Thoughts of

There are billion of people in this planet yet you will hear poeple tell you that they are lonely... if we dont reach out, love can not find us.

Are you lonely even when you are surrounded by lots of people? Do you feel that way? I do.
I wish I could understand others (okay specially someone)... "if you walk in someone else’s shoes for a mile then you will understand why they behave the way they do"... but why do I have to understand always? I mean why people can’t be clear and speak out, out and load as I use to do?
Do we have to live always wondering-guessing what the other wants from us without getting any response? Ignorance is bliss? Damn so many question and not a single answer....
I find myself thinking of justice (and I don’t believe in justice) repeating once and again countless times "it is not fair, it is not fucking fair!!!!". Maybe because it’s not me who is deciding, maybe because I am accustomed to have the control and without control I have zero tolerance with myself, so I punish CaREN, she deserves some kind of punishment, she deserves to be alone because she still thinks you’re the piece that make her whole...
I can close my eyes, cover my ears. I can stay silent, motionless gazing at the space, looking with a vacant stare to the stars, the same once we stared together...yet I can’t throw you out off my soul....For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable, for not letting go when it would’ve been the kindest thing. Now that I set you free, paradoxically you stay... What do you want from me?
You still have the power to make me feel impotent and uncomfortable in my own skin. If you can’t-don’t want-won’t stay with me (literally) .... Please... set me free...

"...Guarir non e’ possibile
la malattia di vivere
sapessi com’e’ vera questa cosa qui
E se ti fa soffrire un po’ puniscila vivendola
e’ l’unica maniera sorprenderla cosi’...
You’ve got one chance, the gift to feel
love’s deepest pain you cannot heal
it shatters every memory that you
keep inside
I tell you this because I know
protect what’s dear, don’t trade your soul
’cause there’s nothing left around you
there’s no place left to go..." *

In the meantime I will punish life living it....

From my refugee
* Più che puoi - Eros Ramazzotti

This is the last time that I will show my face... one last tender lie and then I'm out of this place !!!!

Chaos and confusion in my head...How can I feel happiness and pride instead of hearing "the warning voices" that advice me to not believe and ask me again and again how can you go on with such conviction? In spite of the old "ghosts" who insists and persists figthing without any chances *I swear* against me, not this time.
I've been running, and travelling and singing and being loved and pleased... I've been planning and constructing instead of destructing as I use to do. Experiencing, admiring infinite landscapes in Italy last month, tasting, touching, listening to the words that always I have wanted to listen (in Italian of course) spending money and making everything you can imagine (less sex as usual) but mainly loving compulsively and frenetically...
In one hand I am very disappointed with myself to be so trusted, my fault... I can't imagine myself lying, hiding, changing myself to please others, I find it really stupid and childish, as the song says "I am what I am, I am my own special creation" very proud of it and if you don't like it be my guest and get oughta here! Why people think they have to fix into the so-called perfect fucking social stereotype to be accepted? I use to say that I am un-polite, non-polite, anti-politeness. I use to laugh because others perception of me, the best thing is I don't give a shit about it, thank God!!! What is the problem? the colour of your skin? your religion? your weight? your height?...I can't imagine how someone has to be so ashamed of itself to lie ...terribly sad..
At the other hand I am very proud of showing myself as I am,to being honest, doesn't matter if I've been fucked hundred times. I've updated in some of the two hundred social network I belong my "describe yourself" which is sort of ridiculous yet I try to do it, basically explaining what I like and dislike in that stage of my life considering that the bases are always the same. I deeply dislike arguing, yelling, annoying people, Latin music or music in Spanish language **funny anecdote in Italy about, it my cousins asking me to translate them a horrible song, with such a deep lyrics "Me gusta la gasolina, quiero más gasolina, me encanta la gasolina" called perreo or something like this, and they were amazed by the song so you can laugh out load imagine me singing
"Mi piace la benzina, voglio di più benzina, quanto mi piace la benzina"**, drugs legal and illegal ones (I've consumed for more than 13 years the legal ones), smokers (I am a truly violent non-smoker) sex-obsessed the kind of people who see sex everywhere in everything, they just can talk about sex and they want to have sex the whole day (as if they could...) they should masturbate their minds, I mean sex is great and good but as everything being extremist is a bad sign. Well well what can I say or stop saying about fanatic religious people, they have made me feel the closest feeling to hatred..very bad sign too...
I am quite extroverted but if you know me better you'll realise I am rather contemplative.I spend a lot of time trying to be helpful without knowing quite how, and it hurts me a lot.

