I'vE bEeN sLeEpInG a ThOuSaNd YeArS iT sEeMs GoT tO oPeN mY EyEs To EvErYtHiNg...WiThOuT a ThOuGhT...WiThOuT a VoIcE... WiThOuT a SoUl....

Damned ear-splitting silence. I just can hear the echoes of my own thoughts and my mind shrinks again on and on. I feel myself tired to receive
countless and inexhaustible bad news. Phisycally far from relative's dead and disease but heart-mind-soul together.
Distance magnify feelings for bad or good...whatever...looking my mom's face hearing her voice asking for health while her life is fading so slowly
made me feel sad and angry against everything and everyone. Bitterness and rage and a deep anguish that I can't stop.
From the whispers of the aching loneliness appears my soul, like a thin frail mist,looking for a shelter to rest, it is felt, soft and everywhere,
like the rustle of the silk.And I look again towards the sky as the raindrops mix with the tears I cry...I lost myself
There's nothing terribly wrong with feeling lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on my part to actually do something about it, so I
"beg" you all not to ask me again to help me to find myself, do not want it now. Too often I feel complacent with my self earned status as
fabulous freak of nature =) ,perpetually wearing my "rare and curious phenomenon" like a favorite t-shirt.
Someone really special told me that I use to think that I can fix things just with love, nothing so far from my thoughts and feelings, such a
weird and wrong perception. Can I send love to hell? There are so many things in my priority list that I have forgotten how to love again.
The absolute dependency of two human beings, their health, their love, their well-being are on the top of the list no doubt.
I have the imperious necessity to undo me off these things, is not that I am looking for sympathy nor another shoulder to cry, thank God I have so
many that I can not use them...You can be in the middle of a crowd and feel yourself absolutely alone. It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise
not crowds.
"...That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight, losing my religion..." How can I still believe and love a God who rewards and
punishes his creatures? I feel that I simply can not build my hopes and believes on a fundation of confusion and fear, and yet, I think
this sufferance will end and some peace and rest will come to me."...I seen a rainbow yesterday but too many storms have come and gone
leaving a trace of not one God-given ray Is it because my life is ten shades of gray I pray all ten fade away seldom praise Him for the sunny days
Don't go chasing waterfallslisten to the rivers and the lakes that You're used to!!!! ..." *

You should never take more than you give...Believe in yourself the rest is up to me and you, up to us...

"...I see you averting your glances
I see you cheering on the war
I see you ignoring your children
I see you altering history
I see you abusing the land
I see you and your selective amnesia
I see you holding your grudges
I see you gunning them down
I see you silencing your sisters
I see you lie to your country
I see you forcing them out
I see you blaming each other

And I love you still
And I love you still..." **

From my shelter
* Waterfalls - TLC
* Still - Alanis Morissette (Dogma Soundtrack)

YoU cAn ExPrEsS yOuR dEePeSt Of TrUtHs EvEn If It MeAnS I'Ll LOSE YOU AnD I'Ll HeAr It (aNd ThErE aRe No StRiNgS AtTaChEd To It)...

I can't afford to be misread nor misunderstood one more time... would it be whining if I said I needed a hug?. I have to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged. Let me caress you underhandedly, so many times trying to convince you that LOVE is everything it's cracked up to be, it really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. But I was unworthy or maybe just not enough for you. Sadly I will never know.
I feel breathlessness just to think you are mad at me,because you are!!!! and so hard to pretend I don't care. We both know that I loved much more than you could love me back. Just one truth (it doesn't have two faces) facts,reality...
Today I've received a phone call saying the package from Canada finally arrived. Now at home I see more than gifts and words. I see the time you spent doing it, preparing it, and it worth for me more than you can even imagine. Blood relatives are together now.

I think "we're surprised we're not in a far-gone asylum, we're surprised we didn't crack-up" I was hoping we could crack each other up ..but as always sadly mistaken. I wouldn't have feigned needlessness ,I would not have been so self deprecating , I wouldn't screamed out loud how lonely I was, I wouldn't discredited every compliment nor refuse so many love ...it was your approval I wanted. So unbelievable. So pathetic..and still not ashamed..
I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain..I know where you hide.. I Know all of the things that make you who you are ... I've always tried to express my inner feelings, never meant to hurt you, "...I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell,and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt, and in the meantime I lost myself, in the meantime I lost myself. I'm sorry I lost myself….I am..." * .

I would ask you for a minute to explain my last words but I know you don't want to hear me and I respect that, just let me tell you that you are always on my mind, and you have left a mark in my heart impossible to erase, doesn't matter how much you try to disappoint me.
Peter I won't harm you or touch your defences, vanity, insecurity...I promise, but you can't erase all the past in a moment, anyway you said goodbye so many times before.....I saw you disappear fading into beautiful light and I couldn't stopped you, because that's what you wanted, that was your chose.

