It WoN't Be LoNg BeFoRe I aM rEcLaImEd... It WoN't TaKe LoNg aNd I'Ll Be On PaTh AgAiN... I'm At ThE eNd Of SeLf DePrIvAtIoN sTaGe...
Rage has me disabled. I have my heart in a crystal box with a huge "fragil" poster, seemingly nobody see it. Why do I feel so unfortunate? If I speak of love would you label it as absurd? Of course you will do it. I feel off limits during this transition to the end of my self-deprivation stage.
With an aching deep in my soul, I start to relate cold air with a cool breeze which is amazingly good because I am seeing both sides of every situation.
I've heard her on her bones showing resistance to death, claiming to live and ten days later to know she died shocked me, knocked me... It's been forty three days since he has gone away too. I always has familiarized with the concept of distance, because I've lived most of my life far away from my beloved and relative ones so distance was a so-known concept to me, in fact I was strange to the concept of physical distance.
Nop... no, darkness is not everywhere, for here and there I find faces illuminated from within; paper lanterns among the dark trees... Heart is frail and easily broken, but wonderfully resilient. Do not wait for the last judgement, it takes place every day, I promise...Changes are miracles to contemplate and they take place every instant.
"...Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter I would've naturally loved the former..."
"...I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company
I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all..."*
From my refugee
*Stuck in a moment - U2
I try my best to understand the inexplicable. I spent so many days trying to accept the things that I can't change gripped by grief, drowning in my own tears, tears from my heart that I've cried cause my grandad has past away on Christmas eve and 12.000 kilometers away from me. Is not that I want to fight against life, till the time we are conscious about life and death we know this is something, well I should say with birth too, that we can't avoid. But my rage comes from the way I knew it and had to face how people can have such a bad heart, "come on put the gun on my head and pull the trigger" if it makes you feel better but don't play with my feelings. My first reaction after the shock and still in grievious state was a sort of hate and impotence. The sort of hate feelings comes from the way I knew about my grandad's death ...reading newspaper on the internet!! yes that's my family on Xmas time... The impotence comes because the distance. Then I realise I was wrong. First of all I start to remember the good times with him and of course tireless of cry I start to feel the relief he should felt when he stopped breathing, he wanted to die and he lived a long and intense life. I knew real love from him and my grandma. They were born in the same little town in Italy called Colletorto. He was from a "good" family and she was from a "poor" family" but soon as they met they madly fall in love .After 5 years and with all his family against her, cause he could marry a rich girl but he didn't when he turn 21 years old he marry her till with 20 and they spent 6 months married without living together. He passed every night in front of her house and they just smile to each other. When she turned 21 they went to live together and build a "family". They have 5 children, 2 female, 2 of them died and my father the little one and the "MALE" you should know what it means for the italians at the time and still... 
Today is gonna be the day
How to start to resume two years of absolute and deep solitude. How to describe this heap of feelings and sadness,absences and rejections, continuous NO!! to every extended hand, every I love you, every I want to be with you. How could I be so selfish and at same time abandone 
Too many icy silences...too many time mind-blocked. Don't want to be anymore this darn "beast of burden" this heavy weight called solitude begins to stop my steps.
"...I guess now it's time for me to give up 
How many times do I have to give you explanations? "...why can't you just you read my mind??...". I so hate you judging me, thinking I am acting in a "wrong way", that I am not doing what you think is "perfect" or just thinking I am doing things that I am not doing. What the hell do you want from me? I can give you my soul if you ask for it and you know that. And I so hate myself for keep smiling you. What's wrong with my attitude with other people? I am not going to allow you or any other smart-wise-intelligent man letting deceide if I am being a "nice girl" from his point of view. You are the one who is keeping the physical distance, you are the one who doens't take the phone and call, you are the one rejecting my sugestions about us!! Stupid should I call myself for thinking in the "OK I will act like you want being-staying-breathing-taking just with you.
To: NARCISSUS
So-frustrating to write this but I cant help to feel such a rage, I miss so much being loved, kissed, caressed... This is related with my last post. I receive a lot of messages from people that I dont even know telling me oh CaREN you will find the right man, you are so cute, and friendly and wise and sexy haha and the man you choose to be with, will be the most happiest man on earth because you are this ..and that ... and (all kind of wonderful things that I AM NOT!!!!!! I dont understand how people can say this things to a woman who is saying.. screaming...yelling she feels alone (putting glasses on even when she doesnt need ones).... oh you just look around you and you will find him. Somehow, I find this to be the worst way to considers me to be permanently "just a great woman." I am not looking, so I am not going to watch around. I just miss love and I am writing it!!! I mean, I write it because I can express my feelings openly, but not to find a man , less here!!!!! 
Today I want to know why I so difficult to find YOU... Am I being so-selective? Do I worth? Can I make somebody else feel in bliss? Can someone fall in love with me? So many questions and no answers.
May I look weak because my so-sad blog-stories. That must be the reason why you think you can face up to me
NO WAY
.
This lines are dedicated to a gorgeous man. Yes gorgeous outside but most beautiful inside. I use to call him Angel ... ...there's always one reason to feel not good enough and it's hard at the end of the day... . He shines, his smile makes you smile, and his shyness is so provocative....... Let me tell you that you are like snow only if is warm, or rain only if is dry. I wish I could express myself in your language, I wish I could be holding your hand and talk to you for hours until the sun comes up. I wish I could explain so many thing from life to you, and breathe into you to makes you feel good. I am not telling you arent strong, in fact maybe you are stronger than me, but I have more than a few years (huh) than you ... But I realise that we are living a similar situation, that our needs are the same, doesnt matter age, or distance or different cultures. So this is for you in the arms of an angel far away from there from your dark cold room and the endlessness that you fear, you are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie...you're in the arms of your soul-mate-Angel... and may you find some comfort here (with me) "