"I am what I am
I don't want praise I don't want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it's noise I think it's pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not see things from a different angle
Your life is a shame
Till you can shout out I am what I am " *

Next month I will be in Canada visiting a hum erm " friend?" Peter, by the way tomorrow is his birthday so Happy Birthday Sweetheart! So many reasons to return every year to Canada, I think we have a love & hate relationship ... lack of relationship starts to notice :-). Anyway I am excited and happy about it even when I have a huge panic to flight it is the only way I have to go there, I won't swim Atlantic Ocean, so deep breath some pills and a few whiskys ...huh apology of crime !!!

TRUST "It takes years to build trust, and a few seconds to destroy it"

From my shelter
* I am what I am performed by Gloria Gaynor

ThEy WhOsE hEaRt iS fIrM aNd WhOsE cOnScIeNcE aPprOvEs ThEiR cOnDuCt WiLl PuRsUe ThEiR pRiNcIpLeS uNtO dEaTh....

Have you realized how people use in such obnoxiously and in so easy way, rather extremely obscene so important words like "I am sorry", "Forgive me", "Love", "Hate"... I mean those people ...where do they think they can go with so awful and disrespectful behavior?
I can spit on you, slap your face, annoy you and fuck you again and again and with a simple no meaning "I am sorry" get out of the situation with a ridiculous pretense of I've already repaired it... NO FUCKING WAY!!!
When we born we go into a kind of train, in it we find some people we think they are going to be with us forever in
this special trip: our parents. Regrettably, the truth is absolutely different.
They are going to get down in some station leaving us orphans of their affection and their irreplaceable company.
Nevertheless, other persons who will be very special, our brothers, friends and "those wonderful loves" are going to join
us. For some of them it will be a simple trip. Some will just find sadness. Lot of them when gone down are going to leave
an endless nostalgia. Some are going to pass unnoticed,We do not even realize that they have vacated their seat.
The trip is plenty of challenges, dreams, fantasies, waits and good-bye ...but never of returns...
The big mystery,finally, it's that we will never know in which station we will go down, less in which one are going
to go down our trip partners,not even the one that is sat in the side seat of us...
I remain thinking if when I goes down the train I will feel nostalgia... and yes for sure I will...
To separate of some friends with whom I did the trip will be painful. To allow that my children follows alone their way will be the most difficult thing. But I keep the hope that in some moment I will arrive to the main station and will live the great emotion of seeing them to come with a baggage that they did not have when we embark, and what will make me happier will be to think that I collaborated to make grow this baggage and make it more valuable.
Let's be honest, kind, let's collaborate to make others trip easier, say "I am sorry" when you really feel like you
have to say it, say every day I love you to someone, caress, hug and kiss every day someone, let other people knows
how much they mean for you, be nice, be human, dance, laugh, jump, play... and please don't hate, it's too big a burden to bear!

I LOVE YOU

D-dAyS aNd StRuCtUrE...rEsPoNsIbIlItY...CoMpUlSiVe YeaArNiNgS nOn-StoP tO pLeAsE oThErS...

Can't remember how many time has passed since I don't break the so-politically-correct-society-rules.
Living in this structured life and being as usual "the beast of burden" start to make me feel more than upset and outrageous, it's simply driving me crazy (more and more every day) is now when people should be grateful to be far far away from me.
Complaining-woman is back. I need to spit out so many things....Let's go, speak to me, tell me everything what is happening to you now, because when your soul is alone weeps...you should take everything out as the spring does... nobody wants things dying deep inside, speak to others looking at the eyes, take out things and thoughts in order that inside can born new things,that's what I want, that's what I need.. new things.
So now when you think you are "nearly" to know what you want how to get it? huh tough to answer.
We used to think too many d-days, too much responsibility can kill us but noooo, it's a kind of life sweet revenge, a fucking-slowly sufferance. But what can we do? Absolutely nothing or use this scape-via to complain about things that then when you see real world sufferance sounds so ridiculous, even when is not, because our problems are our world..our darn life...
But I have my right to complain, I can't stand structures, I wont go through d-day "daily", I wont carry with all responsibility (just mine, my weight...metaphorically speaking of course) so get outgha here with your stupid things, I wont compulsively yearning everyday just to please you. I notice everyday that I wont be anymore an ear-person to every asshole who wants to come and make my brain explode with stupidity, non-sense situations, words that actually I just can't understand.
Having lunch with a colleague I've said that I feel myself in other dimension, I feel like I've lived 70 years, I had since today a full and inmense and in both ways horrible and beautiful life(most beautiful to be honest). But I can say out load that I had lived intensely every moment of my life.
I feel also like an hibernating bear with my stand-by life, walking in circles, closing bridges to avoid anyone approach me and also shocked for allow me being for the first time in my life selfish. I promise "...to be harm-free and distress-less (trust me)...) but I need you...
Are you out there for me? I also promise to give you my hand, grab your and pull to have you close as possible to me,to be able to hear you breath and let you hear my heartbeats, smiling as always...