"...Why do you affect me? why do you affect me still?
why do you hinder me? why do you hinder me still?
why do you unnerve me? why do you unnerve me still?
why do you trigger me? why do you trigger me still? ..."**

* Sorry to Myself - Alanis Morissette
** Are you still mad - Alanis Morisse

ThErE's A bUtTeRfLy TrApPeD iN a SpIdEr'S wEb ....BuTtErFlY a.k.a CaREN a.k.a. QuEeN oF pAiN ...

Only those who risk going far can possibly find out how far one can go. Oh yes always looks good on paper and sounds good in theory. Risks, obstacles never scared me, but I need to see the obstacles to fight against them, to jump them. Such a big burden to bear. Where the heck is the exit please?????
There is not place to far to go, there is no way to escape, there is no soul out there.
I appeal again and again to my more effective gateway... music. I crawl into the notes and get lost in the space where everything is OK, where nothing fucked me, where everything is so soft and weightless."....Musica è guardare più lontano e perdersi in se stessi la luce che rinasce e coglierne i riflessi su pianure azzurre si aprono, su più su i miei pensieri spaziano ed io mi accorgo che che tutto intorno a me...musica è..."*
But, but , but ...Je voyais la réalité, qui est le plus puissant des hallucinogènes.... And when the music stops reality is waiting for me ready to attack like a hungry wolf in the mountain. And yes, my reality is the most powerful hallucinogen.
The butterfly a.k.a CaREN was trapped again and tries to figure how to be liberated while observes as the spider approaches very slow towards her with the only intention of devouring her slowly, and what can she do? How to escape from a spiderweb?
I can't complain nor protest about my loneliness cause "I've been out of reach and separatist heaven forbid average (whatever average means)". The ultimate measure of man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. huh I feel like Eminem..... We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.
So I invite you too to follow as I am going to do these immense, wise and incredible words:
"Always have present that...
The skin wrinkles, the hair becomes white,
the days turn into years.
But the important thing does not change,
your force and your conviction do not have age.
Your spirit is the duster of any spiderweb ,
behind of every line of arrival, there is one of departure;
While you are alive, feel alive; if you miss what you used to do,turn
to do it.
Do not live of yellow photos,
Keep going even when the whole world waits for you to give up.
Do not allow oxidize the iron that exists in you.
Instead of pity, make people respect you
When because age you could not run, jog; when you could not jog
walk, when you are not able to to walk use the cane.

BUT NEVER STOP."

* Musica è lyrics Eros Ramazzotti

BuT nOw I fEeL aLoNe My FeElInGs TuRn To StOnE mY hEaRt MaKeS nO aPoLoGiEs....ThEoRiZiNg AnD rEsSuMiNg ThE cIrClE oF lIfE...

I try my best to understand the inexplicable. I spent so many days trying to accept the things that I can't change gripped by grief, drowning in my own tears, tears from my heart that I've cried cause my grandad has past away on Christmas eve and 12.000 kilometers away from me. Is not that I want to fight against life, till the time we are conscious about life and death we know this is something, well I should say with birth too, that we can't avoid. But my rage comes from the way I knew it and had to face how people can have such a bad heart, "come on put the gun on my head and pull the trigger" if it makes you feel better but don't play with my feelings. My first reaction after the shock and still in grievious state was a sort of hate and impotence. The sort of hate feelings comes from the way I knew about my grandad's death ...reading newspaper on the internet!! yes that's my family on Xmas time... The impotence comes because the distance. Then I realise I was wrong. First of all I start to remember the good times with him and of course tireless of cry I start to feel the relief he should felt when he stopped breathing, he wanted to die and he lived a long and intense life. I knew real love from him and my grandma. They were born in the same little town in Italy called Colletorto. He was from a "good" family and she was from a "poor" family" but soon as they met they madly fall in love .After 5 years and with all his family against her, cause he could marry a rich girl but he didn't when he turn 21 years old he marry her till with 20 and they spent 6 months married without living together. He passed every night in front of her house and they just smile to each other. When she turned 21 they went to live together and build a "family". They have 5 children, 2 female, 2 of them died and my father the little one and the "MALE" you should know what it means for the italians at the time and still...
I am going to keep with me all the good memories, as I said I realise I was wrong first of all distance wouldn't change anything, make stronger the pain for the ones who stay here, but is a selfish feeling. And hate, "hate" is not in my vocabulary and I firmly believe that hate consume your mind and also your body, shows the worst part of you and kills you even when you can feel you are breathing. To hate is just to fill yourself with pain and this pain sooner or later is going to consume your sould and body...
"...Forse cambierà nella testa della gente la mentalità di chi ascolta ma non sente prima che il silenzio scenda su ogni cosa quel silenzio grande dopo l´aria esplosa...."
I've never felt this loneliness before, phisic-mind-soul-immense solitude... It is so hard to explain the incoherent duplicity of need it and can't stand it. I don't want to hear noise including words, but I can't hear silence anymore. So how do I hear when I wont hear and how do I start to hear if ....
I will resist and persist and accept there are so many thing that I can't change because it's life and has no expanation. In the meantime I will be fighting, smiling, loving and enjoying the things I was blessed with...

