So DoN't Be AfRaId To LeT tHeM sHoW yOuR tRuE cOlOrS aRe BeAuTiFuL lIkE a RaInBoW...

After some time you will learn the difference between giving the hand and
help a soul, and will learn that to love means to rest, and that company not
always means safety.
You will begin to learn that the kisses aren’t contracts, nor gifts, nor
promises. You will begin to accept your faults with the head up looking to
the front, with the grace of a child and not with the sadness of an adult
and will learn to construct today all your ways, because the area of
tomorrow is uncertain for the projects and the future has the habit of
falling down in the emptiness.
After a time you will learn that the sun is too hot if you expose yourself
too much. You will accept even that the good persons might hurt you
sometimes and will need to forgive them. You will learn that to speak can
relieve the pains of the soul. You will discover that you need years to
construct confidence and only a few seconds to destroy it.
You will learn that the new friendship continues growing in spite of the
distance, and that does not matter that it is what you have, but for whom
you have in the life, and that the good friends are the family that we allow
ourselves to choose. You will learn that we do not have to change friends,
if we are ready to accept that the friends change. You will realize that you
can spend good moments with your better friend doing anything or nothing,
only for the pleasure of enjoying his company.
You will discover that often you take carelessly the persons who more matter
for you and because of it always we must say to these persons that we love
them, because we never be sure of when it will be the last time that we see
them. You will learn that the circumstances and the environment that
surrounds us has the influence on us, but we are the only ones responsible
for what we do.
You will learn that patience needs practice. You will learn that when you
feel anger, you have right to have it, but it does not give you right to be
cruel. You will discover alone because someone does not love you the same
way that you want, it does not mean that does not love you with everything
she or he can, because there are persons who love us, but they cannot
demonstrate it like we do. Not always is a enough being excused by someone,
often you will have to learn to excuse you itself to you.
You will learn that with the same severity with which you judge, also you
will be judged and in some moment condemned. You will learn that does not
matter if your heart split in a million pieces, the world does not stop in
order that you arrange it. You will learn that the time is not anything that
could turn back , therefore, you must cultivate your own garden and decorate
your soul, instead of hoping that someone brings you flowers.
Love yourself, spread love, say I love you more often...Love!!!!!!!!!!

“…Love is sometimes denied, sometimes lost,
sometimes unrecognized, but in the end,
always found with no regrets, forever valued
and kept treasured….”

AnD sInG mE bAcK tO sLeEp ThIs Is FaR mOrE tHaN I hAd BaRgAiNeD fOr

I am happy, I am thrown and overblown with bliss. I am having such a special contact with people, here and there, physically and mentally, feeling soul presences in body absences. Meeting a lot of people from all around the world and keeping in touch with my beloved ones, spreading love anywhere I am and go.
I find myself comfortable in my own skin, loved, remembered…Every single message, mail, phone call or SMS I receive I feel it like pure “love”, it is time other people take from their lives, thinking of you and letting you know… the so-called “little details” that can make happy a stone (fff so exaggerated as always! ). When someone ask you about what you want in a woman/man doesn’t matter what kind of relationship you are going to have with, the typical answer is she/he has to be intelligent, funny and had details, kinda old fashioned huh? But we all love this things, let’s accept it, let’s say the truth, I make my own confession I just love little details. And wait a second I love more making them sometimes than received them. I declare myself unconditional with my “people”, faithful, trustful and always present (soul or body). You are going to turn around and find me to anything you need and I can give it to you, don’t have a single doubt you will got it from me.
My heart, my mind and soul are open to anyone and anything right now after a long time of living on “survival mode” after singing non-stop “…Don't disturb me in this state, Please leave me purgatorying, I'll be damned if I'm to wake, This is far more than I am equipped for…” *
I just ask the same thing I give, that’s the only way I conceive it:
- Reciprocity : a relation of mutual dependence or action or influence, mutual exchange
- Trust: Something committed into the care of another.
- Tender: Considerate and protective
- Care: To be concerned or interested
- Faith: Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person
- Share: To relate (a secret or experience, for example) to another or others.
- Love: A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.**

“…And even if my house falls down now
I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me
And I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
Oh, just to be with you
Is like having the best day of my life…” ***

Thanks to Federica, Marta B, Marta LL, Silvina, Viviana, Vince,Tito,Juha,Alessandro,Jaume, Antonio, David, Miquel, Melanie M , Nicole, Susan, Alex, Peter, Olivier, “orkut friends”, “multiply friends” and thank God for Gianluca and María Victoria. I love you all and I will always do it.

* Purgatorying Lyrics by Alanis Morissette
** Dictionary.com
*** Thank You by Dido

I tHoUgHt ThAt I hEaRd YoU lAuGhInG I tHiNk I tHoUgHt I sAw YoU tRy .

I wonder why some “people” think can come and go into your life with an overbearing attitude, treating you like a “toy” to cover the hollows of their loneliness and bored lives. It is black or white…it is simple or complex…it is yes or no…give your “maybes” to another one, I don’t want them.
But the worse part of this situations is to recognize that you had been warned about it, someone you should trust warn you and you just follow the play of a man who keep twisting the lies, a man who calls him a “boy” so sad.
For the first time in six month blogging I had deleted a post, why? Because when I wrote it I feel it and mean it but now, today has no sense… To rectify belongs to wise persons, and I consider myself more than wise, and never it’s too late. It is not necessarily to be too wise anyway…. It requires wisdom to understand wisdom : the music is NOTHING if the audience is deaf !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is the impotence of knowing that you have given everything with no strings attached to someone you consider special for any reason , doesn’t matter, and he just laugh of you in your own face. It is so ironic because you are the one who put this person on a pedestal and made him know how important is in your life, how much you love him and share everything with him, and also because you keep silence when you should talk but again if the audience is deaf you can scream but nothing is going to happen nothing is going to change.
I have lot of love to give, to spread all around the world but I am not going to waste time with people who does not appreciate what I give to them or what I am.