"...How to keep people at arm's length and never get too close
How to mistrust the ones you supposedly love the most
How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone
How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone..." *

* 8 easy steps lyrics by Alanis Morissette

AnD I SaLuTe "ME" FoR "MY" CoUrAgE...AnD I ApPlAuD "MY" pErSeVeRaNcE ...AnD I EmBrAcE "ME" FoR "MY" FaItH iN tHe FaCe Of AdVeRsArIaL fOrCeS tHaT I RePrEsEnT...

Think.
Use wisely your intelligence.
Look what is not simple to sight.
Insist on discovering the mysteries.
Analyze in order that you can undertand things.
Synthesize to undertand.
The body takes the nutrients and rejects the rest.
Do the same with your mind.

Think.
Use this so-powerful resource.
Filter in order that you do not have to swallow stones.
Distinguishe the essential things of the trivial things.
The valuable things of the useless things.
The transitory things of the eternal things.
The transcendentals things of the mundane things.
**Do not fill your head with garbage**.

Think.
Don't allow random control your destiny.
The most valuable works do not owe to the luck.
They come from intelligence, conscience and work.
When you use your discernment, leave space for the intuition.
The reflection is the counterweight of the emotions.
The manacle that regulates the intense flow.
The base of the calculation and of the prudence.
A condition for the coexistence and existence.
A vivacious example of the human evolution.
Our opportunity on the beasts.
Reflect.
Act.
Move.
Think!!!!!!!

"...I’ll face it with a grin
I’m never giving in
On - with the show -
I’ll top the bill, I’ll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the -
On with the show -
The show must go on..." *

This post is dedicated to myself

*The show must go on - Queen

BuT I PeRsIsT aNd SpEaKs LoUdEr ThAT I kNoW...

Maturity is the skill to be able to control the anger or tackle the differences without violence, not even destruction; it means patience.
It is the freedom of rejecting a momentary pleasure for a lasting happiness.

Maturity is perseverance and skill of carrying out a project in spite of the obstacles or heartbreaker failures.
It is the aptitude to face the misfortunes, frustrations, troubles and defeats without lamentations or collapses.

Maturity is humility; has the value to recognize when it is been wrong, or if the reason is of our part not to experience the satisfaction of saying:"I warned you ".

Maturity is to take a decision and support it.

Immature people spend their lives exploring possibilities without any purpose and they finishing not making anything positive.

Maturity means to culminate with the given word. The persons who lack it are masters of the excuses, are those that live confused, that do not know how to be organized,their lives turn into long chain of broken promises,Unstable friendship , business without ending and just "good intentions" that never manage to materialize.

Maturity is the art of living in peace with situations that we cannot change or have the courage to change them when the circumstances demands it.

Maturity doesn't know about ages, race or places....

"...A lonely mother gazing out of her window
Staring at a son that she just can't touch
If at any time he's in a jam
She'll be by his side
But he doesn't realize he hurts her so much
But all the praying just ain't helping
At all 'cause he can't seem to keep
His self out of trouble
So he goes out and he makes his money
The best way he knows how
Another body laying cold in the gutter
*******LISTEN TO ME**********
Don't go chasing waterfalls
listen to the rivers and the lakes that
You're used to
I know that you're gonna have it your way
Or nothing at all
But I think you're moving too fast

Dreams are hopeless aspirations
In hopes of comin' true
Believe in yourself
The rest is up to me and you..." **

**Waterfalls performed by TLC

I'vE tRiEd RoAdBlOcKs AnD aLl My HaPpY eNdInGs PrEvEnTeD...

I like the sensation of freedom that I feel when I take from myself
the heavy cover of critiques, fear, fault, sin and shame resentment .
Then I can forgive and forgive the others. It makes us all free.
I give up turning and returning to the old problems. I refuse to
continue living in the past. I forgive to myself for have taken this
grief during so many time, for stop loving myself and don't learn how
to love the others. Every person is responsible for it behavior, and
what you give, life return it to you.
So this way I do not need to punish anybody, we all are submitted
to the laws of our own conscience, me too!! I continue with my work
of cleaning the negative parts of my mind and just allow to enter love
to my life.