"...because I can't not ..because I can't not
because I can't afford to be misread one more time
would it be whining if I said I needed a hug?
would you feel slighted if I said your love's not enough?
and how can I complain?
and how can I complain when I'm the one that reaches for this?
why do you affect me? why do you affect me still?
why do you hinder me? why do you hinder me still?
why do you unnerve me? why do you unnerve me still?
why do you trigger me? why do you trigger me still? ..."**

** Can't not lyrics by Alanis Morissette

aNd LiFe hAs a FuNnY wAy Of HeLpInG yOu OuT wHeN YoU tHiNk EvErYtHiNg'S gOnE wRoNg AnD eVeRyThInG bLoWs Up In YoUr FaCe ....

These special days I needed to go away, I mean fisically far from my own place and think a lot looking back over my shoulderrrrssss... and realise what I want and need to change to feel comfortable in my own skin. I knew I wouldn't be able to write again until my soul stopped crying.
After two years and can't understand why, someone made blush just mentioning his name which was a sensation I didn't felt since... Canadá.... But the strange thing is that this person that I can't stop thinking about is not the kind of person that I would even look in any place. I mean is not that I have a stereotype of man, but if something attacts me and turns me on too is intelligence, and he is a wise man and I love it....Stupidity, lack of knowledge makes me run away from people...The real problem is that I don't know and maybe never know if he feels the same way I feel. I just can't tell him not even ask him, and sadly by his behavior I guess don't need to ask him anyway.... I just going to tell you here and now that I think that .....
"...Your like snow but only if it's warm
Your like rain but only if it's dry
Your like pain but only if it doesn't hurt too much
and you sit... and you wait... to receive
There's an obvious attraction To the path of least resistance in your life
There's an obvious aversion no amount of my insistence could make you try tonight ...." *

These words and senteces goes to my ex-husband sadly father of my beloved children..
- Precarious mind
- Empty soul
- Useless "human"
- Inept selfish
- Ungrateful irresponsible
"...Hello Mr. Man You didn't think I'd come back
You didn't think I'd show up with my army And this ammunition on my back
Now that I'm Miss Thing Now that I'm a zillionaire
You scan the credits for your name And wonder why it's not there ....:"**

With my highest level of rage and anger I wish I can see with my eyes the day you pay the fucking pain your a making feel my children, you just diserve the biggest punishment life can give you and I am going to be there, watching, smiling, I can say enjoying a beautiful state of sweet revenge ".....You wait and see when the smoke clears ......."
Well I know my hostile level is high too, but I feel sick and tired to try to reason with empty minds, why should I use words when they don't serve to fix things? We all had different levels of pain resistance and I had suffered an overdose. Yes I spent my life succesfuly jumping obstacles, first I was raised and teached to use my intelligence for good things, then I feed ( and keep doing it) myself and my internal non-stop, and this made possible for me to jump those obstacles and reach until today all goals I've put in my life. But I have clear that I wont waste my time trying to reason with stones, right now I will go out with my children, enjoy sunny Barcelona and see their happy eyes and smiles which are the main reason to keep going against all odds.

"....It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures
Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you, life has a funny, funny way of helping you out...... Helping you out ....." ***

* Wake Up - Alanis Morissette
** Right Through You - Alanis Morissette
*** Ironic - Alanis Morissette
PS: Jagged Little Pill overdose too!

DeCeMbEr 8tH /16tH 2002 ... WoNdErWaLl

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realised what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
but I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realised what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

* Wonderwall- Oasis

Oh WiTh An AcHiNg FeEliNg InSiDe CuTtInG mE uP...dEePeR aNd DeEpEr...FiLlS mE wItH sAdNeSs ThAt I cAn'T hIdE...

