sEe My WalLs ArE cRuMbLiNg..ThEn ShE LoOkS uP aT tHe BuIlDiNg AnD sAyS sHe'S tHiNkInG oF JuMpInG, sHe SaYs sHe'S tIrEd Of LiFe ShE mUsT bE TiReD oF SoMeThInG.....

Looking around and getting awareness of my solitude... Repeating and shouting to myself it is my choice so how can I complain? Looking around to see things that I don't want to see, hearing voices that I don't want to hear, sharing moments with empty souls that I don't want to share, reading books that I don't want to read, listening Alanis that I WANT to listen and I don't know why I'm
still holding on....I've been here before and I deserve a little more...
Looking up the building and thinking of jump, weightless ,unconscious, out of fear to fly to a place where someone who saw me go away with tears is waiting for me with its open wings to make me feel safe again. In its wings I will be able to rest because I am tired and I need a warm-safe-solitary-silent place to understand that it is only in my head...I've been here before and I deserve a little more...
Again what’s the name of the game? I don't want to play it, I won't go out to play, would you please stop tempting me? You know how weak I can be sometimes. Do you really want to see me jump and fly?
Looking around through oceans and mountains and countries and I don't know how many nationalities,waiting, stopping myself cause I think I am uninvited and you are my unfortunately slight...Looking around and staring at someone that I just can't touch ...
Today I take a glimpse in the mirror but I did not recognize my own face, I did not recognize my own words, too many storms have come and gone and yet I am breathing, surviving....My health is fading and I don't know why...

"...Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog
Where no one notices the contrast of white on white
And in between the moon and you the angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right
I walk in the air between the rain through myself and back again
Where? I don’t know
CARINA says she’s dying through the door I hear her crying
Why? I don’t know ..." *

Unsure, not ready, unavailable, disinterested, not inclined, deprived, depressed,contorted, stifled, compromised, silenced, sacrificed, afraid...and I know why....3978 exactly darn miles

* Round here performed by Counting Crows

aNd LiFe hAs a FuNnY wAy Of HeLpInG yOu OuT wHeN YoU tHiNk EvErYtHiNg'S gOnE wRoNg AnD eVeRyThInG bLoWs Up In YoUr FaCe ....

These special days I needed to go away, I mean fisically far from my own place and think a lot looking back over my shoulderrrrssss... and realise what I want and need to change to feel comfortable in my own skin. I knew I wouldn't be able to write again until my soul stopped crying.
After two years and can't understand why, someone made blush just mentioning his name which was a sensation I didn't felt since... Canadá.... But the strange thing is that this person that I can't stop thinking about is not the kind of person that I would even look in any place. I mean is not that I have a stereotype of man, but if something attacts me and turns me on too is intelligence, and he is a wise man and I love it....Stupidity, lack of knowledge makes me run away from people...The real problem is that I don't know and maybe never know if he feels the same way I feel. I just can't tell him not even ask him, and sadly by his behavior I guess don't need to ask him anyway.... I just going to tell you here and now that I think that .....
"...Your like snow but only if it's warm
Your like rain but only if it's dry
Your like pain but only if it doesn't hurt too much
and you sit... and you wait... to receive
There's an obvious attraction To the path of least resistance in your life
There's an obvious aversion no amount of my insistence could make you try tonight ...." *

These words and senteces goes to my ex-husband sadly father of my beloved children..
- Precarious mind
- Empty soul
- Useless "human"
- Inept selfish
- Ungrateful irresponsible
"...Hello Mr. Man You didn't think I'd come back
You didn't think I'd show up with my army And this ammunition on my back
Now that I'm Miss Thing Now that I'm a zillionaire
You scan the credits for your name And wonder why it's not there ....:"**

With my highest level of rage and anger I wish I can see with my eyes the day you pay the fucking pain your a making feel my children, you just diserve the biggest punishment life can give you and I am going to be there, watching, smiling, I can say enjoying a beautiful state of sweet revenge ".....You wait and see when the smoke clears ......."
Well I know my hostile level is high too, but I feel sick and tired to try to reason with empty minds, why should I use words when they don't serve to fix things? We all had different levels of pain resistance and I had suffered an overdose. Yes I spent my life succesfuly jumping obstacles, first I was raised and teached to use my intelligence for good things, then I feed ( and keep doing it) myself and my internal non-stop, and this made possible for me to jump those obstacles and reach until today all goals I've put in my life. But I have clear that I wont waste my time trying to reason with stones, right now I will go out with my children, enjoy sunny Barcelona and see their happy eyes and smiles which are the main reason to keep going against all odds.