"...Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest ?
Forgetting you or forgetting MYSELF...
Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter
I would’ve naturally loved the former

For ignoring you: my highest voices
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious
For being so disassociated from my body
and for not letting go when it would’ve been the kindest thing

To whom do I owe the biggest apology ?
No one’s been crueler than I’ve been to me

I’m sorry to myself
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I’m sorry to myself
For treating me worse than I would anybody else..."*

Love yoursef, take care of you, forgive yourself more often,
don't ignore your highest voices, don't forget about yourself,
trust yourself, be kind with you, find yourself and accept
who and how you are. With these first steps (tough ones I know)
you are going to be able to do the same thing with the others
and hopefully we could live in love&peace.
Love you all!

*Sorry to myself lyrics by Alanis Morissette

So DoN't Be AfRaId To LeT tHeM sHoW yOuR tRuE cOlOrS aRe BeAuTiFuL lIkE a RaInBoW...

After some time you will learn the difference between giving the hand and
help a soul, and will learn that to love means to rest, and that company not
always means safety.
You will begin to learn that the kisses aren’t contracts, nor gifts, nor
promises. You will begin to accept your faults with the head up looking to
the front, with the grace of a child and not with the sadness of an adult
and will learn to construct today all your ways, because the area of
tomorrow is uncertain for the projects and the future has the habit of
falling down in the emptiness.
After a time you will learn that the sun is too hot if you expose yourself
too much. You will accept even that the good persons might hurt you
sometimes and will need to forgive them. You will learn that to speak can
relieve the pains of the soul. You will discover that you need years to
construct confidence and only a few seconds to destroy it.
You will learn that the new friendship continues growing in spite of the
distance, and that does not matter that it is what you have, but for whom
you have in the life, and that the good friends are the family that we allow
ourselves to choose. You will learn that we do not have to change friends,
if we are ready to accept that the friends change. You will realize that you
can spend good moments with your better friend doing anything or nothing,
only for the pleasure of enjoying his company.
You will discover that often you take carelessly the persons who more matter
for you and because of it always we must say to these persons that we love
them, because we never be sure of when it will be the last time that we see
them. You will learn that the circumstances and the environment that
surrounds us has the influence on us, but we are the only ones responsible
for what we do.
You will learn that patience needs practice. You will learn that when you
feel anger, you have right to have it, but it does not give you right to be
cruel. You will discover alone because someone does not love you the same
way that you want, it does not mean that does not love you with everything
she or he can, because there are persons who love us, but they cannot
demonstrate it like we do. Not always is a enough being excused by someone,
often you will have to learn to excuse you itself to you.
You will learn that with the same severity with which you judge, also you
will be judged and in some moment condemned. You will learn that does not
matter if your heart split in a million pieces, the world does not stop in
order that you arrange it. You will learn that the time is not anything that
could turn back , therefore, you must cultivate your own garden and decorate
your soul, instead of hoping that someone brings you flowers.
Love yourself, spread love, say I love you more often...Love!!!!!!!!!!

“…Love is sometimes denied, sometimes lost,
sometimes unrecognized, but in the end,
always found with no regrets, forever valued
and kept treasured….”

I tHoUgHt ThAt I hEaRd YoU lAuGhInG I tHiNk I tHoUgHt I sAw YoU tRy .

I wonder why some “people” think can come and go into your life with an overbearing attitude, treating you like a “toy” to cover the hollows of their loneliness and bored lives. It is black or white…it is simple or complex…it is yes or no…give your “maybes” to another one, I don’t want them.
But the worse part of this situations is to recognize that you had been warned about it, someone you should trust warn you and you just follow the play of a man who keep twisting the lies, a man who calls him a “boy” so sad.
For the first time in six month blogging I had deleted a post, why? Because when I wrote it I feel it and mean it but now, today has no sense… To rectify belongs to wise persons, and I consider myself more than wise, and never it’s too late. It is not necessarily to be too wise anyway…. It requires wisdom to understand wisdom : the music is NOTHING if the audience is deaf !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is the impotence of knowing that you have given everything with no strings attached to someone you consider special for any reason , doesn’t matter, and he just laugh of you in your own face. It is so ironic because you are the one who put this person on a pedestal and made him know how important is in your life, how much you love him and share everything with him, and also because you keep silence when you should talk but again if the audience is deaf you can scream but nothing is going to happen nothing is going to change.
I have lot of love to give, to spread all around the world but I am not going to waste time with people who does not appreciate what I give to them or what I am.