How to start to resume two years of absolute and deep solitude. How to describe this heap of feelings and sadness,absences and rejections, continuous NO!! to every extended hand, every I love you, every I want to be with you. How could I be so selfish and at same time abandone
myself in this mess? How revolting! Damn I could feel you slipping through my fingers I don't even knew the reason why...
Fuck I just want to breathe but I can't find air!! I need space but I am trapped in a spider's web, I want to run away so far away, a new place where nobody recognize me, nobody talks to me, nobody judges me, a place that I wouldn't be able to reach even if exists..."...So little time try to understand that I'm...trying to make a move just to stay in the game, I try to stay awake and remember my name, but everybody's changing and I don't feel right...".
Please stop temptimg me life!!!!!!!!! Should I stop reapeating non-stop "how to keep smiling when you thinking of killing yourself" anybody can answer me? I am sick and tired, tired of my own thoughts of punishment, my fear of bliss, my regrets thoughs even when I never regret of my acts.
Again I wonder too much pain can kill you? And sadly again I answer to myself "sadly not". I want to be soft and resolved clean of slate and released, I want to forgive...but now just for me...who's ready to put down this load I've carried longer than I had cared to remember???
Screw you fucking solitude !!!!! I am going to leave you soon...

D-dAyS aNd StRuCtUrE...rEsPoNsIbIlItY...CoMpUlSiVe YeaArNiNgS nOn-StoP tO pLeAsE oThErS...

Can't remember how many time has passed since I don't break the so-politically-correct-society-rules.
Living in this structured life and being as usual "the beast of burden" start to make me feel more than upset and outrageous, it's simply driving me crazy (more and more every day) is now when people should be grateful to be far far away from me.
Complaining-woman is back. I need to spit out so many things....Let's go, speak to me, tell me everything what is happening to you now, because when your soul is alone weeps...you should take everything out as the spring does... nobody wants things dying deep inside, speak to others looking at the eyes, take out things and thoughts in order that inside can born new things,that's what I want, that's what I need.. new things.
So now when you think you are "nearly" to know what you want how to get it? huh tough to answer.
We used to think too many d-days, too much responsibility can kill us but noooo, it's a kind of life sweet revenge, a fucking-slowly sufferance. But what can we do? Absolutely nothing or use this scape-via to complain about things that then when you see real world sufferance sounds so ridiculous, even when is not, because our problems are our world..our darn life...
But I have my right to complain, I can't stand structures, I wont go through d-day "daily", I wont carry with all responsibility (just mine, my weight...metaphorically speaking of course) so get outgha here with your stupid things, I wont compulsively yearning everyday just to please you. I notice everyday that I wont be anymore an ear-person to every asshole who wants to come and make my brain explode with stupidity, non-sense situations, words that actually I just can't understand.
Having lunch with a colleague I've said that I feel myself in other dimension, I feel like I've lived 70 years, I had since today a full and inmense and in both ways horrible and beautiful life(most beautiful to be honest). But I can say out load that I had lived intensely every moment of my life.
I feel also like an hibernating bear with my stand-by life, walking in circles, closing bridges to avoid anyone approach me and also shocked for allow me being for the first time in my life selfish. I promise "...to be harm-free and distress-less (trust me)...) but I need you...
Are you out there for me? I also promise to give you my hand, grab your and pull to have you close as possible to me,to be able to hear you breath and let you hear my heartbeats, smiling as always...

"...How to keep people at arm's length and never get too close
How to mistrust the ones you supposedly love the most
How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone
How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone..." *

* 8 easy steps lyrics by Alanis Morissette

AnD I SaLuTe "ME" FoR "MY" CoUrAgE...AnD I ApPlAuD "MY" pErSeVeRaNcE ...AnD I EmBrAcE "ME" FoR "MY" FaItH iN tHe FaCe Of AdVeRsArIaL fOrCeS tHaT I RePrEsEnT...

Think.
Use wisely your intelligence.
Look what is not simple to sight.
Insist on discovering the mysteries.
Analyze in order that you can undertand things.
Synthesize to undertand.
The body takes the nutrients and rejects the rest.
Do the same with your mind.

Think.
Use this so-powerful resource.
Filter in order that you do not have to swallow stones.
Distinguishe the essential things of the trivial things.
The valuable things of the useless things.
The transitory things of the eternal things.
The transcendentals things of the mundane things.
**Do not fill your head with garbage**.

Think.
Don't allow random control your destiny.
The most valuable works do not owe to the luck.
They come from intelligence, conscience and work.
When you use your discernment, leave space for the intuition.
The reflection is the counterweight of the emotions.
The manacle that regulates the intense flow.
The base of the calculation and of the prudence.
A condition for the coexistence and existence.
A vivacious example of the human evolution.
Our opportunity on the beasts.
Reflect.
Act.
Move.
Think!!!!!!!