“…Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say-
Pride will tear us both apart.
Well now pride's gone out the window, cross the rooftops, runaway.
Left me in the vacuum of my heart.
What is happening to me?
Crazy some say.
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away.
Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed,
Feared today; forgot tomorrow.
Here beside the news of holy war and holy need,
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk-
Blown away.
But I won't cry for yesterday.
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find.
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive.
Just blowing away….” **

** Ordinary World by Duran Duran

I LoVe YoU mORe WiTh EvErY bReAtH tRuLy, MaDlY, dEePlY dO......

Car"IN"a "LOVE"

"...I figured it out I was high and low and everything in between
I was wicked and wild, baby, you know what I mean Till there was you, yeah, YOU"

Incredible and marvellous state of insanity an extreme sensibility. Sometimes I find myself so smiling, lost in the universe of love and suddenly I find myself crying like a baby because I need you here with me.
Last week I barely could sleep thinking how am I going to tell him how much I love him? and at the same time fighting against to the fear of your rejection... But almost a month ago someone special woke me up with a kiss (huh I feel like like a princess, and yes you always treat me like a princess, I feel FIONA !!!) and he made me understood that whichever possibility I would choose was going to hurt me... a deep wound takes more time to heal but it is just matter of time.
I have to find the way to tell you my feelings, stop being afraid and face the reality, I will take the risk and accept the consequences.
I spent a year and half trying to convince myself, repeating once and again I am not going to love again, so as you know my dear troopers, my beloved readears, I create a "safe" place (that's what I though at the moment, of course it wasn't a safe but a lonely, dark and sad place) , my self-made-coconut where I used to live since someone come and don't know how he broke it and free me. He must made it with love of course but I have lot of people who loves me and I love, and it was you my sweet Vince who makes the difference, who made me believe again that's why I will heart you forever....
Such a waste of time lying to myself, hiding my head like a turtle, running away to nowhere.....
Now I need the courage to look at your eyes and tell you how much grow my love for you, At first I see you as "another male friend", then my feeling took another direction, and I felt confused and try to walk away from you but I couldn't. Then I start to think of you in the middle of the day without a reason, wondering where were you (sadly we are phisically miles away), and at nigth the sweet sensation of falling asleep thinking of you, wishing you be at my side. Looking things which reminds me your existence and your soul presence in your body absence.... Now I am mading my love statement here but is not enough, I feel the necessity of you hearing my voice saying how much I LOVE YOU.

"The day we met I knew I needed you so
And if I had the chance I'd never let you go
So won't you say you love me I'll make you so proud of me
We'll make them turn their heads every place we go
So won't you please (be my, be my baby)
Be my little baby (my one and only baby)
Say you'll be my darling (be my, be my baby)
Be my baby now (my one and only baby)
I'll make you happy baby Just wait and see
For every kiss you give me I'll give you three
Oh since the day I saw you I have been waiting for you
You know I will adore you till eternity
So won't you please (be my, be my baby)
Be my little baby (my one and only baby)
Say you'll be my darling (be my, be my baby)
Be my baby now (my one and only baby) "**

PS: I can't help post this song, I was watching Dirty Dancing I though I saw it 20 times and soon as start and this song begins I just think of you.... ffff thank God I don't know what shame is ehehhehehe I LOVE YOU !!!!!!

** Be my baby Lyrics by Travis

AnD I rEsIsT yOuR lOvE ...No MaTtEr HoW LoW oR HiGh I gO.....

She is baldly in love with him and now she can admit it. Before she couldn't because she was scared. She wants to have his mind for her and his body so deep inside of her. She can't wait anymore to feel and show him how much she loves him. She coulnt't stop fantazise to have him....
She would wait him to play dressed as a nurse because she knows he would love it, and soon as he open the door she would pretend she is a real nurse and ask him which part hurts.... to heal it. Then he would grab her from her shoulders make her put on her knees and pulling from her hair say out loud "here" pointing between his legs. Now he is the one with the power so she in a submissive role, being stripped of part of her dress and hearing how he order her to suck him , on her knees she put a little down his pants and start to suck... changing the rythm, putting all inside of her mouth and then just rolling her tongue around his penis... she also for the position rub it all over her breast as she look at him with an innocent look....She loves to watch his face enjoying......
Suddenly he stops her and ask her to sit in the border of the bed and push her to put her back down , then he tied her and put a black material which makes impossible to see anything. After doing it he open her legs and start to eat her pussy. She was paralized and can't see anything but was enjoying the way he was pleasuring her, but she wants to move and she can't , she wants to watch him fingering her, she only can hear naughty noises and her pleasure moans.
Now she is in charge, untied, no blindfold, she push him on the bed because she wanted to be penetrated, after play a few minutes playing with their tongues, she put it on him and with a sudden movement she had him all inside her, so she starts to go up and down, first low but always looking at his eyes, then faster, then again slow while he was rubbing her huge breast that he loves and can't help pulling her to him and start to give little bites to her nipples. So they change position, he put his body over her and putting up her legs penetrate her again deep as he could do it, with such a hard and fast movements that they can't avoid start screaming.
But wasn't enough..she wants to play doggie style, so she put on four and ask him to penetrate her alternating front and back, at the same time she was resting her head on the bed so she can touh her clit while she was being penetrated and slapped.
For any strange reason they were exhausted but they don't want to stop, they need to make it in all possible ways. He wanted to finish on her breast so soon as he feels he was comming he put on his knees and spread all his milk on and she could feel how hot it was dropping all over her .
After this intensive session they kissed and falled asleep cuddling for a few hours.......