“…Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say-
Pride will tear us both apart.
Well now pride's gone out the window, cross the rooftops, runaway.
Left me in the vacuum of my heart.
What is happening to me?
Crazy some say.
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away.
Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed,
Feared today; forgot tomorrow.
Here beside the news of holy war and holy need,
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk-
Blown away.
But I won't cry for yesterday.
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find.
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive.
Just blowing away….” **

** Ordinary World by Duran Duran

PlEaSe Be hOnEsT CaRiNa ArE yOu HaPpY..PlEaSe DoN't CeNsOr YoUr TeArS

Don't know how to express my feelings, my rage. I had a rule in my life which is "things are white or black" please don't give me gray, gray do not exists, it is just mixed of black and white and there are a lot of grays but just one white or one black.
Anyway I am amazed about how extremely-conservative or absolutely-liberal I am in my life situations. Now I am writing and if I look around what is this??? Geee I have 3 swimming pools in front of me plenty of strangers enjoying their holidays. These are my children holidays too. I am watching them laughing and playing in the pool, well that's the only thing I can and "must" do... take care of them. Sound like I am not enjoying? Sound absolutely right!!!!!
I choose a hotel where kids attraction are non-stop, you know what I am talking about ... 10.30 am kids aquagym, 12.30 kids basketball, a clown around the pool the whole day giving them candies. All day long kids activities which means that I have to check the schedule and like Disney Park and run fast to the next one (if you are a parent you know what I mean) And every night they have a MINI DISCO and they spent an hour before the night show , dancing, singing and playing games with music. Now is the time when you are wondering or want to ask me if this is a complain. NOT at all and absolutely YES.
Why NO?
Because it was my choice, because they deserve it and because seing thier smiles and joy is the biggest emotion and prize i can have in my life.
Why YES?
Because when two "adult"people decide to bring life to this world they assume the biggest and most important responsability untill they die. And today I am here in this wonderful "FAMILY" hotel alone with my children trying to duplicate my physical presence. If I close my eyes I just can hear kids voices saying "DAD" in different languages.
Do you want a real sad anecdote? Well last night at MINI DISCO my children were dancing and making with the other kids a long train so the entertainers asked "moms and dads stand up join your hands and make a tunnel" so they can pass for it. And I .... I.... I didn't know if to remain sitted or to stand, extend my arms and pretend to have "the" another person at the other side..so I just could remain sitted clapping my hands and trying from my deepest inside not to cry....

"...What's the matter Mary Jane, you had a hard day
As you place the don't disturb sign on the door
You lost your place in line again, what a pity
You never seem to want to dance anymore
So take this moment Mary Jane AND BE SELFISH
Worry not about the cars that go by
All that matters Mary Jane is your freedom
Keep warm my dear, keep dry..."**

**Mary Jane Lyrics by Alanis Morissette

WaKe Me Up InSiDe .CaLl My NaMe AnD sAvE mE fRoM tHe DaRk!!!!

Am I too “explicit” explaining my sadness? Why people get so scared when they read how I describe my so-deep sensibility-vulnerability in such an open way? It is all about my weekend status “… How to keep smiling when you are thinking of killing yourself…” It is an expression and not mine by the way…. If I want to kill myself which is NOT THE CASE, no way, absolutely NO, I do not need to write it. I have been blessed with intelligence and this allows me to be able to read between-the-lines…. The “expression” described my so-damn-sad-mood because I get hurt, because a lost in my life. Anyone can be in a happy-jumpy-mood with a lost?? Mmm **blush** **blush** well I was it when I get divorced heheheeh!!!!!!!
Do you think is nice to read Oh how happy I am, I am so beautiful, I am so-blonde with blue lighted eyes and my name is Barbie??????? If you think so you should stop reading me!!!! And I can write that I am in bliss (when I feel myself in bliss) I can tell you that I am absolutely happy cause my children are healthy and my friend Marta is insanely in love and a lot of things, but when I feel like a SHIT I just express how I feel.
Comes to my mind a beautiful song “ ….There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall, there's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall, there's a blue whale beached by a springtide's ebb, there's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web, That's my soul up there…”* Do you think having your soul up there supporting and suffering these injustices is being dark or realistic?. That is the way I conceive my life with my soul out there where the injustice is.
I know you are going to laugh on me right now ( and I love it ) but when the so-called-intellectual people say because sounds so-cultured they watch the “Discovery Channel” or TV shows: documentaries They just makes me sick. How damn you can watch kids dying, animals eating person or another animals?
What about the rapist (child rapist GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR) , hunters, killers, people dying because the angry, the lapidation (which is to bury a woman or a man to their waist ) and kill them with little pieces of stones so they can suffer much as possible before they die “cause sharia’s law and his judges decide it, most of the times cause you have a child without being married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG. And I can write a book about these damn things!
I wasn’t made for this life, I can’t bear with this fucking mess called life!

PS: Rescue me …save me from the dark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*King of Pain lyrics by Sting& The Police

ThE oNlyY wAy OuT iS ThRoUgH... ThE oNlY wAy We'Ll FeEl BeTtEr ....