"...I’ll face it with a grin
I’m never giving in
On - with the show -
I’ll top the bill, I’ll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the -
On with the show -
The show must go on..." *

This post is dedicated to myself

*The show must go on - Queen

WhY dO I fEeL cElLuLaRy oNe? WhY iS IT So MuCh WoRk To StAy CoNcIoUs AnD sO eAsY tO gEt StUcK aNd NoT tHe OtHeR wAy ArRoUnD?

I hate my permanent-weakness-state. I don't know what to do, how to act, what tosay, icy silences just kill any movement I want to make. It's so hard to understand that it is not possible to defend what is not loved and it is not possible
to love what is not known??????
I was talking with a friend today about our so-same-dependence and so-need to be loved. The horrible feeling to need desesperatly a cuddle, a carress, a hug,a kiss, to feel another hand and soul warmly touching you. To need someone to demonstrate you how important you are in any way, someone to share your dreams and your reality, who needs to speak with
you, who miss you.
I look and feel right now like alost ship into the deep blue ocean in the middle of a terrible storm sending a S.O.S message whitout any response... Oh gee I read myself and I feel so sad and patethic!!!
"...Can you see the sunset in my eyes??? Brown and grey and blue besides...
Clouds are stalking islands in the sun, I wish I could buy one out of season ..."

For hearing all my doubts so selectively!!!!
For continuing my numbing relentlessly!!!!!!!!!
For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable!!!!!!!!!
For treating me worse than I would anybody else!!!!!!!!
For my impatience when I was perfect where I was!!!!!!!
For ignoring you: my highest voices!!!!!!!
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious!!!!!!!
For being so disassociated from my body!!!!!!!!!
Because of these thing reality slaps my face without any compassion. I use to think if
I had a former life for sure I was Adolf Hitler (do you got it??????)
So continuing with the song ..."I’m sorry to myself my apologies begin here before
everybody else..."

I am out of love, out of faith, out of tears surviving in my asolutely-usless-life...

WaLkInG mAn To NoWhErE ...LiKe Me ...

Thanks to my lovely Lif

WhAt PaRt Of YoUr MeMoRy Is SeLeCtIvE aNd TeNdS tO fOrGeT? WhAt WiTh ThIs DiStAnCe iT sEeMs So ObViOuS?

Voluntarily absent-minded... I don't want to think about these damn thing that keeps me crying all days since... "...Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see.It’s getting hard to be someone but it all works out, it doesn’t matter much to me.***********************Let me take you down************************** ’cause I’m going to strawberry fields.Nothing is real and nothing to get hungabout. Strawberry fields forever..." * .I want to stay in a trance-state, I need a blast, a beautiful realease. I've spent so many times withdrawing into myself , living in my coconut and seems that every time I decide to re-start my mind and reset my hard disk someone goes away displaying an error message. Yes beloved ones going away, new loves coming, and lucky true love still here....with me... Heartbuns, headaches, heartbreaks,tears for the dissapearead ones and smile, bliss, excitement about the ones are coming and for the ones I already have.
I find myself also diging in my soul but it is so harmful. And what I've founded was a lot of things that I can change, these thing doesn't depends on me so what can I do? Absolutely nothing. Positive things? I have a few "ear-people" and happy about it cause I don't want a lot but a few good ones.
Wishes... I wish I can stop crying, I wish to know you, I wish to receive all the answer to the questions I've made , I wish not to wait for you again when I so know nothing is going to change. "...We'll fast forward to a few months/years later and no one knows except the both of us and certanly I have honoured you and respect you, and you so fucking whash you hands cleans of this..." . Lets start to close circles...lets finish things. I so believe that if you don't finish a thing you will never be able to start with a new one. April 17th I've wrote "...I have open wounds, I have my own consistently-currently come and go without explanations, messing my life and breaking my heart everytime. And he revisited when he wants So sad, so frustrating so impossible to describe..." 6 months later still in the same situation? I think it's time to move my ass (and the whole world is going to feel it =) )
"...I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done I have depressed for you and contorted for you and I'm done I have stifled for you and I've compromised for you and I'm done I have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I'm DONEEEEEEEE!!! ,,," **

* Strawerry Fields by The Beattles
** Bent for you by Alanis Morissette

BuT I PeRsIsT aNd SpEaKs LoUdEr ThAT I kNoW...

Maturity is the skill to be able to control the anger or tackle the differences without violence, not even destruction; it means patience.
It is the freedom of rejecting a momentary pleasure for a lasting happiness.

Maturity is perseverance and skill of carrying out a project in spite of the obstacles or heartbreaker failures.
It is the aptitude to face the misfortunes, frustrations, troubles and defeats without lamentations or collapses.