PlEaSe Be hOnEsT CaRiNa ArE yOu HaPpY..PlEaSe DoN't CeNsOr YoUr TeArS

Don't know how to express my feelings, my rage. I had a rule in my life which is "things are white or black" please don't give me gray, gray do not exists, it is just mixed of black and white and there are a lot of grays but just one white or one black.
Anyway I am amazed about how extremely-conservative or absolutely-liberal I am in my life situations. Now I am writing and if I look around what is this??? Geee I have 3 swimming pools in front of me plenty of strangers enjoying their holidays. These are my children holidays too. I am watching them laughing and playing in the pool, well that's the only thing I can and "must" do... take care of them. Sound like I am not enjoying? Sound absolutely right!!!!!
I choose a hotel where kids attraction are non-stop, you know what I am talking about ... 10.30 am kids aquagym, 12.30 kids basketball, a clown around the pool the whole day giving them candies. All day long kids activities which means that I have to check the schedule and like Disney Park and run fast to the next one (if you are a parent you know what I mean) And every night they have a MINI DISCO and they spent an hour before the night show , dancing, singing and playing games with music. Now is the time when you are wondering or want to ask me if this is a complain. NOT at all and absolutely YES.
Why NO?
Because it was my choice, because they deserve it and because seing thier smiles and joy is the biggest emotion and prize i can have in my life.
Why YES?
Because when two "adult"people decide to bring life to this world they assume the biggest and most important responsability untill they die. And today I am here in this wonderful "FAMILY" hotel alone with my children trying to duplicate my physical presence. If I close my eyes I just can hear kids voices saying "DAD" in different languages.
Do you want a real sad anecdote? Well last night at MINI DISCO my children were dancing and making with the other kids a long train so the entertainers asked "moms and dads stand up join your hands and make a tunnel" so they can pass for it. And I .... I.... I didn't know if to remain sitted or to stand, extend my arms and pretend to have "the" another person at the other side..so I just could remain sitted clapping my hands and trying from my deepest inside not to cry....

"...What's the matter Mary Jane, you had a hard day
As you place the don't disturb sign on the door
You lost your place in line again, what a pity
You never seem to want to dance anymore
So take this moment Mary Jane AND BE SELFISH
Worry not about the cars that go by
All that matters Mary Jane is your freedom
Keep warm my dear, keep dry..."**

**Mary Jane Lyrics by Alanis Morissette

I mAy ApPeAr To Be FrEe BuT I'm JuSt A pRiSoNeR oF yOuR lOvE .

Oh damn love… I'm standing here, and you're miles away and it looks like I'm losing this fight…but am I fighting? No I am not. I don’t even say to you “I love you” and not in a friendly way, I just can’t do it. I am afraid of your answer, I am afraid of your rejection, I am afraid of you telling me you don’t feel the same way I feel… Is like I want to cover my ears and to close my eyes and avoid reality, it is instinctive for me after being fucked by love so many times….I just can’t help it …..

“...Ma questa volta abbassi gli occhi e dici noi resteremo sempre buoni amici,
ma quali buoni amici MALEDETTI!!. Io un amico lo perdono mentre a te ti amo...”

But certainly I have to say that I love these contradictories and beautiful emotions you make me feel, this amazing feeling of falling asleep thinking about you and wake up in the same way that I’ve missed so much. I was fighting so long against this, I was so closed on my self-made-coconut, so safe in my dark and loneliness. And here you are rocking my bases, opening my mind, making me feel so-damn-good as I don’t allowed to myself since….you know…..“….No-one on earth could feel like this. I’m thrown and overblown with bliss there must be an angel (you sweetie) playing with my heart…”
Read my mind, love me, caress me, sexualise me, stay with me but don’t lose your place nor invade mine, but stay close enough to hear you breath, to smell your presence, to feel your skin, to look at your eyes. Talk to me, grab my soul again and again, come back, turn around and kiss me, “..I need your touch, your love, kisses and such…”.

“…Won't you come see about me
I'll be alone, dancing --- you know it will be me
Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out
Love's strange --- so real in the dark
Think of the tender things
That we were working on
Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart…
Don't you try and pretend
It's my beginning
We'll win in the end
I won't harm you
Or touch your defences
Vanity, insecurity…
As you walk on by
Will you call my name…”**

*La mia storia tra le dita - Gianluca Grignani
** Don’t you forget about me – Simple Minds

YoU tReAt Me LiKe I'm A pRiNcEsS I'm NoT uSeD tO LiKiNg ThAt....