Story:
I met Raul in a seminary, three years later of being released of a kidnapping. His kidnappers had him locked up it in a closet during six months moored with chains. He spoke to me with a total enthusiasm full of illusions and affection, he seemed happy in spite of having supported a so painful and destructive experience.
- Don't you feel rage or resentment against your kidnappers? - I asked to him openly -.
He watched to me, and rubbed his face with his hands and became gloomy for a moment.
-I Just left, - responded with firmness -, it was not easy.
My desperation and my resentments were my worse torture, but one day I decided no longer to load these chains.
- What are you talking about? - I said intrigued -.
- I was kidnapped with another person, - he said -,we both were released at the same time. Later I found him , with rage and bitter ,he only spoke about his past, the irreversible damage that they had caused to him, the cruel which they had been, and the happiness he would experience the "justice"day became.
He kept silence for a moment, as if he was reviewed his own reflections.
- You know? - after a pause he continued - seeing this person I realized that it was the same that they had released him , that his body was free, because he had decided to continue kidnapped in his mind, in his pain, in his past. He preferred to think in his kidnappers but enjoy his family, nor of the possibility of constructing the present nor the future .
- But, How can be forgotten something so hard? - I followed interrogating him -.
- My kidnappers took of my freedom to me, but I do not going to allow that they took my peace , if I continue feeding this resentment, I will be giving my life to them, is like I chose to take them with me at every moment, for the rest of my life. Nor my beloved ones or me deserve that, **the true revenge will be my happiness**, to leave them back and enjoy every moment of my life.
He made a pause and he watched forwards with a happy expression.
- True chains - he concluded - we have them in our mind when we decided to continue become attached to pain, to the resentment or the past.
This is worse than a dark closet, - he said with emphasis and he continued
-I prefer that my people remember me like somebody who knew to gather the joy of the life and not like somebody that remained feeding the rage and autocompasion.
Which are the chains that we could to begin to loosen now? Which are the past or present events that we can let feed with rage or pain?

At every moment we can decide to aggravate our wound or to begin to heal it for the rest of our lives...

My UrGeNcY tO dReAm Of SoFtEr PlAcEs FeElS uNdErStAndDaBlE

I would love to learn stop-complaining for everything or stop-sounding as if my life was only a black-deep-awful-hole which is not (well sometimes ......)
To be honest I think is can not be able to leave my ass in the same place more than ...2 days??? I always need to keep moving, but in every single way. I can not live in the same country to many years, I can not stop travelling (every month I have to fly to other country). I do not want to work in the same place anymore but I wont quit neither , I do not want to pretend I am so-damn-fine or I am so-damn-bad, I want to stop sabotaging my bliss.
But I am pretty sure I don not want to be a bored-quiet-ass. This is also the reason what I always lived in cosmopolitan cities, I have to have all kind of things to do whatever I need to do what and when I want to do it. Which means l need my computer and my credit card near to me to buy a plane ticket to go to some **am** concert in some place in the earth. As I read myself I think damn I need with urgency a desert island!!!!!! I bet you are thinking the same thing.....
This sort of insane way to live can be absolutely dangerous but I can not say I do not live. Maybe the wrong thing is that I am loosing the present being so fast. I mean I live all what I want to live, I do all what I want to do but I guess I can enjoy it after doing it. And does not sound good. Should I feel or enjoy bliss after living it????? MmmMMmm desert island again!!!!
Anyway my dears I know my life is a real mess but who wants to be perfect and live a perfect life? Not me for sure. I love others reaction when they see me online on msn or yahoo and tell them I am packing to go to some place, or the eye expression when they ask me “were you sick last monday, I did not see you at work” and I answer “no way, last monday I was in Paris...”
Last months I met some people who use to live like I do, today here, tomorrow who knows (we does not know and do not want to know it).
My life flows like waterfalls, can someone stop a high and strong waterfall????
Don’t you dare to try it....WAIT A SEC !!!!!!!! Well maybe if you come with me to Seychelles Island I can make a big effort and try to get some relaxed time, but just to come back to my so-damn-weird-fucking-absolutely-amazing&wonderful life.