Maturity is humility; has the value to recognize when it is been wrong, or if the reason is of our part not to experience the satisfaction of saying:"I warned you ".

Maturity is to take a decision and support it.

Immature people spend their lives exploring possibilities without any purpose and they finishing not making anything positive.

Maturity means to culminate with the given word. The persons who lack it are masters of the excuses, are those that live confused, that do not know how to be organized,their lives turn into long chain of broken promises,Unstable friendship , business without ending and just "good intentions" that never manage to materialize.

Maturity is the art of living in peace with situations that we cannot change or have the courage to change them when the circumstances demands it.

Maturity doesn't know about ages, race or places....

"...A lonely mother gazing out of her window
Staring at a son that she just can't touch
If at any time he's in a jam
She'll be by his side
But he doesn't realize he hurts her so much
But all the praying just ain't helping
At all 'cause he can't seem to keep
His self out of trouble
So he goes out and he makes his money
The best way he knows how
Another body laying cold in the gutter
*******LISTEN TO ME**********
Don't go chasing waterfalls
listen to the rivers and the lakes that
You're used to
I know that you're gonna have it your way
Or nothing at all
But I think you're moving too fast

Dreams are hopeless aspirations
In hopes of comin' true
Believe in yourself
The rest is up to me and you..." **

**Waterfalls performed by TLC

GiVe Up My HaRd EaRnEd StAtUs As FaBuLoUs FrEaK Of NaTuRe

Here comes the voice. It was quiet for a long time. I already lost myself and didn't want to know where but now I find myself in a crossroads. Ghosts from the past comes back to me trying to dig with its sharp fingers the soul of my life again. And no.... I was living descontaminated, comfortable in my own skin. I'd learn how to vanish into thin air, like smoke those unfortunately ghosts. Why are you coming back?
I know you want me isolated and unhappy but you are absolutely uninvited. I'd learn too after so many years that my eyes are in my face not in my neck anymore. So I have no doubts about my decision get outta of here cause I am not going to fight against you, no way, I wont waste my "marevellous and infinite mind power"doing it, I am just going to ignore your presence. I am going to use and abuse of my-self-call-mind- power to keep you away from me.
I usually wonder where the hell comes this forces to me now, at this particular time when I am alone with my heavy burden (my absolutely responsability), and I'd realized too that I'd met a lot of extrarodinary people who makes me think, and believe that I can, who are whit me even with "the material distance", who had always the right words to cheer me up, people that I feel I can trust more than the near ones. They push me into bliss, they think of me, they take care of me. Last sunday was my older son birthday and I forgot to remember my friends about it and my surprise when I'd opened my email and find a greeting card from my sweetheart PETER for Gianluca (Peter I will always love you) , my beloved JUHA from Finland also remembered God bless you . Such a little thing like find a card and after personalize it press send can make a world for someone and you both did it!
JIHNA, the parisien princess your words has been and are always like a cold and gentle breeze in a hot day, when I think of you comes to my mind GO CAREN, GO :P , EVA you are wondrously beautiful inside and out and we share more than our non violent smokers passion, GREG you are the kind of person I wish I had close to me to hold me and keep me safe from harm, LEO can not explain the immense pleasure I feel when I read you, so cultured , wise and respectful I see you like an unassailable fortress, you are amazing I've told you since the very first time we became "virtual friends" ; QUHYN I just can remain wide-eyed when I read you ... just can look you with a "look of worship" I wish I can give you a huge hug someday, I really do; DEAN I really appreciate your sense of humour, in fact I can't live without it, every morning reading you or ur "evil" side makes me happy..... And I can keep telling you about a lot of good and nice people who helps me to go through tough moments with no strings attached. No matter where you find them, be gratefull and let them know that you love them and how important are in you life... And of course I am here, there, everywhere for you :p

"...You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it (and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege And you owe me nothing in return ..."**

"…always looked good on paper …sounded good in theory…"

** YOU OWE ME NOTHING IN RETURN lyrics by Alanis Morissette

YoU aRe ThE fUnNiEsT mAn ThAt I'vE eVeR kNoWn... YoU aRe ThE kInDeSt SoUl WiTh WhOm I'vE cOnNeCtEd

