I'vE bEeN sLeEpInG a ThOuSaNd YeArS iT sEeMs GoT tO oPeN mY EyEs To EvErYtHiNg...WiThOuT a ThOuGhT...WiThOuT a VoIcE... WiThOuT a SoUl....

Damned ear-splitting silence. I just can hear the echoes of my own thoughts and my mind shrinks again on and on. I feel myself tired to receive
countless and inexhaustible bad news. Phisycally far from relative's dead and disease but heart-mind-soul together.
Distance magnify feelings for bad or good...whatever...looking my mom's face hearing her voice asking for health while her life is fading so slowly
made me feel sad and angry against everything and everyone. Bitterness and rage and a deep anguish that I can't stop.
From the whispers of the aching loneliness appears my soul, like a thin frail mist,looking for a shelter to rest, it is felt, soft and everywhere,
like the rustle of the silk.And I look again towards the sky as the raindrops mix with the tears I cry...I lost myself
There's nothing terribly wrong with feeling lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on my part to actually do something about it, so I
"beg" you all not to ask me again to help me to find myself, do not want it now. Too often I feel complacent with my self earned status as
fabulous freak of nature =) ,perpetually wearing my "rare and curious phenomenon" like a favorite t-shirt.
Someone really special told me that I use to think that I can fix things just with love, nothing so far from my thoughts and feelings, such a
weird and wrong perception. Can I send love to hell? There are so many things in my priority list that I have forgotten how to love again.
The absolute dependency of two human beings, their health, their love, their well-being are on the top of the list no doubt.
I have the imperious necessity to undo me off these things, is not that I am looking for sympathy nor another shoulder to cry, thank God I have so
many that I can not use them...You can be in the middle of a crowd and feel yourself absolutely alone. It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise
not crowds.
"...That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight, losing my religion..." How can I still believe and love a God who rewards and
punishes his creatures? I feel that I simply can not build my hopes and believes on a fundation of confusion and fear, and yet, I think
this sufferance will end and some peace and rest will come to me."...I seen a rainbow yesterday but too many storms have come and gone
leaving a trace of not one God-given ray Is it because my life is ten shades of gray I pray all ten fade away seldom praise Him for the sunny days
Don't go chasing waterfallslisten to the rivers and the lakes that You're used to!!!! ..." *

You should never take more than you give...Believe in yourself the rest is up to me and you, up to us...

"...I see you averting your glances
I see you cheering on the war
I see you ignoring your children
I see you altering history
I see you abusing the land
I see you and your selective amnesia
I see you holding your grudges
I see you gunning them down
I see you silencing your sisters
I see you lie to your country
I see you forcing them out
I see you blaming each other

And I love you still
And I love you still..." **

From my shelter
* Waterfalls - TLC
* Still - Alanis Morissette (Dogma Soundtrack)