“...I wanna be big and let go this grudge that's grown old, All this time I've not known How to rest this bygone I wanna be soft and resolved clean state and released...” *

note: feel free to join me to the Island, just give me a call XDDDD

*This Grudge lyrics by Alanis Morissette

I bEcAmE iNsAnE wItT lOnG iNtErVaLs Of HoRrIbLe SaNitY

I would like to know why some people consider such a bad thing that being healthily insane. I am proud of being insane. In my humble opinion I get really scare with the ones who “are” or “pretend” to be healthy (mentally speaking of course).
These last days I am a little tired to read people judging me and what I write and I consider the possibility to stop doing it. If you want to say something say it there or HERE …that is the reason LEAVE A COMMENT exists!!!!! Someone get mad on me, someone want to know everything (more than they can read between the lines) you will be shocked to know how people investigates private things that I DON’T WANT TO POST OR SAY. Other takes my words literally which is absolutely wrong…..
But as I wrote it on my first post this is a kind of relief, to write for me anything that comes to my head at the moment helps me to feel comfortable with myself. Being an openly “writer” blogger it is a good thing for me.. So I wont stop it.
Let me post this beautiful story that I like a lot: “I walked with my father when he stopped in a curve and after a small silence he asked me: Do you "hear something more than singing of the birds? " I made worse later my hearings and some seconds after I responded him: "Yes, it is the noise of a cart." "That is" - my father said - it is "an empty" cart. I asked to my father: "How do you know that it is an empty cart, if we don't still see it? " Then my father responded: It is "very easy to know when a cart is empty, by reason of the noise. The more empty it is, bigger is the noise."
I became adult and until today when I see a person speaking too much, interrupting the conversation of all, being inopportune or violent, showing off of what has, feeling superior and minimizing people, or to those that cannot be without the stimulus of a television or of speakers that impede all dialogue type, I have the impression of hearing my father's voice saying: "The more empty the cart, bigger is the noise "
And at the same time, how happy the feel the heart when we see pass a replete cart of beautiful load. Silent….. Full….. “

That is what I want ,open my heart to all of you and being replete of beautiful loads, and transmit and send it you through my words.
Love.
CaREN
xxxxx

DoN’t YoU dArE tO JuDgMe SyMpLy By mY wOrdS

I wonder why people think can judge you without knowing you. Yesterday someone told me “I can’t understand people like you that….” What the hell? I don’t want you to understand me. Am I asking you???
Someone people think can judge or give you advises. Nobody has the right to judge. Yesterday also someone asked me “it is your life so bad???” And I say YES!!! It is for me.. Of course my life for a woman who is watching her son die it is a bed of roses. Of course and I agree. But for me, my life right now is a shit. Oh and the advises people!!! They are simply amazing…. They can’t handle their penis to pee but they want to teach you how to do things good in life!!! Please!!!!
We have highs and lows and also stand by state. Stand by state for me is the worse. You just move yourself left to right and reverse (right to left just in case Forrest Gump is reading my blog!!!) but you do not go high or low. You are in mid air. You are in and going to nowhere. You are Stocked.
Being high is so ephemeral that maybe you can’t realize you was there. But the high moments in your life are unforgettable. A kiss, a hug, your son’s smile, an extended hand, the bright sun, the fresh air, a phone call or an e-mail from this special person you are waiting for, a birth, a grateful word, single and simple beautiful moments. They worth for a million low moments.
Being low is also necessary in life. You learn a lot when you are low. Lowest you are, more you learn . And I think is also a balance that out brain needs (of course not medically talking!!!) Is just because there are a lot of people who needs to learn to read between lines…
But the question here is how low state you mind can handle? I am low, underground, under everything. I am bended on my knee waiting for something that helps me to stand up. People use to say that you have to touch ground level to start to go up, that’s more than logical, you have to touch down first.
I wonder WHERE IS MY GROUND LEVEL??? I am looking down and I just can see emptiness, a big black hollow ..no light, no end there. I can’t see it. So I am afraid I have to keep on falling ……(geee I sound so f*cking Alicia Keys XDD ). You see how in the middle of nowhere you can smile! That’s what I love from me, my powerful capacity of laugh on myself. I think I already say it. I laugh on myself every single day of my life, even when I am crying.
Last night I fall sleep crying. Tonight I am going to cry more than yesterday…Need to see the end, since I see it I will survive ( oh my now Gloria Gaynor!!! Worse than ever!!!) with my ephemeral high moments.

PS: If you want to say something… say it here.