Barcelona-Spain July 7th
5:45 am clock alarm
6:00 am on my way to “El Prat” airport
7:00 am checking in flight
8:05 am Taking off
9:45 am Landing Milano Malpensa airport

Milano- Italy July 7th
11:00 am taking Malpensa shuttle to Milano Train station
12:20 pm taking a train to Locarno (have to change train at
Bellinzona)
02:38 pm Changing train from Bellinzona to Locarno
03:00 pm Arriving Locarno train station.

Locarno- Switzerland July 7th

And I am here to remind you all the mess you left when you went away OOPS no no no just singing “You outhga know” =) I am here to see you and today you are still far away so I am enjoying this stunning place this sort of paradise on earth which Locarno is. From my hotel room I can see the “Maggiore Lake”... I though I had messed up with the Internet hotel booked but since I am going to be alone until tomorrow this place is just perfect. Waiting for you surrendered by nature, can I complain? I should go down to the town to buy things and get dinner.
Damn is too late, everything is close and seems is going to fall down the sky.. so grey...so close the storm but I don’t care.
When I returned to the hotel I ask for a big cup of coffee...Geeee how could I forget the big difference between Spanish and Italian coffee what a shame... am I Italian? (checking passport, calling my mother to ask..) MmMmM Yes I am ....At this point you know that I wouldn’t be able to sleep, so I keep watching TV with my eyes so damn big open, hearing the big storm and wanting to make as I was playing THE SIMS game and put high speed ... you know what I mean.....

Locarno –Switzerland July 8th

I wake up at 8 am and I am going to have breakfast in the terrace, still raining but I don’t care I know you are here so near and even with this horrible weather and that I couldn’t sleep I am so smiling....
Now I am here sitting on this bar waiting for you and watching the stage I’ve asked some guy for you and he told me .. he is here don’t worry! I wasn’t worried I just want to see you !!!!!
10:00 am What a flash...here you are

Milano- Italy July 9th

01:00 pm Hotel lobby
01:30 pm Malpensa airport
02:50 pm I was watching trough the window how AZ plane was taking off
05:25 pm Taking off to “El Prat”- Barcelona
06:40 pm Barcelona – Spain. Home sweet home???


I know you are seeing a kind of gap in here and wondering what happens between 10:00 am Locarno - Switzerland and 01:00 am Milano – Italy. A lot of things that I want to keep with me for now...

Sweet man you find my bliss state button and discover how to press it, and you are so allowed to do it every time you want, be my guest.
When I am with you I feel so comfortable in my own skin and I will keep for me all the time we spent together as I did it with.... you know ...I told you there are a lot of thing that I just want for me, and I have too many things in my head right now, so many emotions that I couldn’t assimilate yet.

“...You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience
You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault ...”*

PS: I don’t care that I couldn’t see moon & stars, nor am cause the storm, because I went there just to see and be with YOU.

* Head Over Feet lyrics by Alanis Morissette

We CoUlD jUsT walK aWaY aNd HiDe OuR hEaDs In ThE sAnD .

So sunny day in Barcelona today and lately also sunny days in my life. When you realize that is so true the sentence “life is two days” is like you want to make a lot of things and nothing seems impossible. Also putting order in my messy-life, breaking everyday more with the past, looking forward and most important thing, living my life like there is no tomorrow.“…We could just call it quits only to start all over again, with somebody else…”. It is so-damn-possible!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like I am enjoying of myself, my children, my family, my friends more than ever in my life. I need time to spend alone and feed my internal world with emotions and knowledge and also be in silence. I need silence. In other way I also need to go out and have a lot fun, and meet people and hear noise. The best thing is I start to balance these things and I am doing it both. I have my icy silence moments and my unbearable company =) and I enjoy of MYSELF so much that I have such a fear of bliss…
Yesterday night I went with my children and with my lovely friend Marta and his boyfriend, who is a lovely person too, to watch SHREK 2 movie at cinema, and we spent a so marvelous moment, laughing, sharing… The brightness of love between all of us last nigh...…. So wonderful. So deep. (I recommend to you all this movie is really amazing!!)
I am also insanely excited because my next week and a trip to Locarno – Switzerland, it is so GOOD to be true, it is so BIG to be true, it is so GREAT to be true that I am so scared by everything.
I am going to see a very special person to me. He is sweet and he treats me in a way that makes me feel so flattered always. I don’t know how he can make me feel this way but I love it!! I just want to spend a great time with him(as he say in Switzerland everything is better ..) enjoy his presence, look at him, know him better and open to him my soul as he had so-opened my mind…

“…These excuses how they've served me so well
They've kept me safe they've kept me stuck
They've kept me locked in my own cell
These excuses how they're so familiar
They've kept me blocked they've kept me small
They've kept me safe inside my shell…” *

NO MORE EXCUSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*EXCUSES lyrics by Alanis Morissette

FiNaL SeNtEnCe... ThE bLiSs Of FrEeDoM....

The final sentence was pronounced. And it says that the gifts we had made to each other are not included, material things are not inheritance from our sort of "relationship". So we can keep them. But......

I LEAVE YOU:

* My first words to you September 7th
* My particular version of OH CANADA I have recorded for you (Canadian national anthem)
* Our fist kiss Dec 8th
* The nickname I put you as "the faster runner of all times" (still smiling)
* All my kisses, my caresses, my I LOVE YOU...
* The laughs. The bliss I have felt every second we spent togheter.
* The first flower bouquet you had recieved in your life with the bear I sent to you for the six month anniversary of "knowing" and "loving you"
* The 15 days I've spent preparing you BD gift cause I was going to be in Italy (August 15th)
* My unconditional, deep and insane love for you.