I wish I could describe the beautiful person who ANDREW is. I wish I could
have him near to me to share our so-similar-way-to think/to be (most of the
time)Andrew is one of those people with whom you can speak about “almost”
everything.So-damn sensible that often I must repress my desire to tell him something
because I know that it is going to hurt him. He can not stand others pain (as me).
One of the most important things that we share is that we can not conceive
life without laughing. I think there is no way to keep serious with him, and we’
ve connected in our dry-sarcastic-obscure-ironic humour.
He is absolutely sweet.... Sometimes I wish I could kill him when he act
like a “silly boy” but when you love someone as I love him, I love him “as
everything” he is.
He is also an excellent painter, I wish I can show you all his paints but
Andrew is also a little bit paranoid (hehe sorry honey ) but on my favour let me
say that “..I dig everything of which you are ashamed ...and I am still here ...” I
can prove it with a simple thing,,, to know his real name took me a long
time!!!! And still don not know how to call him (*joke* just in case).
I wish Andrew give to me the opportunity to meet him better.... maybe we can
watch a football game so-lazy on the couch (huh never England vs. Italy) or just
allow me to be seated by his side seeing him painting...
And there are some messages that I want to sending out, like a telegraph to
your soul... Dear Andrew
* If you're lost you can look and you will find me always
* One of my dreams is someday go to a gallery to see your paints
* And the stars reach down and tell us that there’s always one escape

“...so here we both are battling similar demons (not coincidentally)
you see in getting beyond knowing it solely intellectually you're not
relinquishing your majesty ...
you are wise you are warm you are courageous you are big and I love you more
now than I ever have in my whole life ...” *

PS: Look at the picture. That is how I would like to see you in 30 years.
I Love You.

*THE COUCH lyrics by Alanis Morissette

I nEeDeD mOrE tImE, TiMe To SpEnT aLoNe WiTh No DiStRaCtIoN ...

Long time without spit it out all my inside-shit, it took my mind and soul until I felt more sick and tired than ever .... So I start to sing out load “...get out get outta here enough already ...get up get up get up off of it...WAKE UP...” and as always my so-tough-survival-instinct, my I—damn-don’t-know where the hell this forces come to rescue me, appears and the balance start to work.So sad reality sometimes in bliss always work.
I also decide to disconnect my orkut-dotnode-muliply-gmail-hotmail-yahoo-msn. I went to my self-made-coconut to find some peace and silence, to remember my beloved ones and think about them, to be in my so safe and comfortable place, plenty of solitude as always, but this time I need it.
I am also planning something that turns me into “bliss” state which are my children Birthday next month, October the 3rd GIANLUCA’S Geek-freak and October the 9th Princess VICTORIA. Being a kind soul and a beloved mom I am going to contribute and make richer Mr. Mc Donalds.
Watch their excited sweet faces makes me have a permanent smile, so we spent whole weekend there, writing the invitations, choosing the cakes (chocolate ones :p ), well sharing, deciding, choosing as a family we are, cause that is what we are. They don’t even ask for their father but I wish I could be for a second in their mind to know if they are suffering more than I can imagine and if I can do anything to calm their silent-pain cause I know they have it for sure.
All I can do is focus my love on them and be just a mom, maybe it’s time they feel the soul and physical absence of their father, maybe it is time to stop covering him and let them open their eyes even when I am being kind of contradictory. I don’t want them to suffer but I can’t hide them anything or lie to them. No fucking way. Anyway I am always will be “here” or “there” or “anywhere” they need me to be.
“...I recommend (you my children) biting off more than you can chew to anyone ...
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at anytime
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays) ...

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn ...” *

* YOU LEARN lyrics by Alanis Morissette

LiKe An AbAnDoNeD hOuSe DuStY-cOvErEd FuRnItUrE sTiLl InTaCt

I wish I could make disappear last weekend.I have exceeded the highest levels of stress and I am still alive, don't know how, I swear for the more valued thing that I am still overwhelmed for my so-survival power. I am not even capably of reporting with brightness and clarity the long succession of disagreeable facts that I had to bear with the sad company of my so-hated-loneliness.
I have submerged my mind in the deepest of my gateways of reality, my children, my music and of course the damned pills.
And again, and again, and bloody again"..how to keep smiling when you are thinking of killing yourself?..:" I know, I know that thinking that finishing with your existence can solve any problem sounds horrible and unfair for all those people that are dying and want to live, and stupid because there are no place so far to escape, your mind which is your "main problem" now, will be always with you. But feelings does not have explanation and they are stupid, uncompressible and unrestrained. Why we love, why we hate? Can you explain it? Not me.
Oh melancholy, silent company…Solitude, breath of rose say me who can stay with me. Melancholy comes to me advanced, comes so slow, comes with a slight dance of the space I yield, make myself faded and I fly like a bird, slow ship in the breeze, soft blue grief ...
You are killing me so slowly. What are you expecting from me? how long hurting me?
How deep must be the wound to satiate your voracious appetite and your untiring necessity to see me begging for a second of peace in my life? I don't want to hear anymore shouts. Why to shout when the other person is to your side? It is not possible to speak to him in low voice? Why outcries to a person when you are angered? When two people are angered, their hearts move away much. In order to cover that distance they must shout, to be able to be listened to. While more angered they are, stronger they will have to shout to be listened to one another one through that great distance.
When they discuss do not leave its hearts move away, they do not say words that distance more to them, will arrive a day in which the distance is so much that will not find plus the return way.
I promise to stop shouting, because against all odds as I wrote astitle I feel myself like an abandoned house dusty-covered,(but)Furniture(my heart) still Intact……

e PiAnGi e NoN Lo SaI QuAnT'aLtRo MaLe Ti FaRà La SoLitUdInE ...

