Oh WiTh An AcHiNg FeEliNg InSiDe CuTtInG mE uP...dEePeR aNd DeEpEr...FiLlS mE wItH sAdNeSs ThAt I cAn'T hIdE...

How to start to resume two years of absolute and deep solitude. How to describe this heap of feelings and sadness,absences and rejections, continuous NO!! to every extended hand, every I love you, every I want to be with you. How could I be so selfish and at same time abandone
myself in this mess? How revolting! Damn I could feel you slipping through my fingers I don't even knew the reason why...
Fuck I just want to breathe but I can't find air!! I need space but I am trapped in a spider's web, I want to run away so far away, a new place where nobody recognize me, nobody talks to me, nobody judges me, a place that I wouldn't be able to reach even if exists..."...So little time try to understand that I'm...trying to make a move just to stay in the game, I try to stay awake and remember my name, but everybody's changing and I don't feel right...".
Please stop temptimg me life!!!!!!!!! Should I stop reapeating non-stop "how to keep smiling when you thinking of killing yourself" anybody can answer me? I am sick and tired, tired of my own thoughts of punishment, my fear of bliss, my regrets thoughs even when I never regret of my acts.
Again I wonder too much pain can kill you? And sadly again I answer to myself "sadly not". I want to be soft and resolved clean of slate and released, I want to forgive...but now just for me...who's ready to put down this load I've carried longer than I had cared to remember???
Screw you fucking solitude !!!!! I am going to leave you soon...

1 comentario

[Mário - 03 de diciembre de 2004 - 03:26]

Carina, minha linda... Por quê estás assim? I wish that I could hold you now, trying to ease your pain. I know, sometimes, somedays are so hard ... But I don't want to see you sad. Everytime you feel this way, remember all the ones that love you.
I want to talk to you soon about you wrote, ok? Many kisses.
You are wonderful, my dear Carina.