I KEPT:

* The fear I have felt when I saw the little plane in Montreal airport which I had to take to see you
* The promise ".. I will go there in 4 month or so..:"
* The hours I have spent in front of my computer just to see you came online (and you logging invisible)
* The airplane tickets and hotel accomodation to go to London togheter(the city you was born)
* The hours of Checz lessions I took to surprise you...
* The nights awake just because of the hour difference was better for you.
* The horrible sensation of know you was kissing other lips
* The sad discovery ... your lies, you avoiding and hiding of me.
* Your thousand excuses
* How much I have missed you and needed you.
* Your icy silences.

"....at that particular love encouraged me to leave at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left at that particular time...." *

* THAT PARTICULAR TIME lyrics by Alanis Morissette

I gUeSs NoW iT'sTiMe...ThAt YoU cAmE bAcK fOr GoOd

"...I guess now it's time for me to give up
I feel it's time
Got a picture of you beside me
Got your lipstick mark still on your coffee cup
Got a fist of pure emotion
Got a head of shattered dreams
Gotta leave it, gotta leave it all behind now

Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and I'll sing it
You'll be right and understood

Unaware but underlined I figured out this story
It wasn't good
But in the corner of my mind I celebrated glory
But that was not to be
In the twist of separation you excelled at being free
Can't you find a little room inside for me

Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and I'll sing it
You'll be right and understood

And we'll be together, this time is forever
We'll be fighting and forever we will be
So complete in our love
We will never be uncovered again

Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and I'll sing it
You'll be right and understood..." **

** Performed and possibly writted by TAKE THAT

I aM NoT sAdDeNeD aNd I dOn’T mIsS yOu cUz I hAvE mOvEd On ToO

Saturday 2.10 am – Barcelona. Mobile sounded and the conversation start

She: (watching the number & name on the screen) Hellooooooo What’s up?
He: Are you alone?
She: ..................
He: I want to be with you .... I decide I want to be with you....
She: Icy silence again.
He: Are you there? I take my decision, I want to give you all that you need
She: (with attitude) Wait wait wait .... Do you decide? Do you want? What about me?
He: I know you want me , you love me, you need me .... Tomorrow if you say yes I am going to be there!
She: (amazed by the sentence) just could click on red button.

Too late. Too authoritarian for her. She wasn’t alone anymore. Her heart, her soul, her body were with other man. Her mind just can think about him, has not place for any other man in her life. She was being sexualised, thinking of him and all the naughty positions, everything what her wanted to do to him and with him. She only was focused in have him . She wanted to have him up and down, front and back of her. She was thinking in giving him the best oral sex he could experienced in his life and watch his non-stop pleasure face, she wanted to hear him moaning , wanted to whispering him how much she wanted to be penetrated, how much she wanted to be dirty talked, slapped, how much lust he awake in her.

The mobile keep ringing for almost an hour, but he could not disperse her, her mind was flying away and her body was in other arms. So she never answered again. She was living such a pleasure, so deserved , so kept for the special man, so magical...

“ I’ am not needy
I don’t clingy much
I am not scared
I’ am not afraid as such
I’ am not dependent
Rock solid stays in touch.....” *

PS: And fucked with love for now =)

* Doth I protest too much lyrics by Alanis Morissette

I aM a SpIrIt ThAt KnOwS oF No LiMiT wHo KnOwS oF No CeiLinG

Last days I was thinking a lot of beating myself and try to wake up. I
realize that my loneliness was my choice and now I choose to do not be
alone anymore. I know people that read me or talk to me but don’t know me in
person never believe when I say I am so-disagreeably-shameful. I can
understand it in some way when you are reading me writing that I practice
masturbation so openly, can confuse your perception of me. In fact if you
can not really know a person “in real life” how can you know me just because
u read my letters????? Sent it by e-mail to a person who I don’t know at
all, don’t know even his name “ …There is an internal world, which is my
personal ,creative and spiritual development. That's the only thing I can
control. I can control how much knowledge I feed myself, but I can't control
what happens around me with people's perceptions of it....” And it not that
I care what people think about me, just I have been rejecting meet & date
men because I was fucked-by-love,
Because my shyness I feel most of the time incapable to afford it and
because I was protecting myself for fear of loos and abandonment and “….I
was afraid of verbal daggers I was afraid of the calm before the storm I was
afraid for my own bones I was afraid of your seduction I was afraid of your
coercion I was afraid of your rejection I was afraid of your intimidation I
was afraid of your punishment I was afraid of your icy silences I was afraid
of your volume I was afraid of your manipulation I was afraid of your
explosions …”
Now it is the time to leave the past where it belongs, and to allow myself
to feel again in so-many ways I was preventing, my fight-to-fight just in
case. What the hell I can’t avoid to suffer and I prefer to be
fucked-by-love again and of course fuck with love =)). Pleasuring myself
start to feels bored, even when I am not going to stop doing it
heheeheh….Well I am so-open to a friendly hand!!!!!!!!!
I just ask for so simple things like if you ask me to date just to fuck me
be clear, don’t try the lets go to have a dinner (anyway I am going to say
no for now) . Here we goes with the complicated ones, don’t make me gifts
just to date me or if you don’t feel it because it doesn’t work with me,
don’t LIE to me I will never-ever forget you , TRUST me in every way, be
OPEN, tolerant, AFFECTIONATE , kind, HONEST , real…..Please don’t be
perfect, be just addicted to me! Huh…it is too much?