Too many icy silences...too many time mind-blocked. Don't want to be anymore this darn "beast of burden" this heavy weight called solitude begins to stop my steps.
I feel surrounded by empty spaces, abandoned places, and soul absences.
I was waiting for you call, and my phone keeps ringing but when I answer it is not you at the other side of the line, and it is so frustrated...Thought I heard you talking softly but I was sadly mistaken.
If you want to have the sea.Contemplate it, and open your hands in its waters and the whole sea will be in them ... because if you close your hands to retain it,they will remain empty. If you want to have the wind, extends your arms and open your hands and all the wind will be yours ... because if you want to retain it you will remain without anything. Enjoy everything without possessing it ... without retaining it.
I feel myself confused, rejected, forgotten, and it's so hard trying to understand why... It is a horrible sensation of being different, but not unique, amazing and wonderful different NO!!!!!!!!!!.. A weird sensation like you are nothing or you don’t worth enough to make someone wants to be with you . Should I return for a while to my so-self-made& safe coconut or start with “somebody else”???

"...Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now
And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall ..." ** Are you???????????

PS: Here beside the fucking news of war and need,
mine is just a little sorrowed speech

** Wonderwall - Oasis

I'vE tRiEd RoAdBlOcKs AnD aLl My HaPpY eNdInGs PrEvEnTeD...

I like the sensation of freedom that I feel when I take from myself
the heavy cover of critiques, fear, fault, sin and shame resentment .
Then I can forgive and forgive the others. It makes us all free.
I give up turning and returning to the old problems. I refuse to
continue living in the past. I forgive to myself for have taken this
grief during so many time, for stop loving myself and don't learn how
to love the others. Every person is responsible for it behavior, and
what you give, life return it to you.
So this way I do not need to punish anybody, we all are submitted
to the laws of our own conscience, me too!! I continue with my work
of cleaning the negative parts of my mind and just allow to enter love
to my life.

"...Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest ?
Forgetting you or forgetting MYSELF...
Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter
I would’ve naturally loved the former

For ignoring you: my highest voices
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious
For being so disassociated from my body
and for not letting go when it would’ve been the kindest thing

To whom do I owe the biggest apology ?
No one’s been crueler than I’ve been to me

I’m sorry to myself
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I’m sorry to myself
For treating me worse than I would anybody else..."*

Love yoursef, take care of you, forgive yourself more often,
don't ignore your highest voices, don't forget about yourself,
trust yourself, be kind with you, find yourself and accept
who and how you are. With these first steps (tough ones I know)
you are going to be able to do the same thing with the others
and hopefully we could live in love&peace.
Love you all!

*Sorry to myself lyrics by Alanis Morissette

ThErE ArE mAnY tHiNgS tHaT I wOuLd LiKe To SaY tO yOu ButT I dOn'T kNoW hOw .

Wow it is incredible how difficult can be sometimes to tell things to other person. You want but you can’t figure how to do it, fear of rejection, shyness (oh I know you my troopers don’t believe that I am shy) or when you want to say it and you are decided to say it, you take courage, your words don’t come out, you get frozen. And damn we do not have too much time to say and do things, but where from take more courage to do it?
Educational barriers, distances, different cultures, so many gaps in here… It’s weird in the communication era can’t find the way. But maybe because I am old fashioned about it, don’t you prefer to hear an I love you face to face? I bet you do. So do I…
And to be honest I feel disillusioned when I cannot express my feelings openly, this mental blockade for any reason make me feel furious , I prefer to regret cause I said it.
Until the day I have you in front of me and I could say it out load, I will do it now, here and this simple way
I am worried about you
I miss you
I want to be with you
I want to demonstrate you how important you are for me
I am convinced that you are a gift
I want to caress you, kiss you, hold you.
I need to know that your affection is unconditional
I trust you
I am waiting for you call
I love you

“…Watch your thoughts because they turn into your words
Watch your words because they turn into your acts
Watch your acts because they turn into you habits
Watch your habits because they turn into you character
Watch your character because they turn in your destiny…” *

* Mahatma Ghandi