"....It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures
Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you, life has a funny, funny way of helping you out...... Helping you out ....." ***

* Wake Up - Alanis Morissette
** Right Through You - Alanis Morissette
*** Ironic - Alanis Morissette
PS: Jagged Little Pill overdose too!

LiKe An AbAnDoNeD hOuSe DuStY-cOvErEd FuRnItUrE sTiLl InTaCt

I wish I could make disappear last weekend.I have exceeded the highest levels of stress and I am still alive, don't know how, I swear for the more valued thing that I am still overwhelmed for my so-survival power. I am not even capably of reporting with brightness and clarity the long succession of disagreeable facts that I had to bear with the sad company of my so-hated-loneliness.
I have submerged my mind in the deepest of my gateways of reality, my children, my music and of course the damned pills.
And again, and again, and bloody again"..how to keep smiling when you are thinking of killing yourself?..:" I know, I know that thinking that finishing with your existence can solve any problem sounds horrible and unfair for all those people that are dying and want to live, and stupid because there are no place so far to escape, your mind which is your "main problem" now, will be always with you. But feelings does not have explanation and they are stupid, uncompressible and unrestrained. Why we love, why we hate? Can you explain it? Not me.
Oh melancholy, silent company…Solitude, breath of rose say me who can stay with me. Melancholy comes to me advanced, comes so slow, comes with a slight dance of the space I yield, make myself faded and I fly like a bird, slow ship in the breeze, soft blue grief ...
You are killing me so slowly. What are you expecting from me? how long hurting me?
How deep must be the wound to satiate your voracious appetite and your untiring necessity to see me begging for a second of peace in my life? I don't want to hear anymore shouts. Why to shout when the other person is to your side? It is not possible to speak to him in low voice? Why outcries to a person when you are angered? When two people are angered, their hearts move away much. In order to cover that distance they must shout, to be able to be listened to. While more angered they are, stronger they will have to shout to be listened to one another one through that great distance.
When they discuss do not leave its hearts move away, they do not say words that distance more to them, will arrive a day in which the distance is so much that will not find plus the return way.
I promise to stop shouting, because against all odds as I wrote astitle I feel myself like an abandoned house dusty-covered,(but)Furniture(my heart) still Intact……

HeArTbUrN aNd HeAdAcHeS aNd SoOn-To-Be UlCeRs

I feel so hating myself today. I feel bad inside, outside, beside, up, down .....
I feel my life sucks, I wish I can jump from my window and stop the pain. I feel, I wish... but I can not be selfish, I haven’t this opportunity who only blessed people have, I haven’t this choice because I have 2 reasons to keep fighting against ...myself???
I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to be with anyone. I don’t want to speak, to talk, to hear, to breathe !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have such indignant feeling of I JUST CAN NOT DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE MY F*CKING LIFE and neither to stop it.
I am under all kind of pressure you can not even imagine. I have the weight of everything and everyone on me, I have to carry with it, it is my duty.
I wont ask if is fair or not ,, cause I said several times I do not believe in justice, and besides fair or unfair WTF ??? Who cares about me?? Maybe Dr. Kevorkian will come up with an internet-based suicide-inducing mechanism to end my pain. It would be helpful.
“And all I really want is some patience ,
a way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance...
And all I need now is intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer
All I really want is some peace man
A place to find a common ground
And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
And all I really want is some justice...” *

It is anyone out there of my self-made-own-coconut???

* All I really want Lyrics by Alanis Morissette

FrAnTiC ......ShAtTeReD

I need to cry frantically. I need to run away from my reality. But as far I want to go I arrive to nowhere. Just wonder why there are so many people who loves to hurt you, who loves to show you “how I don’t move a finger” in your face. This in not the human nature.
When someone is in a trouble or needed I don’t think for a second, I just jump to the emptiness and do whatever with no strings attached. And it is not that I am “perfect” (DON’T WANT TO NEITHER!!) , I try my best , try to be “a good human been as possible” that’s all. Why people can’t understand that with those horrible behavior they leave a gap which it will be hard to fill…they just shatter the harmony in your life and seems to be happy for it.
Those last days was like being every single minute at the wrong time. Such a confusion state, such a high stress levels that I can’t even concentrate in nothing….Now I look around, tired of cry, tired of fight, and just can see and hear people, but can’t understand what are they doing or saying, don’t want to. Just want to go away, far away, so far away….
Am I fated to not find myself? I lost myself, don’t know when…I am not me anymore since a long time ago. Do I want to find myself again or maybe for the first time?? Things are not easily to explain, but more difficult is to understand it. Everything is so unfair. Justice haha this weird word created, there is no such thing.
Where the angels our parents talk to us when we were little and ingenuous?? Where are the unselfish ones?? Where are the lovely people?? I take a look around again and nothing ……..
I make a great quantity of unfortunate choices. “..To whom do I owe the biggest apology ?No ones been crueler than I've been to me…”
“I am sorry to myself…My apologies begin here before everybody else…I am sorry to myself….For treating me worse than I would anybody else”
I am tired, I don’t want to cry anymore….I can’t cry anymore, my eyes are so dry. I GIVE UP….SORRY