* Sympathetic Carácter Lyrics by Alanis Morissette

WaKe Me Up InSiDe .CaLl My NaMe AnD sAvE mE fRoM tHe DaRk!!!!

Am I too “explicit” explaining my sadness? Why people get so scared when they read how I describe my so-deep sensibility-vulnerability in such an open way? It is all about my weekend status “… How to keep smiling when you are thinking of killing yourself…” It is an expression and not mine by the way…. If I want to kill myself which is NOT THE CASE, no way, absolutely NO, I do not need to write it. I have been blessed with intelligence and this allows me to be able to read between-the-lines…. The “expression” described my so-damn-sad-mood because I get hurt, because a lost in my life. Anyone can be in a happy-jumpy-mood with a lost?? Mmm **blush** **blush** well I was it when I get divorced heheheeh!!!!!!!
Do you think is nice to read Oh how happy I am, I am so beautiful, I am so-blonde with blue lighted eyes and my name is Barbie??????? If you think so you should stop reading me!!!! And I can write that I am in bliss (when I feel myself in bliss) I can tell you that I am absolutely happy cause my children are healthy and my friend Marta is insanely in love and a lot of things, but when I feel like a SHIT I just express how I feel.
Comes to my mind a beautiful song “ ….There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall, there's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall, there's a blue whale beached by a springtide's ebb, there's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web, That's my soul up there…”* Do you think having your soul up there supporting and suffering these injustices is being dark or realistic?. That is the way I conceive my life with my soul out there where the injustice is.
I know you are going to laugh on me right now ( and I love it ) but when the so-called-intellectual people say because sounds so-cultured they watch the “Discovery Channel” or TV shows: documentaries They just makes me sick. How damn you can watch kids dying, animals eating person or another animals?
What about the rapist (child rapist GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR) , hunters, killers, people dying because the angry, the lapidation (which is to bury a woman or a man to their waist ) and kill them with little pieces of stones so they can suffer much as possible before they die “cause sharia’s law and his judges decide it, most of the times cause you have a child without being married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG. And I can write a book about these damn things!
I wasn’t made for this life, I can’t bear with this fucking mess called life!

PS: Rescue me …save me from the dark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*King of Pain lyrics by Sting& The Police

FoR sMiLiNg WhEn My StRiFe WaS aLl ToO oBvIoUs

How many times do I have to give you explanations? "...why can't you just you read my mind??...". I so hate you judging me, thinking I am acting in a "wrong way", that I am not doing what you think is "perfect" or just thinking I am doing things that I am not doing. What the hell do you want from me? I can give you my soul if you ask for it and you know that. And I so hate myself for keep smiling you. What's wrong with my attitude with other people? I am not going to allow you or any other smart-wise-intelligent man letting deceide if I am being a "nice girl" from his point of view. You are the one who is keeping the physical distance, you are the one who doens't take the phone and call, you are the one rejecting my sugestions about us!! Stupid should I call myself for thinking in the "OK I will act like you want being-staying-breathing-taking just with you.
At this time you must know that I am not the kind of woman you used to be with. Do I worth more than you can handle? And yes... yes and yes I am still mad at you because your words. You know I am not the easy-forgive-woman, in fact , I don't want to put my never-ever-going to forgive-you-in-my-fucking-life mode, you don't want it neither.
Don't you think is time to start to act like adults? I start to believe that you don't know me at all. It is so unfair from you to ...... and DAMN now I have to read you again? Why you think you can come and go into my life and leave this mess. Just come and stay !!! It is so difficult? If the answer is YES just be my guest....
Taking risks it not one of your favourites sports, you so-safe-bored life keep you blocked and I am not going to follow you in this. Can you fix a rectangle into a hole? Nobody can.

"....In my dreams I'm dying all the time
As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye....." **

** PORCELAIN Lyrics by Moby

ThE oNlyY wAy OuT iS ThRoUgH... ThE oNlY wAy We'Ll FeEl BeTtEr ....

Story:
I met Raul in a seminary, three years later of being released of a kidnapping. His kidnappers had him locked up it in a closet during six months moored with chains. He spoke to me with a total enthusiasm full of illusions and affection, he seemed happy in spite of having supported a so painful and destructive experience.
- Don't you feel rage or resentment against your kidnappers? - I asked to him openly -.
He watched to me, and rubbed his face with his hands and became gloomy for a moment.
-I Just left, - responded with firmness -, it was not easy.
My desperation and my resentments were my worse torture, but one day I decided no longer to load these chains.
- What are you talking about? - I said intrigued -.
- I was kidnapped with another person, - he said -,we both were released at the same time. Later I found him , with rage and bitter ,he only spoke about his past, the irreversible damage that they had caused to him, the cruel which they had been, and the happiness he would experience the "justice"day became.
He kept silence for a moment, as if he was reviewed his own reflections.
- You know? - after a pause he continued - seeing this person I realized that it was the same that they had released him , that his body was free, because he had decided to continue kidnapped in his mind, in his pain, in his past. He preferred to think in his kidnappers but enjoy his family, nor of the possibility of constructing the present nor the future .
- But, How can be forgotten something so hard? - I followed interrogating him -.
- My kidnappers took of my freedom to me, but I do not going to allow that they took my peace , if I continue feeding this resentment, I will be giving my life to them, is like I chose to take them with me at every moment, for the rest of my life. Nor my beloved ones or me deserve that, **the true revenge will be my happiness**, to leave them back and enjoy every moment of my life.
He made a pause and he watched forwards with a happy expression.
- True chains - he concluded - we have them in our mind when we decided to continue become attached to pain, to the resentment or the past.
This is worse than a dark closet, - he said with emphasis and he continued
-I prefer that my people remember me like somebody who knew to gather the joy of the life and not like somebody that remained feeding the rage and autocompasion.
Which are the chains that we could to begin to loosen now? Which are the past or present events that we can let feed with rage or pain?