InTerNaCiOnAl InDeCenT PrOpOuSaLs

This last weekend I received a lot of “international indecent proposals” that I want to share, cause I am a sort of flattered, shocked, overwhelmed, and they are pretty funny. When you spend a lot of hours on Internet and you put a suggestive picture of your lips this things can happens. Not necessarily because a lot of people understand what you try to transmit, or when they talk to you they understand you are not searching for.. looking for…desperate for SEX.
Words are so easily to misunderstand. And connecting this post with the masturbation one it is easy also to see that we women are not allowed to play with words. Our words are going to be literally understand. We can’t just tease or talk dirty cause for sure we are looking for sex. It is a law.
These are some of the histories:
“A.” a married man from Egypt : I love you Caren… If you say yes I’ll sin. Put your cam on, I am horny …….
“A.” from Bangladesh : “Hi. I have always wanted to tell you this, but have never had the courage. Dear Carina, I want to fuck you. I always have. Please contact me so that we can fix a date, time and place. A... “ textual message.
“R.” , Chinese living in Spain: invite me to masturbate us by cam, in a few words… to have Cybersex.
“W.” from Canada: basically bondage, he wants sex which is ok to me but he wants the control which is not ok to me.
“M.” from Spain invites me to play, group sex….etc…
“D” from Spain sharing some spicy pictures but pretty artistic to me.
“M” from Spain ask me to pay him ……. And counting……….
And I can keep relating a lot of anecdotes some weird, some freak, some nice, and some sweet ones.
But the real one Indecent international proposal (just for the record the name begins also with “A” ) doesn’t come. That’s life. And life most of the time sucks….

YES THIS IS MY MOUTH, ARE MY LIPS AND MY TONGUE!!!!!!!!!!

AnD aLL i ReAlLy WaNt Is SoMe PATIENCE....

OuTrAgEoUs
I think I never mention I am a lawyer. At the age of 12 years old I decide I wanted to be a lawyer. I never have a doubt about it. So I went to University and make my career in 4 years and a half with goods notes. But I have to say that I NEVER BELIEVE IN JUSTICE. I think is a good human invent (sometimes good...most bad). Good to have live in a sort of “civilization”. Do you think is justice to defend a child rapier? I don’t think so... NO WAY
But I want to say something about an incident who hurts me a lot. We all are watching everyday cruel images. But the fact of a “person” making another one dig his own future grave, and then shoot him on the neck screaming to whole world DO YOU WANT TO SEE HOW AN ITALIAN DIE??? Makes me sick. It’s not because I am Italian. It is not because one “occidental” life worth more than a “oriental” one.
It is because nobody have the right to decide if we can live or not. Nobody can have the power to decide others people life. N O B O D Y!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can’t believe how an “insane” group people in the name of “who knows” can kill . I am not going to say who is right or not, cause nobody can neither say what is right or wrong. And I don’t even mind .... I AM JUST SICK !!!!!!
Do you believe in justice...NOT ME.......

ThAt I wOuLd Be GoOd ...

that I would be good even if i did nothing
that I would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that i would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
that i would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if I was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing

that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i am overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy

that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good
whether with or without you

ThE ReaSoN .......

Today I want to talk about how happy I am (cause I never show this “part of me”) and how silly we are most of the time missing non essential things. We use to think we don’t have enough money, enough beauty, the last computer on market, etc...We spend a lot of our time thinking in what others have or do, and how much we want “their” things. Geeee lets think for a minute, things we think are “normal” really are?
Stop for a second, am I writing? Means I have hands (hahaha silly woman) yes, maybe more than silly but how many people can’t write cause don’t have a computer ,do not know to write or ever worse don’t have hands....
Most simple things we have in life are the most important ones. But why we have the tendency to ignore them....
I am blessed with a lot of things, don’t care if you think I am being arrogant, but I am a beautiful intelligent woman, a good mother, a good daughter, a good professional but most of all a nice human been result of a life surrendered by love.
So I offer you, don’t care who you are, don’t care where you are, all that I have which is my simply and complicated LOVE.
I have a lot to spare and share, that’s the reason WHAT AM I HERE !!!!!!!

“....Show me a smile, don't be unhappy can't remember when I last saw you laughing when this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear just call me up, cause you know I'll be there...”

Please if YOU ever read this, share YOUR love with me (You..you..you..Outgha know!!!!)

PS. Still waiting for a call....

FEAR of BLISS

All people who speaks with me after read some of my one-million profiles use to think or I am extremely depressive which I am not!!!! Most of my sentences comes from songs. Until I find this way to express my feelings I use the ones who describe them most similar way possible.
Also I find it like a perfect way to send “the” messages I am not able to send because of fear or “distance” . A message like “Its like you wouldn’t even notice when you really turn me on” or “Don’t you know I still need to know about you?”
Open your heart to people who doesn’t know you can be dangerous but you’ll regret about risks you never take. Open your heart to people that knows you is even worse!!!
When you give your heart you receive pain, ALWAYS.
When we love we must receive a “tip-book” a “survival-book” . Do not matters who we love, how much do we love , how long it will be, we always going to suffer, we will receive pain, a sort of punishments for the “nice moments and bliss we lived”. This last sentence is to let you know that I don’t think when you are inlove you feel just pain, NO!!!! One second of Bliss with your beloved one is like a billion bad moments... That’s the reason I am SO-FEAR of BLISS. Don’t you are too??????