WhY dO I sAy I'aM fInE wHeN iT's ObViOuS tHaT I'm NoT????

Just want to know how long can I bear this pain? Why everything arround is so dark or is it just me? My sensibility level is so hight, more then the abnormal one. Take a look arround, think about someone, think in my past, future or obscure and lonely present makes me cry. I just want to cry. I am crying. Actually the only joy I can feel is the other ones happiness. The other ones success which are my only "nice" feelings.
Don't know how to fight. Don't know wich path to follow. Don't know even if this path exists. I guess I don't know anything.
I don't want to mention my physical pains, first of all cause I will need a hundred pages just to start and second cause there are not which are killing me, my soul pain is.
That's why I have to keep living in my coconut, I feel safe in here, unhappy but safe. And no one can even unintencionally hurt me. But no one comes to rescue me anyway...so sad (laughing on me). I am not the right person to give advises but laugh on you always, I guess this is what keeps me fighting against all, like a salmon does against the running water.
why is it so hard to be objective about myself?
why do I feel frantic when I first wake up in the morning?
why do I care whether you like me or not?
why cannot I live in the moment? ..........

TEARS FROM SOUL

I don't know how many tears I cried this afternoon. I just feel a mixed of rage, and sadness. I received a lot of nice words, and a lot of affection from people. But it is easy to say YOU TOOK THE RIGHT DECISION .. YOU ARE A VERY STRONG WOMAN, YOU HAVE A LOT OF COURAGE. What about this horrible feeling??? Ok I decide to *try* to "forget" and "forgive".
"...we would share, and listen, and support, and welcome, be propelled by passion, not invest in outcomes, we would breathe, and be charmed, and amused by difference, be gentle and make room for every emotion.." A room for every emotion. TODAY I CLOSE DEFENETELY AN EMOTIONAL ROOM AND THREW THE KEY TO THE DEEPEST OCEAN....

PANDORA'S BOX

Mmmm desde 1989 y sin ser "EINSTEIN" hasta hoy van.....14 años con la box. Me hace gracias pensar hacia atrás (me explico.. bueh no importa) y seguir contando la cantidad de "personas" que me han cuestionado mi valiosa caja de Pandora... hace unos minutos alguien me la ha cuestionado...Claro que la línea entre las drogas ilegales y la legales es tan fina (drogas...líneas) creo que estoy escribiendo exactamente lo opuesto a lo que quiero expresar o..será mi subconciente??? Naaaa nací con exceso de adrenalina, por eso tengo mi Pandora's box conmigo. Debería ocultarlo? Debería aguantar que me cuestionen? Debería escucharlos?
Claro que no CaREN.....(cariño-carismática mujer). JODANSE que las recetas las recojo cada día 12 y estoy en LISTA CRONICAS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ustedes se lo curran en forma ilegal y ni siquiera tienen la "chispa" de tirarla..... Moraleja: PARA ALGO EXISTIMOS LOS ABOGADOS.

Introducing myself or...

How to start with this crazy idea. Encuentro interesante la idea (aunque la defina como loca) de expresarme, cabrearme, desfogarme, excitarme y deprimirme por aqui. Fijate por donde ...Y van ya 30 mg de diazepam más antidepresivo más el tranki* de moda que ahora también ayuda a los yonkis "ilegales". No se si es el mejor día, ni tampoco me interesa....esa es la idea... NO ME INTERESA.
As I said first this is a sort of intoduction, why changing languages? Cause depends on my mood. And i guess this is more communicative. Did I mention that I am extremely communicative? At the time you must know it. O no... tampoco tienes porque...
En fin, mientras me voy acercando a la "pandora's box" , suena el teléfono, amigas en apuro, lo siento son prioridad.......