At every moment we can decide to aggravate our wound or to begin to heal it for the rest of our lives...

CaUsE eVeN tHe ImPoSsIbLe Is EaSy WhEn We GoT eAcH oThEr ...

I can’t remember the last time I fall asleep thinking in someone in the way I did it these last day thinking of you. This amazing sensation of being with someone and feel him (in my case) so close when you are so-damn-physically alone. Absence and presence. Distances...miles....kilometres.... To me when the distance is physical means absolutely nothing. Soul distance is the one which scares to me. If two souls are connected in any way (love, friendship, sympathy) can not be separated by anything or anyone.
This subject affect me in a painful way. I have been rejected because of “so-called-distance”, well this was the excuse at the time. But people who use to think you can not have a long distance relationship (in any way I repeat) never experienced the ABSENCE of the PRESENCE???? I mean never feel that someone so close to them, people living with them are absolutely absentees?? That they can not ask for help to them and the “far-away-people” were there to help... That the physically near never made them feel what the far ones made it? Miles are just in their minds.....
When I feel something special for someone nothing is impossible, I had crossed the ocean just to be with someone. I moved to another country and I will do it a million times more if it was necessary. I have missed so much this feelings, this thoughts, this so-close-stomach, this permanent smile ( I feel myself like a ridiculous-smiling-statue) and I love it... For real when you loves does not love in a crazy way , loves like an idiot and it shows. I so hate myself saying stupid sentences (OK more than I used to do...let’s be honest) writing interminable e-mails with a fixed smile, lost myself in the space thinking “..how I wish, how I wish you were here...” , put angry face when I see a couple showing their damn happiness ( I am so crazy about you.....), the shock I felt anytime I receive one of your off-line messages, an e-mails, a phone call or just seeing you online keep this damn-silly-smile on my face!!!!! (and my tongue out as always hehe). Just close your eyes and kiss me...that is all I want from you right now!

“...And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war
for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl
year after year
Running over the same old ground
What have we found?
The same old fears
Wish you were here...” **

PS: Can you handle this mon chèri?????

** WISH YOU WERE HERE lyrics & music Waters, Gilmour PINK FLOYD

HaPpY BiRhDaY AlAnIs NaDiNe MoRiSsEtTe !!!!!

Alanis was born June 1st 1974 at Riverside Hospital in Ottawa –Canada, 12 minutes after her twin brother (huh sounds like a biography). Well all you who read my blog knows that I have a passion for her but I know that 90% of you do not understand how come a so-grow up-supposed-serious-lawyer is capable to fly to anywhere to see her performing … Well almost everything in life have an explanation. Here my reasons (understandable or not OK I don’t care if u do).
At 1995 when she released Jagged Little Pill I was passing through one of my toughest moments of my life suffering non-stop panic attacks. So I bought the CD and to get relax (believe it or not too) I used to sing every morning the whole CD, like a way to release my rage against me. And used to work perfectly, after singing it I felt a kind of beautiful relief …Every time I felt that I was going to have an attack I just had to listen Alanis and the pain disappeared…I know you are thinking who come a so-called-depressive- I –am- never- going –to- go –out- of- this- painful- thing –which- is- life and no- man –deserves- me, and bla bla bla who people used to say Alanis music is can be such a positive thing to me…
A few years ago I get pregnant of my first son and I had to leave all medication but I have my medicine, my alternative one who was listen her CDs. October the 3rd 1997 my son was born with pneumonia, and I just can see him a few minutes and they took him to another hospital and he was 13 days with oxygen, intensive care. He was far away physically and every morning I woke up didn’t know if he was alive or dead… So I used to put my headphones, heard Alanis CDs and tried keep out the very first deep pain in my life. And also works. Two years later, October 9th 1999 with a 34 weeks pregnancy I broke waters so my daughter was born and since she was so little at 4 am stop breathing by herself so she , named Alanis, was 13 days, yes, yes, yes!!!! Exactly 13 days like her brother with oxygen on intensive cares, and yes, again every morning waking up with the uncertainty about if she was alive or dead. There were the toughest moments of my life for sure. But always I have her singing to me, singing with me (huh or I was singing with her XDDD).
She is for me more than an excellent songwriter, amazing singer and beautiful soul. She was and she is for me like a cool breeze, a warm hug, a shoulder where I can cry, she is my voice, she speaks through her songs for me, she is a sunny day, a perfect storm, the energy I need, the courage to fight against my fears.
You must wondering about my children…well they are physically and mentally healthy, and of course they are Alanis’s biggest fans with mom (they were in her concert at 5 and 3 years old).
If you don’t know it yet (I doubt it) she just release So Called Chaos CD which is absolutely great (I recommend it and nobody pays me for it ah !!! ) and one of my highest moments at the time is when we three, my children and I sing together “Everything” possessed by pleasure and in absolutely bliss.

