BuT nOw I fEeL aLoNe My FeElInGs TuRn To StOnE mY hEaRt MaKeS nO aPoLoGiEs....ThEoRiZiNg AnD rEsSuMiNg ThE cIrClE oF lIfE...

I try my best to understand the inexplicable. I spent so many days trying to accept the things that I can't change gripped by grief, drowning in my own tears, tears from my heart that I've cried cause my grandad has past away on Christmas eve and 12.000 kilometers away from me. Is not that I want to fight against life, till the time we are conscious about life and death we know this is something, well I should say with birth too, that we can't avoid. But my rage comes from the way I knew it and had to face how people can have such a bad heart, "come on put the gun on my head and pull the trigger" if it makes you feel better but don't play with my feelings. My first reaction after the shock and still in grievious state was a sort of hate and impotence. The sort of hate feelings comes from the way I knew about my grandad's death ...reading newspaper on the internet!! yes that's my family on Xmas time... The impotence comes because the distance. Then I realise I was wrong. First of all I start to remember the good times with him and of course tireless of cry I start to feel the relief he should felt when he stopped breathing, he wanted to die and he lived a long and intense life. I knew real love from him and my grandma. They were born in the same little town in Italy called Colletorto. He was from a "good" family and she was from a "poor" family" but soon as they met they madly fall in love .After 5 years and with all his family against her, cause he could marry a rich girl but he didn't when he turn 21 years old he marry her till with 20 and they spent 6 months married without living together. He passed every night in front of her house and they just smile to each other. When she turned 21 they went to live together and build a "family". They have 5 children, 2 female, 2 of them died and my father the little one and the "MALE" you should know what it means for the italians at the time and still...
I am going to keep with me all the good memories, as I said I realise I was wrong first of all distance wouldn't change anything, make stronger the pain for the ones who stay here, but is a selfish feeling. And hate, "hate" is not in my vocabulary and I firmly believe that hate consume your mind and also your body, shows the worst part of you and kills you even when you can feel you are breathing. To hate is just to fill yourself with pain and this pain sooner or later is going to consume your sould and body...
"...Forse cambierà nella testa della gente la mentalità di chi ascolta ma non sente prima che il silenzio scenda su ogni cosa quel silenzio grande dopo l´aria esplosa...."
I've never felt this loneliness before, phisic-mind-soul-immense solitude... It is so hard to explain the incoherent duplicity of need it and can't stand it. I don't want to hear noise including words, but I can't hear silence anymore. So how do I hear when I wont hear and how do I start to hear if ....
I will resist and persist and accept there are so many thing that I can't change because it's life and has no expanation. In the meantime I will be fighting, smiling, loving and enjoying the things I was blessed with...

"...because I can't not ..because I can't not
because I can't afford to be misread one more time
would it be whining if I said I needed a hug?
would you feel slighted if I said your love's not enough?
and how can I complain?
and how can I complain when I'm the one that reaches for this?
why do you affect me? why do you affect me still?
why do you hinder me? why do you hinder me still?
why do you unnerve me? why do you unnerve me still?
why do you trigger me? why do you trigger me still? ..."**

** Can't not lyrics by Alanis Morissette