“…Like anyone would be, you must be flattered by our fascination for you
like any hot blooded woman you have a lot of objects to crave
but we, we are not allowed, we are uninvited, an unfortunate slight…” *

*Our particular version of UNINVITED
We love you
xxxxx

My UrGeNcY tO dReAm Of SoFtEr PlAcEs FeElS uNdErStAndDaBlE

I would love to learn stop-complaining for everything or stop-sounding as if my life was only a black-deep-awful-hole which is not (well sometimes ......)
To be honest I think is can not be able to leave my ass in the same place more than ...2 days??? I always need to keep moving, but in every single way. I can not live in the same country to many years, I can not stop travelling (every month I have to fly to other country). I do not want to work in the same place anymore but I wont quit neither , I do not want to pretend I am so-damn-fine or I am so-damn-bad, I want to stop sabotaging my bliss.
But I am pretty sure I don not want to be a bored-quiet-ass. This is also the reason what I always lived in cosmopolitan cities, I have to have all kind of things to do whatever I need to do what and when I want to do it. Which means l need my computer and my credit card near to me to buy a plane ticket to go to some **am** concert in some place in the earth. As I read myself I think damn I need with urgency a desert island!!!!!! I bet you are thinking the same thing.....
This sort of insane way to live can be absolutely dangerous but I can not say I do not live. Maybe the wrong thing is that I am loosing the present being so fast. I mean I live all what I want to live, I do all what I want to do but I guess I can enjoy it after doing it. And does not sound good. Should I feel or enjoy bliss after living it????? MmmMMmm desert island again!!!!
Anyway my dears I know my life is a real mess but who wants to be perfect and live a perfect life? Not me for sure. I love others reaction when they see me online on msn or yahoo and tell them I am packing to go to some place, or the eye expression when they ask me “were you sick last monday, I did not see you at work” and I answer “no way, last monday I was in Paris...”
Last months I met some people who use to live like I do, today here, tomorrow who knows (we does not know and do not want to know it).
My life flows like waterfalls, can someone stop a high and strong waterfall????
Don’t you dare to try it....WAIT A SEC !!!!!!!! Well maybe if you come with me to Seychelles Island I can make a big effort and try to get some relaxed time, but just to come back to my so-damn-weird-fucking-absolutely-amazing&wonderful life.

“...I wanna be big and let go this grudge that's grown old, All this time I've not known How to rest this bygone I wanna be soft and resolved clean state and released...” *

note: feel free to join me to the Island, just give me a call XDDDD

*This Grudge lyrics by Alanis Morissette

So MuCh EnErGy To PrOvE tO yOu I'm NoT wHo YoU hAtE fOr Me To Be

I wonder why you hate my outgoing way to explain my sexual life when you really know how I am. Am I being lately more sexual teaser? Pity could be a real one-active-sexual-non-teaser. Why are you mad at me? I think you was afraid of me and our intimacy, maybe you think you wont be able to pleasure me, do you think that sexualise me was not possible for you. Maybe you are so-right....
That is why you always talk about former relationships like sex in them where a kind of heaven but when you have to show me “heaven” you just hide (Hide Park huh?) and didn’t say a word. “...You're unsure and you're not ready so that must mean I want you...” . I see you like a frustrated football player (we share this passion, and almost teams, well some of them), the one who wants to reach the goal but when has the possibility to do it just missed the opportunity in a silly and inexplicable way. You know when the whole people in the stadium hold their heads and make UHHHHHHHHH !!!!!! and then start to insult you because they can not believe it...
I have to recognise that I am so simply & complicated sexually. Well OK maybe your right also I am just simply because I want you but you know you have to work hard with me. This doggy position I love, the “order” use all your parts (p*, hands, tongue, skin) and also all my parts (holes ..whatever) talk to me dirty (don not care the language I will understand you), slap me not too soft, not too hard, kiss me, lick me, lets play naughty nurses or use an uniform (anyway I will take it off of you whit my teeth) let me taste every single part of you... Is this so difficult for you to do? My doubt is you don’t want or you can’t? Don’t hide “park” anymore behind your shyness, does not work anymore. Stop talking about your former sexual relationships whit me because I start to doubt about them.
Anyway I would love to share more than sex with you, the caresses, the walks, the beauty silences, the looks, the language-miles distance-mind gap (or mind the gap?¿??¿?¿ huh again) can not separate us. I love the way you love me, just let me show you and makes you experience my love for you.

“...I don't want to be your other half I believe that 1 and 1 make 2...
I don't want to be your idol see this pedestal is high and I'm afraid of heights
I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine ...” *

“...Out on the wiley, windy moors We'd roll and fall in green. You had a temper like my jealousy: Too hot, too greedy. How could you leave me, When I needed to possess you? I hated you. I loved you too... Ooh! Let me have it. Let me grab your soul away. Let me have it. Let me grab your soul away. You know it's me—CaREN...” **

*Not the Doctor lyrics by Alanis Morissette
** Whutering Heights (changed Cathy to CaREN... not allowed to change Heathcliff for his real name and so respectful with it...) YOU SHOULD LOVE ME SILLY AND SHOW IT!!!!